Last Resort

[P_equals_NP]

Your name is VALERIE SUPREME, you are the SUPREME RULER OF THE WORLD.

40 years ago the planet ANNIHILUS was a large group of separate countries, however you united the world after an epic battle with the GUARDIANS OF JUSTICE.

Since then you have ruled over the world, and you took over the job of defending the planet from up-and-coming SUPERVILLAINS, heralds of DOOMSDAY, and would-be PLANETARY CONQUERORS. You're way better than they ever were, what with their NO-KILL policies and unwillingness to make SACRIFICES FOR THE GREATER GOOD.



You look upon your world. You are pleased.

And you don't suspect a thing.

What do you want to do?

[Kíeros]

> Laugh evilly over your dominion.

[Yamtaggler]

>Wipe that red stuff off your face.

[P_equals_NP]

You are VALERIE SUPREME and THIS IS YOUR WORLD AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH HAAHHAAH.

You think your FACE is going RED. Actually that's just your hideously BEAUTIFUL skin tone against the RUINED ATMOSPHERE. But AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

Aw man... you think you might have woken up TARK.



He's a bit grumpy today. But you guess he's always been sort of grumpy since you KIDNAPPED HIM, replaced the real version of him with an ANDROID, subjected him to DANGEROUS TESTS, and his body began slowly DEGENERATING until he was a HIDEOUS MUTANT.

You'd think he'd have gotten over all that by now though, it's been 10 years already. What a DRAMA QUEEN. Sometimes you think it's hardly worth the trouble keeping him alive.

But you don't want to get caught off guard without an ORACLE when some DUMB TIME STUFF goes down. And it always does. Plus the maid likes him, so whatever.

[Fish]

> Go talk to him.

[Kíeros]

> Why is an oracle so important?

[P_equals_NP]

You enter the room, presumably to go talk to TARK about business.



Conversational Transcript -
Year 4037, Month 14, Day 16
Time ?????

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V: Good morning JERKFACE.
V: I'm not an idiot you know! I AM VALERIE SUPREEEEMEEEEEE.
T: Agghhh I was sleeping.
T: It's still ??? in the morning!
T: Sleep is the only escape I have around here you know.
T: It's the only escape... that YOU have.
V: What.
V: Stop being coy and stuff. If you have a PREDICTION just spit it out! JERK.
V: You know I only keep you around as an ORACLE.
V: I could kill you right now if I felt like it.
T: You won't kill me.
T: As you said, I'm your ORACLE.
T: Without me, you'd be at the mercy of every assassin attacking you in your sleep.
T: Aliens would just invade and you wouldn't get any prep time.
T: And my predictive brand of PSYCHIC POWERS aren't easy to come by.
V: Blaughhh I know that you big JERK! Hurry up and give me my PREDICTION already.
T: Nah.
V: Urghhhh fine... What do you want THIS time? JERK.
T: Ohh I'll make this one easy for you.
T: I want you to steal the EYE of the AMAZING BARNACLE for me.
T: From the SUPERVILLAIN WEAPONS VAULT.
V: What? Why would you even want that even? Even. Even.
T: My eye's starting to go blind again. I want a really cool one this time.
V: Whatever. Just don't expect its MIND CONTROL POWERS to work on ME or anything.
V: I was going there anyway to pick up some Beef JERKY.
V: Hehehe JERK.

Well, looks like that's going to be a thing that happens.

What now?

[Fish]

> Go pick up some beef jerky and a knockoff Impressive Lobster Looker.

[Kíeros]

> Head to a supermarket to get beef jerky for the jerk.

[xeroticDeceiver]

> Be ambushed by your future self for reasons that are obviously unclear to your present self.

[P_equals_NP]

You guess it's time to go shopping. BEEF JERKY!!!!!!



Yes that's good.

But I've had enough with these stylized representations of your serpentized self.

I think now would be a perfect time for your futureself to ambush you.

REBEL ARMY -> ATTACK!!!

[Fish]

> Beg for mercy.

[Morhek]

> Get some pears on the way to vault

[Kíeros]

> Attack and defeat them handily.

[xeroticDeceiver]

> Summon an overwhelming mass of minions.

[P_equals_NP]

You summon your OVERWHELMING MASS of GHOST MINIONS.



The REBELS attack and defeat the monsters HANDILY.

Not that you'd expect anything less from your FUTURE SELF.

This is the SIXTH time in a month that she's attacked you, and she's getting pretty good at it.
She's upping the stakes with the likes of the UNSTOPPABLE PROTAGONIST and HEIDI KANG.
You wonder how you're ever going to get them to team up with you, in the future.
You also wonder why you're wearing that bucket on your head again. It seems kind of suspicious that you are hiding your face. Oh well.

You'd like to spend time watching this battle to see what kind of crazy CONTINGENCY PLANS and DOOMSDAY WEAPONS those two and you have up your sleeves, but you have work to do.



You get a PEAR on your way to the vault to help you.

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Darn weekends.

[Bearstronaut]

Arrive at the vault. "Greet" the guards with the PEAR.

[Kíeros]

> Continue to vault, eat pear.

[Fish]

> Eat the pear.

[xeroticDeceiver]

> Reconsider eating the pear, a more auspicious use may arise.

[P_equals_NP]

You cast TELEPORT and arrive at the SUPERVILLAIN WEAPONS VAULT.

But you can't escape me that easily. And you know it.

You decide to leave the PEAR out as guard.

The PEAR will pay for his treachery.

I will EAT that PEAR.

[Bearstronaut]

Eat the PEAR in the most maniacal way possible. Indulge in several panels of SLOW PEAR EATING.

[Fish]

> Tell the jerk guy to jerk off.

[Kíeros]

> Raid some of their weapons.

[xeroticDeceiver]

> Arm yourself to the teeth. Then arm your teeth.