NOW LET ME SUMMARIZE HOMESTUCK

[Author]

Tired of your friends saying Homestuck is shit because you yourself are fucking shit at explaining things?!?

FEAR NOT

THE INTERNET IS HERE TO HELP YOU NOT BLOW A MILLION DICKS WHEN YOU EXPLAIN HOMESTUCK

LETS GO

ACT I - "THERE'S THIS DICK NAMED JOHN, AND..."

Okay, so there's this guy named Zoosmell Pooplord, except NOT FUCKING REALLY, THAT NAME IS A SHITSTAIN ON THE NAME-I-VERSE. His name is JOHN FUCKING EGBERT, and he FUCKING LOVES SHITTY MOVIES. You think you IRONICALLY ENJOY SHITTY MOVIES? Fuck you man. This kid LEGITIMATELY LIKES THIS SHIT. It's FUCKING RIDICULOUS. He's talking to his DICKBAG INTERNET FRIEND, named turntechGodhead (REMEMBER THIS SHIT THAT NAME IS FUCKING IMPORTANT YOU COCKMONGLER), on his chumhandle (Which is like an IRC handle or an AIM username, except for PESTERCHUM, which is basically AIM BUT FOR PEOPLE IN HOMESTUCK), which is ectoBiologist (THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT THREE FOUR HOURS IN, SO BEAR THE FUCK WITH ME.)

turntechGodhead, who is TG IN EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS, is asking if JOHN FUCKING EGBERT got his PRESENT, and JOHN TOTALLY FUCKING DID. It was awesome and shit. But John can't find his copy of SBurb, which is SOME NEWFANGLED ONLINE GAME, that GameBro TOTALLY SLAMMED. TG and John agree that GameBro is a FESTERING COCKPILE ON THE FACE OF FUCKING EVERYTHING, and John talks to tentacleTherapist (Which you willread as TENTACLE-THE-RAPIST for like TWO HUNDRED PAGES, don't FUCKING DENY IT.), and they talk about SUPERFLUOUS BULLSHIT. John goes to look for his game, which is IN THE MAILBOX, HOLYSHITYES.

But his dad is home.

Shit.

So John walks THE FUCK DOWN, and faces THAT MOTHERFUCKER LIKE A BOSS. And by like a boss I mean "IN FUCKING DISGUISE".

FUCK YEAH.

But his disguise is foiled, and he is FORCED TO DO BATTLE. HE WINS, OR MAYBE LOSES. Whatever, it doesn't fucking matter. And John collects ONE PART OF THE SBURB GAME. FUCK YEAH. John Fucking Egbert goes upstairs and PUTS THAT SHIT IN. Some weird ass flash shit plays (its OKAY. I GUESS.), and then the GAME IS ON.

Except NOT REALLY, because we're following TENTACLE-THE-RAPIST, or as she likes to be called, ROSE LALONDE.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR POPULACE OF THE HOMESTUCK FORUM,

I have a challenge. A duty. And a honor. I am going to attempt to summarize Homestuck's acts, which requires me to REREAD THE ENTIRE FUCKIN' THING, and make it sound NOT RETARDED, and EASILY UNDERSTOOD BY OTHER PEOPLE.

It will be hard. I will cry. I will laugh. I will fall deep into alcoholism (except not really because I can't drink).

ARE YOU READY TO SUMMARIZE HOMESTUCK?!

FUCK NO YOU AREN'T

THIS WAS ALL FROM MEMORY BECAUSE I AM THE SHIT, SO I'LL HAVE TO REREAD ACT ONE AND THEN SUMMARIZE THE EVERLOVING FUCK OUT OF IT. TOMORROW. BECAUSE IT IS NEARLY TIME FOR BED.

[Gorski_Song]

You're awesome. I applaud you.

[Tirgo]

i am ready to read more hilarious summarization of hilarious events

[mythmonster2]

I absolutely must follow this, for it looks fascinating. Eagerly awaiting continuation.

[BlitheD]

This looks like it's going to be real funny, good job so far and good luck on your summarization, Author!

[Druplesnubb]

This could be interesting but try you could try having some more variety and less overreliance on the word fuck.

[Kuraimano]

John talks to tentacleTherapist (Which you willread as TENTACLE-THE-RAPIST for like TWO HUNDRED PAGES, don't FUCKING DENY IT.).

While I did get the obvious pun, I honestly did not read it like that in my mind ever. That is, until now that you pointed this out. Thanks for that fucknuts!!

[Limanya]

Looks like Karkat is summarizing Homestuck.

[Tirgo]

Looks like Karkat is summarizing Homestuck.

YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT. THIS JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE YOUR THIRTEENTH BLAH BLAH BLAH WHO THE FUCK CARES. NAME THIS PIECE OF SHIT.

>> Enter name.

>Zoosmell Pooplord

WHAT THE FUCK? SERIOUSLY? I GIVE THE FUCK UP.

>> Try again.

>COCKNOZZLE FUCKFACE

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

[Sightedjt]

Let him tell you about homestuck.

[Limanya]

I think if Karkat wrote Homestuck, it would be named Homefuck. Or rather, Hivefuck XD

[Author]

>477 words in one post
>Fuck is used 23 times

I don't understand how I used fuck too many times, that's like barely even any part of my post.

EDIT: Or, if you want to nitpick, 317 words with "Fuck" used 22 times.

[ASBusinessMagnet]

>477 words in one post
>Fuck is used 23 times

That's 1 "fuck" every 20 words.

And that's not counting "shit" and "TENTACLE-THE-RAPIST".

[Tirgo]

That's 1 "fuck" every 20 words.

And that's not counting "shit" and "TENTACLE-THE-RAPIST".

hey if i got a fuck for every twenty words i read, that would be alright with me

[Author]

11 times I used the word "shit", and TENTACLE-THE-RAPIST is twice.

22+11+2=35.

So, once every 9 words?

EDIT: why the fuck am i discussing my liberal use of cursewords because of people's incoherent "swear is bad durr"

fuck you guys i do what i want

[Tirgo]

your avatar is very nice so i will allow this

[Kíeros]

YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT. THIS JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE YOUR THIRTEENTH BLAH BLAH BLAH WHO THE FUCK CARES. NAME THIS PIECE OF SHIT.

I don't like reading tonnes of cursing, but I'd read this, if only because it is so bloody hilarious.

[Solarn]

Subscribed.

[adamflint]

This is the single most amazingly awesome yet ludicrously shitty (in the good sense of the word) piece of Homestuck fanwork I have ever seen. This will be used to commemorate the day when Snoop Dog Got the Lion and I guess joined the illuminati (thanks, /x/) or something. It's like this was written by the incredibly impatient lovechild of Hussie and Karkat.

I shall never have to struggle to explain Homestuck to other people again.

[karkatarot]

wait its not read as tentacle the rapist?

[Tirgo]

wait its not read as tentacle the rapist?

no it's tentacle therapist

i always read it this way

tentacle the rapist makes literally no sense

[~DaveStrider]

i am eagerly awaiting your next update

[Druplesnubb]

no it's tentacle therapist

i always read it this way

tentacle the rapist makes literally no sense

Brb changing my name to Tentacle and proving you wrong.

[ASBusinessMagnet]

Brb changing my name to Tentacle and proving you wrong.

Will you also start going by the chumhandle roseLalonde?

EDIT: Two thoughts.

a) Newsflash: Rape is a crime.
b) There is already a fictional character named Squidward Tentacles.

[Tirgo]

hurry the hell up and do more of this