-- pharisaicIdent [PI] began trolling luminaryStarlet [LS] --
PI: VIPerI. VIPerI.
LS: Oh, look who it is! (VIPERI runs stage left and tugs PERKAE'S cape.)
LS: Finally decided to give me a ring!
PI: Yeah, sorry about that. My lusus and I had another fIght the other day, and he stoPPed me from usIng the comPuter... and my TVs. He blocked everythIng!
LS: I'm sorry to hear that! (She pats his shoulder sympathetically.)
LS: You must have been sooo bored! B(
PI: I was. There was lIterally nothIng to do!
PI: I spent the whole day readIng the PaPer, whIch was fIne, I guess, but usually I like to cross-reference what I'm readIng with what's PlayIng on TV.
PI: So even though I was caught uP on my readIng once he let me use the TVs agaIn, I stIll had to look over my recordIngs of the day's NEWS to comPare!
PI: Would have Put me a whole day behInd If I dIdn't stay uP all nIght catchIng uP.
LS: What a travesty! I'm sorry to hear about that.
PI: Thanks VIP. I knew you'd understand.
PI: UnlIke some of these other uncultured squealbeasts we fraternIze wIth.
LS: This reminds me of the time that one troll almost died because she stayed up for several days straight reviewing the entire filmography of Troll Tom London. She didn't eat or anything!
LS: Isn't that crazy?!
PI: FascInatIng. Really.
PI: ThIs Is about my lIfe, VIP, not some celebrIty gossIP nonsense.
LS: It's not nonsense! (She scoffs angrily.)
PI: If It wasn't ImPortant enough to be rePorted on THE NEWS, then It's nonsense!
PI: And If It had been on THE NEWS, I would have heard about It.
LS: I'm sure it was reported on! How else would I have heard of it, doofus? (She smirks, obviously the victor.)
PI: ImPossIble. I would have heard about It.
PI: You Probably heard It from one of those gossIPy losers lIvIng In your hIvestem.
PI: LIke that geeky lowblood you always talk about.
LS: First of all, my hivestem is not full of losers, it's full of extremely classy trolls with a penchant for the fine arts!
LS: And second of all, EE may be super geeky, but at least he's not a huge grubfucker! (VIPERI frowns deeply, putting her hands on her hips.)
PI: VIP, Please. Don't talk lIke that, you sound lIke a lowblood.
LS: I pretty much am a lowblood, Perkae! And so are you.
PI: NEWFLASH: I am not a fuckIng lowblood.
PI: And neIther are you.
PI: I'm PractIcally a hIghblood.
PI: And you...
LS: (She quirks a brow expectantly.)
PI: ...You're a greenblood.
LS: Good golly goodness, am I really?
LS: I had no idea! (VIPERI gasps loudly and touches her face in amazement and wonder.)
LS: Thank you for the amazing insight! (HER TONE IS DRIPPING WITH SARCASM.)
PI: NNNNGGGHH. ChIcks just don't get the subletIes of the hemosPectrum!
LS: Excuse me?
PI: It's okay VIP, It's a comPlex heIrarchy and It's fIne If you don't fully understand It.
PI: I'm sure no one thInks any less of you for It.
LS: Ugh, fine, whatever! (She throws her hands up.)
PI: Let's just Put It behInd us and discuss other thIngs.
LS: Yes, let's. (VIPERI sits down and lets out a long breath.)
PI: What's, uh... how's your day been.
LS: Well, I woke up and my lusus had left the window open... And then it rained overnight. All my playbills were soggy. B(
PI: That's nothIng. Once my recuPeracoon sPrung a leak and got soPor slIme all over my hand-PrInted PaPers.
LS: Once my floor's public launderblock got totally destroyed and flooded the hallways. I had to wear water shoes for days. (VIPERI sticks her tongue out at the ugliness factor.)
PI: Last tIme my launderblock was damaged, It flooded the whole bottom Part of my hIve. I couldn't leave for a week.
LS: That's impossible!
PI: It haPPened!
LS: Well I bet you've never seen your culinary cube go up in flames! (Her voice is getting louder.)
PI: Actually, no.
PI: But I have seen my whole nutrItIonblock do It.
LS: Well, my lusus once tore apart all of my feather boas, and I had to replace them all!
PI: MIne trIed to Peck out my eyes.
LS: I'm sorry.
PI: Yeah, whatever.
LS: (She coughs.)
PI: BREAKING NEWS: I need your advIce.
LS: On that?
PI: No. SomethIng else.
LS: Oh, okay. What is it? (VIPERI leans in close.)
PI: SS assIgned me to be someone's server Player.
LS: That's good, isn't it? (She tilts her head in confusion.)
PI: Well, yes, but he's a lowblood. And I thInk she's tryIng to set me uP wIth hIm.
PI: In a quadrant-y PursuIt-y sort of way.
PI: And also In a blInd sort of way, sInce we don't even know each other In real lIfe.
PI: Yeah. I don't know how I should Proceed.
LS: Well, you don't have to do anything? You can just, y'know, be his server player and... that's it! Don't even have to talk!
PI: That's odd advIce comIng from you.
LS: I just think you should stay in your comfort zone!
LS: You don't have to treat it like anything you don't want it to be.
LS: It's kinda like the time everyone thought Troll Emma Watson and Troll Rupert Grint would get together just because they had a charged relationship on-screen in Troll Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which contains many gratuitous shots of the environment in which our heros travel through, several accounts of gross impersonation, an absurd amount of camping and tents, a growing matespritship torn asunder by jealousy and a small amount of kismessitude and then rekindled by a good auspistice, and quite a few deaths.
LS: But they didn't!
LS: So it was okay. (VIPERI laughs.)
PI: Hm. I thInk I remember you gIvIng me a synoPsIs of that fIlm serIes.
PI: Are you recommendIng that I Put hIm in hIs Place by schoolIng hIm wIth my suPerIor hIghblood Intellect uPon our fIrst conversaItIon?
LS: Wait, what?
PI: SmashIng advIce, VIP! The lowblood won't know what hIt hIm.
PI: That's the tIme I have, then. I'll tell you how It goes!
-- pharisaicIdent [PI] began trolling dwarfSculptor [DS] --
PI: GreetIngs, lowblood.
DS: Helloo- helloo- helloo...?
DS: Whoo is this...?
PI: My name Is Perkae MIshna. I'm your new server Player.
PI: I fIgured you Probably would not take the InItIatIve to sPeak wIth me fIrst-
PI: WhIch I don't blame you for, but-
PI: I felt thIngs would Progress more smoothy If I dId the gentlemanly thIng and oPened up the otherwIse IntImIdatIng channels of communIcatIon.
DS: Whoo the fuck is this guy, eh...?
DS: He soounds like a real jerk...
DS: Noot that I'd ever say that oout looud...
PI: ...DId you just type out your Inner thoughts to PatronIze me?
DS: Ooh, fuck...
DS: Ignoore that- that- that...
PI: Okay, weIrdo...
DS: Wait, doon't tell me...
DS: Perkae Mishna...
DS: Six sweeps, greenblooood...
DS: News bloogger, uplooads videoos too the internet aboout his oopinioons oon news stoories- stoories- stoories...
DS: Had a radioo shoow for a while that didn't pan oout because noo oone listened too it except his gooood friend Viperi Elarus...
DS: Big fan oof Trooll Toom Brookaw...
DS: Woow, what a tooool... Noot that I'd ever say that oout looud...
PI: How dId you know all of that? Are you psychIc?
DS: Noot really... Just gooood at digging up dirt...
DS: My coomputer's a hunk of junk, soo usually it takes me loonger to find infoo, but yoou've plastered yoourself all oover the internet- internet- internet...
DS: Soo, uh, way too goo oon that oone, I guess...
PI: Shut uP.
PI: I'll have you know that my radIo show was extremely successful, I just dIdn't have the tIme to keeP it uP.
PI: Too many other ImPortant thIngs to do.
DS: I highly dooubt he's telling the truth oon that oone- oone- oone...
DS: Noot that I'd ever say that oout looud...
PI: My gosh, you flagrant IdIot.
PI: You're havIng an onlIne conversatIon. ThInk before you tyPe. Have a fIlter about you!
DS: I can't... I use a speech-too-text proogram that types up and sends anything I say oout looud- looud- looud...
DS: And I say moost things oout looud...
PI: Well why do you use a stuPId thIng lIke that?
DS: Because I'm woorking and I can't stoop too type every twoo secoonds- secoonds- secoonds...
DS: What- what- what...?
PI: What do you do, lowblood?
DS: I sculpt...
DS: Yeah, y'know. Sculptures...
PI: Don't be a smartass.
DS: Yoou asked...
PI: I'm sorry I dId. You have a real mouth on you, lowblood.
PI: That wasn't a comPlIment.
DS: And I wasn't being serioous- serioous- serioous...
PI: You're InfurIatIng.
DS: And yoou're a doouchenoozzle.
DS: Oof coourse, I'd never say that oout looud- looud- looud...
PI: Oh wow.
PI: You are offIcIally the bIggest IdIot I've ever met.
PI: I can't belIeve SS trIcked me Into beIng In charge of your survIval.
DS: Hahaha, SS tricked yoou...?
DS: That's awesoome- awesoome- awesoome...
PI: NEWSFLASH: It Is not awesome. It Is the oPPosIte of awesome.
PI: I almost got excIted about thIs stuPId arrangement.
PI: But It turns out I'm just babysIttIng a weIrd lowblood wIth no sense of class and a dIsfunctIonal thInkPan.
DS: Hey, I'm noot any happier aboout having too woork with soomeoone like yoou, buddy...
PI: Not haPPY? HA!
PI: TOP STORY TONIGHT: Lowbloods don't realIze blessIngs when they get them!
PI: You should be thankful you have someone lIke me to look out for you!
DS: Ooh shoould I be...?
DS: I doon't knoow, it soounds like yoou aren't really that invested...
PI: LIke hell I'm not!
PI: I'm goIng to show you what a real Player of thIs game Is lIke.
PI: You're goIng to be so safe. ThIs server, rIght here, wIll be comPletely IdIot-Proof.
DS: Is that soo- soo- soo...?
PI: It Is so.
PI: You won't even have a chance to mess It up.
PI: I'm gonna show you and SS and all of them what I can do.
DS: All oof whoo...?
PI: SHUT UP.