The Misadventures of Ricky Schrödinger: Chapter 1- You are facing the wrong way

[Patchman]

Chapter 1- You are facing the wrong way


Most theories of how the Universe began always start with "In the beginning...". Some theories revolve around a bearded man letting the light be there, other theories go about the entire thing exploding forth from a single really hot, really dense point about a nothingth of a inch long, a nothingth of an inch wide, and a nothingth of an inch tall. Anything with sentience would have found this to be quite boring, however if something with sentience was around that far back, then these theories would be rendered moot. But since nothing was, we are stuck with all sorts of crazy theories.

As with most things about mind boggling questions, the truth is much more ludicrous than the theories that physicists, philosophers, and theologicists can ever come up with. If you were to guess that 13.7 billion years ago from our perspective, 12 pubescent trolls played a real life video game coded from the hieroglyphs found in a pair of identical frog temples, which resulted in the creation of our universe, then you would be quite correct. If you were to guess that the universe took the form a massive omnifrog that was born just a few hours ago from the young trolls' perspective, then you would be completely correct. However most humans don't guess this, and instead guess something more scientific or spiritual, and therefore incorrect.

This story... is NOT about how the universe was created by trolls (that is another story altogether) and it is NOT about humans in general have rather shitty imaginations (with the exception of few). In fact, this story has absolutely nothing to do with any of bullshit. This story is about a young man and all the silly and weird shit he has to deal with.

You could also say that this entire intro was a complete waste of your time. Haa haa. Hee hee. Hoo hoo.

[OrangeAipom]

Who is this young man and why should I give a shit?

[PersonPerson]

this^

[Kíeros]

> Hello, person whom I have never seen before. Care to tell me who you are?

[GrandmasterShaq]

>EXPLAIN YOURSELF, MYSTERY MAN!

[Askia]

> the twist is that hes actually old

[Patchman]

> EXPLAIN YOURSELF, MYSTERY MAN!

> Hello, person whom I have never seen before. Care to tell me who you are?

I will.

First off, I am going to tell you that all the slanted writing always has to do with interesting facts. That is why the intro is in slanted words.

The second thing I would like to point out is that although I did end that last sentence with a white texted 'hee hee, haa haa, hoo hoo', I am not Doc Scratch. I have met him before, and I know that he would find that last sentence about the whole 'wasting your time' to be amusing.

Who I am, is a doctor. Its true, I have PhD's and everything. My name shall be guessed incorrectly, and then correctly when I am introduced. It won't be long, just after some weird shit takes place.


> Who is this young man and why should I give a shit?

> this^

That indeed. Why should you give a shit? You should because he is the main character. In fact he is more than one main character, but all that will be explained in time.

He has had an interesting adventure already, getting to where he is now. Very exciting actually, involving Spanish archaeologists with unmoral dispositions, a red key carved from the Philosopher's Stone, a journey through mysterious waters and lost islands that harbor Amazons, Nazi laboratories, ancient temples with lots of mummies, giant crocodiles and a particularly comfy chair that complains about the weather (the chair was comfy to sit in, but it just wouldn't shut up), a romantic fling between the boy and the head archaeologists daughter, a hurricane, and being shipwrecked at world's end where a giant tree stands in a forest with every particular reason to be there.

That about sums what has already happened. It was very interesting and all of you completely missed out on it.

Well, anyways we should get started.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A teenage boy is sitting on a beach*. It just so happens that he arrived here on the rear end of a large boat that was split off from the other part of the boat in a hurricane, ans washed up here.

What will the name of this young man be?

* The beach so happens to be apart of the island at the End of The World. It is the Beach at the End of The World. The boy is not aware of this.

[GrandmasterShaq]

>His name shall be Sora, and he shall become a Keyblade Master.

[OrangeAipom]

You don't abuse italics for the sake of irony? What a bore.

This young man is all of the male characters, isn't he? Why isn't he a homosexual? Young homosexuals need positive role models to look up to.

[Limzee]

>Ricky Schrödinger?

>Thomas Eerie

[Patchman]

> You don't abuse italics for the sake of irony? What a bore

I was waiting for you to suggest that, think of it as a courtesy.

You're welcome.


> Ricky Schrödinger ✓

What kind of story would this be if the mainest of main characters has the same name as the title?

A good story, that's what.


> Thomas Eerie ✓

This name is also good, he shall have this name too perhaps? You're not sure, but it seems like a good idea. Maybe one of them is your actual name, and the other is a name you'll stick with later on?


> just get on with it already

As of this moment your name is THOMAS EERIE. You have recently found out that you have a knack for ADVENTURING. All that is fine and dandy, in fact you have begun to acquire a taste for it. Its all the BIZARRE HORSESHIT that you could do without. Within the last few weeks, you have been to a NAZI LABORATORY with FRANKENSTEIN MONSTERS, A CONVENT full of LOVE NUNS, and ANCIENT TEMPLES filled with CARNIVOROUS UPHOLSTERY. Even now you have nightmares of when RICO was savagely devoured by RECLINING CHAIRS. Oh, the humanity!

You also have bad luck with maintaining relationships with LOVELY LADIES. Your first girlfriend cheated on you with your ex best friend, and the last girl you had a fling with was on the other end of the ship when the HURRICANE struck. All this reminiscing is making you reminisce about your GRANDFATHER, and that SHOP of his. Ever since he gave you that PHILOSOPHER'S KEY along with that note expressing how PROUD he is of how STRONG and RESPONSIBLE you have become.

What do you want to do?

[Askia]

look for remains of last girlfriend

[Limzee]

>Examine the area

Alternatively

>OH NO, WHERE DID YOUR PHILOSOPHER'S KEY GO?

[Patchman]

> oh no, where did you're Philosopher's Key go?

Oh shit! All this surviving a hurricane has made you completely forget where you put it!

You feel your POCKETS, all of them. Nope, however you do find your WALLET! Like most wallets, it has a lot of space in it. You have some CASH in there, but the fact that your are on a beach at who-knows-where renders the money moot. You could use it to fuel a fire though.

You continue to feel around until you feel something on your chest under your sodden shirt. You look to find a small pouch. You take it out to find that the key is inside. Well, that mystery is solved.


> examine the area

> look for remains of last girlfriend

You look across the beach, both ways. There are pieces of the the rear half of the SHIP you were on strewn all over the place.

There are even some bodies of people you knew lying around; there's ANDRE, with his CHOICE ASCOT, damn he loved that thing; RODRIGO's body is sort of being moved around by the surf, he was a complete douche, always calling you CHICO and shit (hey chico, you think your made of hot stuff? A real MUCHO HOMBRE, eh?) Well it looks like that you were in fact made of some TOUGH SHIT, you survived a ship-wrenching hurricane and he did not; oh look, there's MANNY, he didn't do much, he wasn't one of the archaeologists, he was just one of their thugs, all he did was grumble, scratch his fat ass, and chew tobacco, yeah real pleasant.

It occurs to you that all the assholes that liked to poke, prod, and degrade you are all possibly dead on this beach. Ah life, you have a way of making all the little things so enjoyable.

Speaking of corpses lying on the beach, you don't see SIRENA's body anywhere on this beach, however it might be in the rear part of the ship, there might be some supplies in the ship.

You think about the situation at hand. You are on a really beautiful beach, surrounded by parts of a ripped up rear end of a ship and dead bodies. The rear end of the ship is further down the beach. Based on the previous places you've been in the last couple weeks, you can bet that this place is going to be strange.

It also occurs to you that this place might be the beach on the fabled BUTLER ISLAND. A shipwrecked boy can hope.

[GrandmasterShaq]

>See a man in a strange black jacket watch you then fade into background.
>Disregard this event, then look for supplies.
>Steal Andre's CHOICE ASCOT.

[Patchman]

bump

[Patchman]

> steal Andre's CHOICE ASCOT

Just look at that fine ascot. How it blazes in the ocean sunlight. The way it sways in the breeze hwile still tied around a corpses neck. It is irrisistable.

You flip over the corpse and untie the ascot.

Sorry Andre, but your choice ascot is in better hands now. No need to get up, you are perfectly ready for the solemn responsibility that comes with wearing an ascot. You put the ascot on. You feel that the ting is made out of KASHMIR. Its soothing texture comforts your neck and protects it from the ocean breeze. It is apparent to you that this ascot HAS YOUR BACK. It ain't gonna be flaking out on you anytime soon.

Good ascot. Best friend. Stylish accessory.


> See a man in a strange black jacket watch you then fade into background

What man in a strange black jacket? Clearly there is only you and these rotting waterlogged corpses on this beach. It occurs to you that in a days time, these drowned corpses will be stinking up the idealistic stretch of shoreline. As a person that enjoys topographic beauty, you will NOT stand for this.

You are almost OUTRAGED. Almost, the fact that you are on a possibly deserted island is much more prominent than any corpse or imaginary black jacketed man.

Survival is afoot.


> Disregard this event, then look for supplies

You disregard the corpses any fakey-fake black jacketed man and go look for supplies.

You are so sensible. So, so sensible.

You comb the beach for any food or water or anything you could use. You manage to find some CANS OF BEANS, and CORN, and SPINNACH, as well as some SPANISH CHOCOLATE. Not the shitty cheap Mexican stuff. The rich, sultry Spanish stuff, from Spain. You also find a few bottles of WHATER.

What is it? You haven't the slightest. Its a MYSTERY. For all you know, there could be a GENIE, or more food, or LSD, or you know, ACTUAL WATER.

You might want to open it up, it is mysterious after all, but on the other hand you could save it for later and go check out the rear half of the ship that is now lying on the shore. There could be more supplies in there.

What will you choose to do next?

[typoAdventure]

>look for more supplies

[Morhek]

> Hoot like a Howler Monkey and Desecrate Sacred Ground

no, wait, that's stupid

[stagnantAntler]

>look for more supplies

This would probably be the sensible thing to do. As we all know though, you're not a sensible person.
>Open the bottle and cross your fingers for magic.

[Patchman]

> look for more supplies

> This would probably be the sensible thing to do. As we all know though, you're not a sensible person

Clearly you are not a sensible person at all. Think about it, you hid on the ship back at the beginning at your adventure, only to find out that it belonged to a bunch of CRIMINAL ARCHAEOLOGISTS/LOOTERS and their thugs. Then if this wasn't bad enough, the ship sailed through unknown waters not on any topological map, and stopped at islands full of Nazis, love nuns, flesh-eating furniture, and other horrific things! And now, you are shipwrecked.

Wait you meant 1/2 SHIPWRECKED, only the rear half of the ship is wrecked on this beach.

You decide to go into the rear half of the ship to look for supplies. As you look around you find some more CORPSES (Julio and Rico), some DRY CEREAL, some CANS OF FRUIT, a couple PORNO MAGAZINES, and CAMPING EQUIPMENT.

NICE HAUL!

Its a good thing that half of the cargo hold was in the rear of the ship, if not, then you would probably have to go look around some more.


> open the bottle and cross your fingers for magic

You head back to the plot of beach that you decide to be your CAMP GROUND. It takes a few back-and-forth rounds to get the supplies to the camp, but you manage. You take a look at the splendor that is your LOOT.

Splendid.

The bottle of whater* catches your eye. You have to admit, you are curious to find out what is inside. You take the bottle, cross your fingers for magic** and take the top off.

Inside is...

IS...

IS...!

Some unknown kind of ALCOHOL! Woo! Booze and porn! Your night is set! You smell the alcohol, it smells MYSTERIOUS and somewhat THOUGHTFUL.

You suppose that being bottled up in a bottle would make the alcohol quite thoughtful, it probably thought of a lot while in that bottle. It could have probably wrote some DEEP and MEANINGFUL POEMS, if it had a pen, or paper, or hands for that matter.


> hoot like a Howler Monkey and Desecrate Sacred Ground. No, wait, that's stupid

That doesn't sound stupid at all!

Hooting like a LOUD and OBNOXIOUS monkey, scaring the crap at passing by humans, maybe throw some EXCREMENT at them...

...

You suddenly realize that it does in fact sound incredibly stupid. You are not being sensible at all.

However you will contemplate hooting like a howler monkey for IRONICALLY HUMOROUS purposes at a later date.



*Bottles of whater are generally thought of as a mystery box type concept (having a mystery inside it) with a Schrodinger's Cat concept wrapped around it. People have no idea what is inside, nor do they know what kind of state between life and death it is in. The contents, whatever is may be, can be thought of both alive and dead. The only way to find out is to open the bottle, which usually leads to much disappointment.

**Magic is widely considered to helpful, exciting, convenient, and completely irrational. It just doesn't make sense, which is why most people just "go along with it". Those that claim to find the rational sense within magic are (a) smart enough to calculate the level in which the universe can rationalize just about anything (the Universal Rationality Constant) or (b) absolutely insane. Either way, no one really listens to these kinds of people.

[typoAdventure]

>Flashback to the ship. Why were you stowing away on it again?
Was it dangerous?

[Patchman]

> Flashback to the ship. Why were you stowing away on it again?
Was it dangerous?

You have a flashback to how this entire thing started. Your GRANDFATHER, the curator of the New York Museum of History. He's a PRETTY BIG DEAL. Anyways, something was stolen from the museum. An ARTIFACT of unknown origins. He called it, the AMBER LOCK. A strange mechanism made from amber and electrum. You were present during this robbery. Before you went to chase after them (no one steals from a museum and gets away, damn it!) you found a knocked out RESEARCH HISTORIAN, who was handling the lock.

You managed to revive the researcher, but he was totally TRIPPING. He was seeing some kind of hallucinations, saying stuff about how the Lock wasn't ready, and some other stuff about PROTOTYPING and STRANGE WATERS. At the time you had no idea what it meant. When he snapped to reality, he gave you directions to another part of the museum, the RESTORATION area. In there you found the Philosopher's Key, it made sense then and there, that the key would open the lock, however the lock wasn't ready. When you had the key, you went after the lock. The thieves didn't get far, they got into a traffic jam, which happens a lot in New York.

You followed them to a PIER, where they walked up to a SPANISH man in SLICK DUDS, his name was Dr. FEDERICO CARLOS. He was the head archaeologist, and the guy in charge of the whole thing, with him were some more archaeologist and thieves and thugs, and of course his daughter Sirena. You sneaked aboard their research vessel, to look for the Lock.

You got caught, and luckily they never had the Key. After that, they figured out who you were and thought that maybe you could help them. They didn't tell you much, except that they were going after your grandfather. Senor Carlos had the Lock on him and he showed it to you. It looked like a large compass, the metal parts were ELECTRUM, and the glass parts were AMBER. He would use this compass/lock to find your grandfather. The Lock lead to WORLD'S END.

The Lock took the crew of the ship to all the weird islands aforementioned. At each island, the Lock prototypes some sort of mechanism or object like an ancient SEXTANT, an ASTROLABE, a TYPEWRITER, and an ORRERY. Every time the Lock would prototype one of these mechanisms, it would gain some of their attributes. The result was some sort of 3-DIMENSIONAL clockwork device with multiple dials pointing at odd NUMBER-LETTER HYBRID SYMBOLS whilst rotating on a GYROSCOPIC AXIS. The odd thing was that some of its components were relative while others simply acted as a normal parts, moving at preset algorithms.

It always had a KEYHOLE.

After the last island you visited, the ship was hit by a storm. During this time, the archaeologists found out that you had the Philosopher's Key. They figured the Key would fit the Lock. You figured the same thing. You knew it was time to leave, so you tried to make your way to the back of the ship, after you took the Lock of course. With both the Lock and Key, you were ready to leave, however Carlos and his goons were going to make sure to prevent this.

You had to fight your way to the rear of the ship. It was exciting and action-packed, and you had the song "Escape" playing in you head. As you got nearer to the rear end, the storm picked up. The ship was tilting and rocking, things were sliding and tumbling around, the situation was getting more and more FRANTIC by the minute. When you finally got to the rear end, to where a couple of the life-rafts were, you locked the bulkhead door to the place for good measure. However, Carlos had ordered some thugs to get there before you. You had a SHOOTOUT with them, hiding and ducking behind cover, it was a good shootout. When you FINALLY made it to the raft, the ship SPLIT IN HALF, with this massive and terrible WRENCHING sound.

When you came to, you were lying on this beach.

[stagnantAntler]

It's time to head for the mainland (or main island). Look for shelter, food sources and water supply.

[typoAdventure]

Also look for a shovel. You may have hated those people, but you think skeletons are creepy so you're going to bury them before they start to rot.