BEARS ARE NATURES MOST DANGEROUS CREATURES
THEY FEEL NO PAIN, AND ARE VERY HEAVY, MAKING THEM IMMUNE TO NATURE'S 2 DEADLIEST WEAKNESSES GROINSHOTS AND SUPLEXES
BEARS ARE INCREDIBLY TERRITORIAL, AND WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH UNDER EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE
HOW TO AVOID A BEAR
YOU CANNOT RUN, AS THEY ARE TOO FAST
YOU CANNOT CLIMB TREES, THEY WILL KNOCK THEM DOWN
YOU CANNOT SWIM AWAY, BEARS ARE EXCELLENT FISHERS AND SWIMMERS
YOU CANNOT SCARE THEM AWAY
BEARS FEEL NO FEAR
NO FEAR WHATSOEVER
THEY ARE BEARS
BEAR CHALLENGE RULES
UPON ENTERING THE BEAR INFESTED FOREST*, YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO LAST SEVERAL DAYS IN THE FOREST
BEARS WILL SMELL FEAR, SO REMAIN CALM (you will be supplied with a small supply of marijuana: for emergencies)
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO KEEP A BEARLOG DETAILING YOUR DAILY "ACTIVITIES"
ACROSS THE 20 ACRE FOREST, THERE ARE 6 DENS
EACH ONE CONTAINS A BEAR COMMANDER
the most terrifying beast on the planet.
ONE FROM THE FAR NORTH, ONE FROM THE TEMPERATE FORESTS, ONE FROM THE MOST DANGEROUS PARTS OF THE AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK, ONE A GIANT ROBOTIC WATER BEAR, ONE TRAINED IN NINJA ARTS HERALDING FROM THE DEEP BAMBOO FORESTS OF CHINA, AND ALSO A BADGER BECAUSE IT IS PRACTICALLY AN HONORARY BEAR.
WHEN THE LAST BEAR COMMANDER IS SLAIN, A HELICOPTER WILL DESCEND, READY TO EVACUATE YOU FOR YOUR SAFETY, AS BY THIS POINT THE BEARS WILL BE INCREDIBLY ENRAGED.
WE'RE NOT USUALLY BIG ON SAFETY. THAT'S HOW DANGEROUS THE BEARS WILL BECOME.
YOUR PRIZE FOR COMPLETION OF THE CHALLENGE WILL BE A LIFE-TIME SUPPLY OF SALMON, ONE MILLION DOLLARS, AND ONE OF THE FEW SAMMY THE GIANT TEDDY BEARS EVER MADE, BEFORE THEY WERE RECALLED FOR SUFFOCATING SMALL CHILDREN, AND CRUSHING BEDS UNDER THEIR MASSIVE WEIGHT.
IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT YOU DO NOT TAKE THIS CHALLENGE IF YOU ARE NOT MAN ENOUGH FOR IT.
I stepped off the back of the pickup truck and onto the dirt road. Immediately following that I was struck unconscious. I really should've waited before I tipped the driver.
I awoke in the middle of a meadow, a knapsack laying on my chest. After I gather myself I assess the situation.
I am in a grass clearing with tall pine trees forming a seemingly impenetrable barrier all around me.
I check the knapsack for anything useful, I find:
(2) bottles of water
(1) hunting knife
(1) box of animal crackers, it seems as though it's all just the bear shaped ones.
(1) raw salmon, it's pungent odor has already rubbed off on all the items in my bag and also my hands.
(1) unmarked vhs tape, possibly a blank.
(7) bullets, would be useful if I had a gun, maybe if I just throw them hard enough I could hurt something.
(1) journal, accompanied with several pens, I remember vaguely being told to write in it, so I might as well for organizational purposes.
The last item I found sends a cold wave through my spine and a shooting pain into my arm, well into where my arm use to be.
(1) jar of honey
I inspect the landscape an notice a tree considerably taller than the rest, I decide if I can climb it I could get a good view of the region, as I get ready to start walking towards it, I can feel cold eyes drill into my back.
Looking back, I should have known agreeing to help clear out the bear problem my subjects were facing was a misguided attempt at generosity. I was picked up without notice, forcibly taken out of my mansion. I was blindfolded and stripped off all my belongings except the clothes on my body (and I felt a few overly touchy-feely hands stroke the fabric of my suit). They birefly went over some basic information while I muttered curses in my native tongue at them and then I was knocked out. When I regained consciousness, all I could see was the colour green. I jolt up and the first thought that strikes me is that sitting up took a lot more effort than it should have, and the second is the reason why; I was burried in a pile of weed.
You have got to be fucking shitting me. I was informed that I would be supplied with a small amount, but from the looks of it, I must have gotten the share of nearly every sodding bastard that signed up for this. And not only that, but it seems it replaced all the other equipment I was promised. Just my luck, stranded in a bear infested forest, marijuana my only tool of survival.
Luckily once I finall get out of the pile I find that I am still carrying my personal notebook and writing utensil, so at least I can avoid any sort of punishment for not keeping up the stupid bear log like I was ordered to. I take a moment to evaluate my surroundings; The forest around me seems to be made mostly of tall pine trees, and the ground underneath me feels hard, dry and cold. I can only assume I must have been dropped off in the northern parts of the arena. It's a small comfort that I will be starting out in a familliar environment, since it also means that I am undoubtingly close to the den of a familliar beast.
I stuff all my available pockets with the ganja and smile grimly as I go on my way.
O-oh my...I wasn't man enough for the bee challenge nor am I man enough for the BEAR CHALLENGE but I am MAN ENOUGH TO TOAST IN THIS EPIC BREAD!!! After the bee challenge I am going to be watching this thread VERY CLOSELY for wacky hijinks and nightmare fuel. I trust I will not be disappoint!
Your name is AFNIEL REALTA. While your beverage of choice is COFFEE, your work involves the serving of A RIDICULOUS VARIETY OF TEAS. You have a fondness for TAROT DECKS and BLANK BOOKS, and enjoy frequent games of DONJONS & DRAGONYY'YDS. Your trolltag is artisticCatastrophe and your grammar i5 5up3rb, bu7 you'r3 fa5cina73d by c3r7ain prim3 numb3r5.
*BEARFACT* Bears can consume twice their weight in human flesh in one sitting! *BEARFACT*
> Log File 1
Well, at least they let me keep my phone. And it appears that someone has slipped a Ziploc bag of marijuana into my coat pocket. I suppose it's a net gain, really. Aside from the whole "trapped in a forest full of bears" issue.
I should start from the beginning, so that the hapless hiker who may perhaps stumble over my corpse some day can divine some meaning from these journals. I am Stij, a former executive intelligence officer of Varracorp. Doubtless you have heard of then, so I will not waste time describing their many accomplishments. Suffice to say I was... instrumental in implementing many of their most infamous projects.
After the Apiary Initiative went south, I was assigned to create an after-action report of the incident. In this report, I dared to suggest that the death of the Motherbee, the most critical part of the project, was the deliberate work of an outsider and not a freak equipment accident. This tacit admission that Varracorp was less than all-powerful landed me in hot water with the higher-ups, especially since the report was soon leaked to the public. Word is (I will never know for sure, of course) that I drew the ire of Her herself.
That is probably why they chose to flood my office with knockout gas this afternoon. This may seem like disproportionate retribution to you, dear reader, but you simply don't understand how the company works.
When I came to, it was a cool Northwestern night. I was in a thick coniferous forest I didn't recognize. Aside from the aforementioned weed and phone, all I had on me was my suit. I am no expert woodsman, but I could hear the unmistakable sound of ursine lowing coming from outside the clearing I sat in, and could smell the heady aroma of bear scat. I knew then without a doubt where I had been sent. Just like Her to use former allies as test subjects. Well, She shouldn't count me out yet. I can still give Her more than She bargained for.
- Today I had sex with, and seduced, and also made fall in love with me a northern leader denleader bear, and his bear pals. It was the most glorious orgy.
What was the challenge again? And then I mate tuna sandwiches.
The world's a stage, and each of us must play our part.
Originally Posted by wrinklefudger
I seriously want it to be black hole powers, just so we can see another way universes get mad- actually, wait, no, don't do that hussie! That is going in my story, not yours!
How lucky am I? I have entered a very exclusive survival challenge after getting an invitation in the mail for a million dollar sweepstakes. I mean, wow, a million dollars? Do you know how much I can buy with that??? A lot, let me tell you. And boy am I ready. They don’t call me the “Bear Man” for nothing! I am my town’s best survivalist after all! Is that a thing? I hope it is.
I haven’t seen any bears yet though. Wonder why. II do smell sex in the air though...
Maybe its mating season? I do not know much about bears other than the fact that they are routinely killed and miniaturized for our children.
The last words my mother ever said to me were: "Mr. Cohen isn't your real father; your real father... was actually... a... bear..." Then she died. Ever since then, I havebeen searching for him. I heard about some silly bear contest challenge thing and thought, "Maybe I might find a clue." So, I signed up.
I was brought to the bear forest in the back of a large semi. I was packed in with about 40 non-part-bear people, who seemed to be acting strange (fear?). Anyway, after a while, they opened up the back. I went up to someone who appeared to be in charge and asked if all these people were participating in the challenge. She told me no and said they did need to feed the bears every once in a while. She left me with a pack and led the other people off into the forest. So here I am, all provisioned up and ready to go off on a 100%, completely, undeniably safe adventure to find my father (and maybe those other bears they mentioned in the contest. I could always use more salmon).
Today I mauled like SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE it's not even funny I mean by the gods was that ever a blood bath. I snagged some good trail mix today from hikers, they were all like HRRR IMMA GOING TO GO LOOKING FOR BEARS THANKS TO THE INTERNET or something and I was like RAAAWR YOU FOUND ME and then we both spoke in THE LANGUAGE OF BLOODY INTESTINES. (Dun, DUN, DUNNNNNN!!!!!!!)
CAPS EDIT: DANG NABBIT IT MRBEAR I AM THE BEARIEST BEAR HERE, YOUR TAUNTING MAKES MY CAPS LOCK STUCK IN RAGE. RAAAAAAAGH!
As I walk between the pine trees I find many disturbing signs, claw scratches on the trees, blood stains soaked into the dirt, and most disturbing of all, more gored corpses than I ever cared to see.
They have all been torn apart by claws and teeth, I remember vaguely something about bears.
I've looted the corpses I found for whatever I can find, extra water, a lighter, and just about everyone was carrying a small amount of marijuana.
I checked my bag again and sure enough there was a stash within a hidden pocket of my bag. Perhaps this is all just some elaborate drug cartel, I think I'd prefer being drug mule than some contestant in a sick game show. I stow the pot away.
Once I reached the the tall pine I began my climb, my prosthetic arm may not be one of those sweet super strong cyborg arms but it gets the job done.
I reached the top and began to survey my surroundings, coniferous trees far and wide stretching out into forever. I notice some irregularities such as a dry treeless patch over to the south, and off to the east there were thin green stalks as tall as the trees. very close to the west was a deep ravine, I couldn't quite see the bottom even from my vantage point.
I decided to climb down and decide where to go next when I saw them.
At least a dozen of them circling around the tree, growling menacingly. Before I could decide what to do next the whole horizon started tilting, it only took another second to realize the tree was toppling over towards the ravine, I held on tight, kept holding as I dangled over the chasm. The tree started shaking and I looked over to see the see the bears and walking across the tree. It took only half a dozen of them to snap the trunk and send us all plummeting.
I was lucky enough to land in the river, the bears... not so much.
Now as I dry myself off I see my options have narrowed down significantly, left or right.
*BEARFACT* Sometimes a bear escapes the wilds and sires a child with a human woman! The resulting half-human spawn is a miscegenation of nature and should be destroyed on sight by an authorized Varracorp agent. *BEARFACT*
> Log file 2
I met an old... friend today.
I awoke this morning to a strange but all too familiar sensation: the cloying smell of honey. Wary that someone (or -thing) might be nearby, I wasted no time in tracing the smell to its source, which turned out to be a man-sized, ambulatory armadillo.
The sight must have startled me enough that I betrayed my position, for the man-dillo whirled around and looked straight into the bush in which I hid. Fortunately, he did not look malevolent, but rather as startled as I was. Once I saw the human intelligence in his face, I knew at once who he was.
"Ah, the armadillo," I said, climbing out of the bush. "I see you made it out of Apiary Initiative alive. Commendable." I made a vain effort to brush the twigs and sap off of my suit and restore some semblance of professionalism. "You can call me Stij. I work for Varracorp... or used to, rather."
The armadillo, taken aback, didn't respond for a moment. "Bloody 'ell", he said. "I should have known you bastards were behind this too!" His eyes fell to my suit pocket, searching for a gun. Before I could respond, he stiff-armed me in the solar plexus with a scaly forelimb. I went down faster than a rude metaphor about promiscuity. "WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?" he shouted down my neck.
"I... I'm as lost as you!" I choked out. "My bosses gassed me and I woke up here last night. I was involved in the project that uplifted you, and yes, I helped organize the bee thing, but I swear, I'm just an administrator. I didn't make any decisions."
He relented his pressure on my chest a bit. I gratefully gasped for breath. Good lord, this thing must be at least 300 pounds, I thought. "What were you doing spyin' on me from a bush, then?" he asked.
"I, uh, I smelled you, and I thought you might be a threat. You know how bears get around honey."
He looked down sheepishly. "Oh. That. Yeah, you remember that special jelly that the great stonkin' huge queen bee was making?"
"The royal jelly of the Motherbee?"
A dismissal wave. "Sure. Whatever it was, I had too much of it. Started turning me human-ish. And huge." He inspected a massive arm critically. "Can't complain about the super strength, but this whole two-legs affair is bloody annoying. Can't see how you lot manage it."
The thrill of scientific curiosity overrode my desire to bolt for the trees as soon as his back was turned. "That's... that's amazing! I knew the royal jelly had transformative effects on humans and bees, but I had no idea it could do anything to other species."
"Well, here I am." He untensed a little further, letting me get to my feet. "Since you seem t'be stuck here too, mister administrator-" he pronounced the word like a slur - "any idea how we can get out?"
"None. But if I know Varracorp - and believe me, I do - than there's bound to be plenty more people here, and infrastructure. Let's lay low for now, but keep our eyes open for a path."
He extended a paw towards the thicket of trees ahead in mock grace. "After you then, good sahr..."