The Fall of Human Civilisation

[Fish]

"Breaking news - an Unidentified Flying Object has appeared over Washington State-"





"-no word as of yet as to what this is. It appears that, for the moment, we shall have to wait and wonder. Could this be the First Contact that has been spoken of for so long? We cannot be sure, but our prospects look-"

show spoiler

hide spoiler

WELCOME TO THE DARK CARNIVAL MY BROTHER


BETTY CROCKER IS TAKING OVER THE WORLD

WHAT
DO.

Obviously, the only acceptable course of action is to discuss it in Comic Discussion and make minifics about the end of the world. The object of this thread is to attract the discussion of which celebrities would join the resistance and which actors would be subsumed by the media monstrosity. And which would uneventfully die. We expect more explanations of the post-111111 meltdown, but for now we'll write without regard to canon.
For those who aren't quite certain they know what "minific" means: Minifics are just short expositions of events or sequences. Feel free to write as much or as little as you want.

Format: Post a post with your minific(s). You can say when exactly they occurred, or the time relative to other events already proposed, or ignore time completely (I know I am). Now and then people can collect some of the fics together into a semi-coherent timeline. I'll try to edit this OP or something if I don't zone out listening to the motherfucking ocean.

Now that everything's been laid out with the most sturdy and rigid of structures, go ahead and fire away.

[genteelGunslinger]

I'll start this off with the establishment of the some of the major figures in the history of the Freedom Fighters.

There are few things that would make Homestuck fans happier than Nic Cage becoming the resistance leader.

And all of them also involve Nic Cage.

I'd prefer Dutton over Cage for any shenanigan in this comic.

Nah, Zombie George Washington has them all beat.

How about a compromise: All of them can lead the resistance on a democratic council

We won't stoop to the tyrannical notions of a single leader

This is the Tale of the Final Triumvirate of Prophecy and Freedom.

As the world slowly fell into chaos, and the media monstrosity began its evil machinations, the resistance slowly built up in response to the on-coming threat. Two of Earth's mightiest souls, one Charles S. Dutton, world famous actor, First Son of Skaia and prophet of the end times, and Nicholas Cage, one of the Earth's mightiest champions and greatest of Earth's warriors, rose up to begin their fight against tyranny. But they alone could do little to halt the progress of Earth's end at the hands of Her Imperial Batterbitch. They needed another, equally powerful ally. Who better than the original prophet of the destruction of the government he fought to create. Zombie George Washington. Through use of the seeing majyyks, Dutton contacted Washington's spirit in the afterlife, and called for him to return to this plane of existence to once fight against the tyranny of his country.

Using the holy sciences, Cage fused his rotted corpse with mechanics to contain his soul and allow for a stable, able body with which the dead president may walk the earth with once again.

And from their work, both a fusion of science and majyyks, rose Cyber-Zombie George Washington. Protector of Democracy and Liberty.

Together, they would lead the resistance to glory countless times, and in countless battles against evil. They stood as one of humanities last chances at hope, and for a while, looked to be on the verge of victory.

That all change on one fateful day. In a single battle, the Triumvirate was destroyed forever. For another trio had risen in opposition. They were called....

(And that's where I leave it to someone else to take on.)

(I like this idea a lot, and I hope it continues towards awesome ideas)

[Morhek]

(Welp, looks like genteelGunslinger beat me to it. Eh, posting anyway.)

In the beginning, there was ONE. In the end, there were THREE.

It started in secret, a vow forged in the darkness of resistance. At first there was one, one who wielded the power of CONSIDERABLE AIR, a man whose love for CAKE and fear of BEES brought mirth to the ips of many. He travelled the lands in his GHOSTLY RIDINGS righting the wrongs of the Batterwitch, sometimes taking on SORCEROUS APPRENTICESHIPS to help him in his fight. Soon he was joined by another, a man who commanded the power of WORDS and REPRESSED INMATES, a man whose wisdom shone out across the VOID OF SPACE and brought the Batterwitch's hand up to ward of its HOLY TRUTH. And another there was who COULD NOT TELL A LIE, who defeated the damnable RED COATS in SINGLE COMBAT and who rose from the grave through the CYBERNETIC ARTS to defend his country from its BRUTAL CONQUERORS.

Together, their names live in song and fable, passed around the camp-fires of their followers, passed down through the ages. CAGE. DUTTON. WASHINGTON. Each rose up to fight the Batterwitch, each gathered to themselves followers devoted to their teachings, and yea, did they mightily smite many foes. But the whole is greater than the sum of their parts, and as they learned of each other, SHE sent her minions to divide them. For the Batterwitch has many spies. Birds. Beasts. Men. TRAVOLTA. And she had learned of their name, and of the threat they represented.

The Final Triumvirate of Prophecy and Freedom

Doomed to failure. But never to obscurity. This is their story, this is their legacy, and this is their lesson to those who come after them.

Listen to it well.

[genteelGunslinger]

zzp

Beautiful. Just...beautiful. I mean, that was a thousand times better than anything I could produce. Good work.

[Morhek]

Too many were the attrocities of the Batterwitch for all to be righted, even by three such GODS AMONG MEN. But they fought back. And thus did Her Imperious Condescension cast her eye about for a weapon she could use to counter their assault upon her regime.

For all things there is an equal and opposite. And even the Triumvirate found their matches, seen through a mirror darkly. Muttered curses follow their names, and hushed whisperings tell of their outrageous deeds.

The EMISSARY OF XENU who inflicted FEVERS on SATURDAY NIGHTS, who dreamed of ROYALS WITH DAIRY PRODUCTS, and who instigated the GREAT SCHISM and led his horde of SCIENTOLOGIST followers to the side of the Batterwitch. The SPEAKER OF THE VAST WHOAH, the BARD OF BOREDOM, who once led a life of EXCELLENT ADVENTURES but descended into bland mediocrity in the service of Her Imperious Condescension. And the MAID OF BATTER, the unholy apprentice to the Batterwitch herself, who is said to have unleashed RAYS upon those who stood in her way up the hierarchy.


These were the handpicked few selected by the Batterwitch herself to become the Triumvirate of Mirth and Subjugglation. And though destined for success, it would not be swift, or easy, or painless.

----

Beautiful. Just...beautiful. I mean, that was a thousand times better than anything I could produce. Good work.

Heh, thanks! This is hasty work, but I'm having so much fun turning pop culture people into figures of myth and legend!

[genteelGunslinger]

zzp

You are doing excellent so far, but I pinned Cruise as a Paladin of Justice rather than an agent of evil. His own brand of strange justice. But your interpretation is too good to pass up.

[Morhek]

You are doing excellent so far, but I pinned Cruise as a Paladin of Justice rather than an agent of evil. His own brand of strange justice. But your interpretation is too good to pass up.

Travolta is the agent of evil. Cruise shall hunt him down, last of Cage's Disciples, to punish the heretic who subverted his religion and bring justice to his masters.

[genteelGunslinger]

Travolta is the agent of evil. Cruise shall hunt him down, last of Cage's Disciples, to punish the heretic who subverted his religion and bring justice to his masters.

Then why is he part of the Triumvirate of Mirth and Subjugation? Or am I not getting something here?

(Also, who is the third member of the party? I am unaware of who that could be)

[Morhek]

John Travolta, the EMISSARY OF XENU, is a scientologist too, and instigates the GREAT SCHISM, rebelling against the just benevolence of Tom Cruise, the Paladin of Justice.

[genteelGunslinger]

John Travolta, the EMISSARY OF XENU, is a scientologist too, and instigates the GREAT SCHISM, rebelling against the just benevolence of Tom Cruise, the Paladin of Justice.

I had no idea he was also a Scientologist. How did I not know that?

I'm sorry, I'm distracting you from the makings of the history of our future. On a side note, that last member? Who is that?

[Morhek]

I had no idea he was also a Scientologist. How did I not know that?

I'm sorry, I'm distracting you from the makings of the history of our future. On a side note, that last member? Who is that?

Rachel Ray, once a devoted disciple of Martha Stewart, the only woman to ever rival Betty Crocker in baking and in illicit activities, slew her mistress in a ten hour long pastry duel to the death and usurped her position in an attempt to gain the attention of far greater teachers. It worked. The Batterwitch saw her ruthlessness and cunning, and adopted her as a protege, possibly ironically.

[Morhek]

And so, the Followers of Cage, the Disciples of Dutton, and the Undead Mechanical Hordes of Washington brought terror to the traitorous followers of the Batterwitch. Many were their defeats. Few were their victories. Together, they gained all of the fame. Well, not 8uite all of it.

From the ashes of L. Ron Hubbard's tomb arose a phoenix-like prince, a disciple of the great PROPHET himself, a man who knew DANGER so well he could FLY INTO A HIGHWAY OF IT, a man who took on IMPOSSIBLE MISSIONS and won, the Last Disciple of Cage, who sought out the great corrupter of his religion, the stealer of his followers, the instigator of the GREAT SCHISM. And in the final days of humanity, these two men, once friends, now the bitterest of enemies, faced each other - the Paladin of Justice against the Agent of Evil. Long was their fight, and hard was it fought, but in the end it turned out that the EMISSARY simply COULD NOT HANDLE THE TRUTH. And the Paladin smote his ruin upon a nearby mountainside.

And only then did the SPEAKER OF THE VAST WHOAH achieve his destiny.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

----

(Anybody else want to join in?)

[genteelGunslinger]

I think I might go for a different arc outside of yours. Just to try something different. Not actually any celebrities, as I've been proven to have no idea about celebrities at all.

--

In the years of chaos and destruction underneath the Batterwitch's rule, there existed another individual of fame and heroism. However, his tale is one of great sadness and loss. One that would be used to demonstrate what humanity had truly lost in the years that followed the 3 - 11.

Before the end of civilisation, in a small suburban township in Western America, lived a gentleman of refined and exquisite taste in clothing attire. In fact, he was credited as the town's finest connoisseur in the area of a certain piece of garb. His hats.

He was proud of his hats, and people were proud to have such a hat wearing gentleman strolling around their wonderful, clean streets. He stood as a symbol of his age. The proud, happy businessman, going about his daily life.

However, on 3-11, his world was forever changed. When the red Flagship of Her Imperious Condescension flew across the skies above his lowly little town, blocking out even the sun from its glare upon the autumn covered land, the gentleman of distinguished attire knew fear for the first time.

But, instead of cowering at the terror that the Batterwitch orchestrated upon the denizens of the planet, the gentleman acted quickly and with precision. He gathered his possessions, his son, and his wife, and fled into the secret underground bunker known only to the Men of the Suburb, a secret organization within the local area that had prepared for the tie holocaust. However, the visions of the founders had not foreseen such an event as one that was occurring on the surface. They could not have imagined the scope in which the world of smart and sophisticated clothing would end.

The followers had gathered within the catacombs underneath the town, and decided to wait out the end of the civilised world. Here, they lived on rations that would last them only a single lifetime. Then, they would need to go back to the surface to attempt to locate more shoes. There were long debates for when the inevitable issue would arise, and how it would be dealt with, but many were too exhausted and too saddened by their loss to come up with a plan.

That is when the gentlemen with the exquisite hat approached the rostrum from which the current speaker addressed the audience. He was babbling madness, as his sanity had clearly snapped. He was unshaven, and his tie was loose. He was a pitiful creature to behold.

And the man knew that there would be more to come. The people within the bunker were slowly losing their grip on the world. They were panic and grief stricken. They were desperate. And this made them unpredictable.

The man, presently, pushed aside the crazed madman, and stepped up to the podium. To the crowd before him, of only a few weary souls lost in indecision and boredom, he said he was leaving. They did not stir.

So he gathered his things. Kissed his wife goodbye, gave his son (who was wearing his adorable Winnie the Poo shirt, which was actually supposed to have a twin that said '1', but they could only find for him Shirt '2') his favourite hat. And instructed him that, should he make it out of this alive, his son was to return to the surface and attempt to guide the fledgling human survivors into a new age of prosperity and liberty. His son burped in response.

The man emerged from the catacombs into the marshland that had taken over his old suburban kingdom. His house was half demolished, but still, it stood. Many of the ground floor possessions had drifted out of the back door and into the yard. His clothes horse was a rusted mess that reached from the water like a drowning beast struggling to keep it's head above the surface.

It had been nearly a year since his delving into the rock womb of the Earth. He emerged into a new world as helpless and unprepared as a new born child. He didn't know what to do next.

And so he sat on a rock, and thought.

[AlphabetizedInsanity]

Out of curiosity, where do you guys think Oprah Winfrey falls on the scales of justice?
Ever since we were children, my sister and I have long joked believed that Oprah shall usher in the 'Opracolypse', and Ascend as the Queen of Doomed Souls.

But seeing as Betty Crocker, ICP, and Guy are obviously the true evils here, I'm curious to hear your opinions.

[Fish]

Oprah never had a chance to choose. Guy Fieri, knowing her profound command over millions of followers, one fateful night hopped a plane to San Francisco and found the Winfrey Manor in the foothills of the Sierra Nevadas. He swiftly despatched the young transgender overweight guards with his mind-numbing portmanteaus. Oprah lay in her ergonomic Nepalese yak velvet bed, dreaming of a world where all humanity was united by the release of Oprah: The Movie. For a moment, Fieri hesitated. She was so serene, so motherly. He felt a strange stirring inside him - was this - was this - could it be love?

No, he realised. It was just the hideous Taco Bell burrito/dorito/burger combo platter he had for one of his lunches.

Without another thought, he slit her throat and left her gasping in her own rich, rich blood.

Also what are you talking about GG fedorafreak is the most important of the celebrities.

Whenever there's a new update, we must always ask ourselves, "How does this affect fedorafreak?"

[Morhek]

As the INSANE CLOWN POSSE began their rule of the land with MIRTH and FAYGO and BRUTALITY, they gathered to themselves a cadre of RAPPING ASSASSINS, men who the Batterwitch would amusedly call "SUB-SUBJUGGLATORS." First to join was VANILLA ICE, whose talents for HOME RENOVATION and EXTREMELY SHITTY RAPPING found favour with the Mirthful Messiahs. He would become the leader of this elite cadre of MUSICAL HITMEN, alongside others: CHRIS BROWN, a man renowned for his GENDER EQUALITY during his assassinations; KE$HA, a woman so mechanical she could BRUSH HER TEETH with a BOTTLE OF JACK, and who when she GOES OUT FOR THE NIGHT SHE AIN'T COMING BACK; A MARTIAN called BRUNO, last survivor of another race subjugated by the Batterwitch, . the man so devoted to her that he CAUGHT A GRENADE for her, and who filled the SKY FULL OF LIGHTERS; and KATY PERRY, who ushered in the CANDYOCALYPSE and devastated CALIFORNIA.

Using his arcane MAJYYKS, the FIRST SON OF SKAIA assembled a pair of LYRICAL AVENGERS to combat them. From the blackest pits he raised MERCURY, whose MOUSTACHE gives him unfathomable power, brought back to the land of the living to save it. Unbeknownst to the resistance, the songs of QUEEN have always been an instrument of opposition to the Batterwitch, subconsciously implanted long before her revalation. Joining him was BOWIE, a LYRICAL WORDSMITH INCOMPARABLE. Together, these two would PUT THE FEAR OF COD into the Condesce, and put their enemies UNDER PRESSURE. First to perish was VANILLA ICE, because ICE ICE BABY was a TRAVESTY and the man is named after FRIGGIN' ICECREAM for god's fucking sakes.

[ashdenej]

Fixed up the first post a little. May well add more later.

[Dmatix]

Alrighty, I thought I'll try something a bit different. A poem.

The day the cakes came



The day the cakes came, the world was split in two,
Guy Feiri was the first, after him came his crew:
Gordon Ramsay the turncoat, Jamie Oliver too
The mirthful duo, and their fans in the zoos
Oprah Winfrey, who's strength only grew.

Against them stood a selected few
And these brave souls, they did stand true.
Brave Terry Pratchett a hundred juggalos slew
While Patton Oswalt the Condesce did boo
But even as they did, sadly they knew,
That it was too late, victory was the shrew's.

[General-jwj]

Gosh darn it I want to write something for this so bad, but inspiration isn't forthcoming. Maybe a night of sleep will give me a good idea

Would it be grating if I wrote about "local" celebrities to where I live if no more well-known ones come to mind ? I mean, it'd be a reverse Guy Fieri (since Americans know him but no one knows him here)

[Morhek]

Gosh darn it I want to write something for this so bad, but inspiration isn't forthcoming. Maybe a night of sleep will give me a good idea

Would it be grating if I wrote about "local" celebrities to where I live if no more well-known ones come to mind ? I mean, it'd be a reverse Guy Fieri (since Americans know him but no one knows him here)

The Batterwitch has her tendrils all over the world, bro. We all know Brian Tamaki is her southern-hemisphere ambassador, and John Key will be her puppet leader, dancing on his strings.

[Morhek]

New topic: talk show hosts! Who joins the resistance, who collaborates?

Oh who am I kidding, we all know they're working for Crocker already.

[UmbraSicarius]

And Lo did Cyborg Zombie Washington enlist the aid of Vampire Lincoln and the man who fought death and won Teddy Roosevelt together they were the President action squad.

[Morhek]

And Lo did Cyborg Zombie Washington enlist the aid of Vampire Lincoln and the man who fought death and won Teddy Roosevelt together they were the President action squad.

Oh god, we need a manip of this SO MUCH.

Pose as a team, because SHIT JUST GOT PRESIDENTIAL.

[genteelGunslinger]

New topic: talk show hosts! Who joins the resistance, who collaborates?

Oh who am I kidding, we all know they're working for Crocker already.

I believe someone mentioned in the ComDisc thread about how Oprah Winfrey could of been just as murderous and evil, had Guy Fieri not killed her in her sleep after infiltrating her hidden mansion.

I think we should start there.

[Morhek]

I believe someone mentioned in the ComDisc thread about how Oprah Winfrey could of been just as murderous and evil, had Guy Fieri not killed her in her sleep after infiltrating her hidden mansion.

I think we should start there.

That was Fish, here. It was magnificent.

But are we sure Oprah will STAY dead?

show spoiler

hide spoiler