Disinformation Desk

[That Didn't Stop]

“No! Cut it out, Yax! Falconer is a guest!”




“Oh, hi Jen. Good thing you showed up when you did! I was about to tear your security system into pieces.”

“This is one of the reasons you’re supposed to call ahead, Falconer. Or at least ring the doorbell.”

“Wait, you have a doorbell?”

“I’m thinking maybe I should put one in.”

[Mibbs]

Yax: demand identification so we can learn the falconers true name

[Armok]

(great music btw!)

[That Didn't Stop]

“SHALL I ADD THIS GUEST TO THE REGISTRY, MA'AM?”

“If we do that, does that mean you won’t attack me next time I come over?”

“IT DOES.”

“Sounds great!”

“Yes, that sounds...”







“Great.”

Yax: demand identification so we can learn the falconers true name

>Yax: Demand Identification.



“VERY WELL . YOUR NAME, SIR?”

“Falconer, The.”

“. . .”




“NO MATCH FOUND. WHAT IS YOUR REAL NAME, SIR?”

“I’d really rather not...”

“IN THAT CASE, I AM COMPELLED TO CLASSIFY YOU AS A THREAT TO MISS AUDITORE'S SAFETY. YOU HAVE EXACTLY ONE MINUTE TO LEAVE THE PREMISES.”

“Alright, alright! Settle down! I’ll tell you.”




“My name is Roger Fritterburg.”





“Really? That’s your name? That’s what you were being so cagey about?”




“I kind of assumed your real name would be something really embarrassing, like Stoolreek Dunghill.”




“THREE PERSONS NAMED 'ROGER FRITTERBURG' HAVE BEEN FOUND. ONE IS A LAWYER IN TORONTO. ONE IS A HEALTH INSPECTOR IN HAMBURG.”




“THE THIRD IS WANTED BY THE CIA FOR THE MURDER OF 14 FIELD AGENTS IN KAMPALA.”






“Yeah, I might have done something like that. Y’see, what happened was...”

“...none of my business. My only priority is the survival of humankind, and you are helping me make that possible. We can sort all this out in 2013.”

“But if you just hear me out, you’ll understand...”




“Oh, look. Someone’s messaging me. I gotta take this.”

Show ConspIrelog:

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SmashingSuccess contacted ThetanicImmortal at 11:53 pm

SS: Goooood morning TI!!!
SS: Is it morning for you?
SS: How’s life out there beyond the reach of civilization’s warm glow?
TI: I’m just fine, thank you
TI: and yes, its morning here
TI: how can I help you?
SS: Can’t a gal just msg her new friend and say.....
SS: Goooooood morning TI!!!!!
SS:?
TI: okay
TI: good morning to you too
TI: I just need to let you know that I won’t be able to chat long
TI: I’m pretty busy today!
SS: Oh me too!
SS: Sooo.....
SS: Are you just regular busy
SS: Or is there something in particular.......
SS: Like a disturbance??
SS: Wanna talk about it???
TI: just a bit behind schedule, that’s all :P
SS: With the teleporter?
TI: transportalizer
TI: and how do you know about that?
SS: A mutual friend
TI: don’t take this the wrong way
TI: but my friends don’t usually
TI: tell each other
TI: my secrets
SS: Don’t worry
SS: My lips are sealed!!!
SS: Discretion is one of my most charming qualities
SS: And IF’s not a blab either
TI: o_o
SS: Oh my goodness!!!!!!
SS: Did I just accidentally mention IF????
TI: did you?
SS: Did I?
TI: ...?
SS: Have you spoken to him lately?
TI: I don’t know
TI: It’s probably been a few days
SS: A few dayyyyys?
SS: Gimme a second to do the math
SS: ...................
SS: 34 days
SS: He hasn’t answered once
SS: He hasn’t answered anyone
TI: maybe he’s having some problems with his account
SS: Hmmmmmm....
SS: Did you get anything interesting in the mail?
TI: I don’t get much mail
SS: Can you just check your mailbox for me
SS: Pleeeease?
TI: my mailbox is on the other side of a canyon
SS: Oh
SS: I see
SS: Check it anyway!!!

SmashingSuccess broke contact with ThetanicImmortal

[Mibbs]

Jen: start the long trek to the mailbox

[Curris]

Test the Transportalizer to swiftly access mailbox. You have a working prototype, right?

[Naristar]

Falconer cry that noone understands you!!

[That Didn't Stop]

Falconer: cry that noone understands you!!

If only she would listen...

But why would she listen to a murderer and a traitor? You ought to be grateful she hasn’t ordered her killbot to pulverize you at a molecular level. It’d be better than you deserve.




Oh, well. Maybe you’ll get your shot at redemption soon. Maybe Jen can help you locate your old teammate. Maybe you will be ready this time.




Maybe everything’s gonna beWOAH! WHAT THE CRAP!?




“DNA MATCHED. IDENTITY CONFIRMED. WELCOME, MR. FRITTERBURG.”

Test the Transportalizer to swiftly access mailbox. You have a working prototype, right?

>Jen: Use transportalizer to swiftly access mailbox.



Of all the funny ideas you’ve had today, this one is the funniest! Your transportalizer is obviously locked in to the rotation and trajectory of the Earth itself. It’s purpose is obviously to transfer the entire planet to a new orbit. It’s not like you can just use it to fetch things for you like some kind of appearification device out of a science fiction movie. Obviously.

I mean, you could probably get some cartesians for the mailbox, calculate where it will be relative to the center of the universe in five minutes, and bludgeon spacetime with an iron hitching-post until it agrees to send you there. But even if you were feeling reckless enough to attempt this, you’d still have to walk back.

Jen: start the long trek to the mailbox

Oh, well. Looks like you’ll have to do this the slow way. This could take hours.








Well, there's your mailbox. Finally! That journey took fore-e-e-e-ver!

It's a shame that your mailbox doesn't have one of those red-flag flappy-arm dealies that lets you know when you have mail. It would save you the trouble of having to unlock it and physically look for mail.

It's probably empty. It's pretty much always empty. You would bet money that it's empty right now.




Hey, you DO have mail!

You got an EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE!

[Mibbs]

woohoo! now walk back

[WhimsicalAquarium]

>Jen: Find something else in the mailbox that mysteriously looks like a Valentine's gift.

>Jen: Nervously grab gift and find it's from a certain missing person you're looking for.

[That Didn't Stop]

>Jen: Find something else in the mailbox that mysteriously looks like a Valentine's gift.

And a BOX OF CHOCOLATES!




And an ALIEN BEAR PLUSH!

It is holding a NOTE.


>Read note.



Show Note:

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“Dear ThetanicImmortal,

I saw this adorable green guy and I thought of you, and the way you’re always talking about weird space creatures that nobody else has ever heard of. A lot of people think you’re crazy, but guess what? This little guy will believe absolutely anything you tell him. No, really! Try it!!!
As for the chocolates, they’re supposedly based on an ancient Mayan recipe. Y’know, ‘cause you like that kind of thing! Apparently they used to make some kind of chocolatey chili-porridge instead of candy bars. Who knew? Anyway, at least you don’t have to worry about it melting in the tropical sun!

All this is just to say that you are the the best friend, the most insightful confidant, and the kindest person I ever knew. I mean, I pretty much base my entire LIFE around all those wise things that you say. You’re like Oprah if Oprah could talk to time-traveling space angels. Now THERE’s a show I would watch!

So, anyway, we should totally get together for coffee sometime. I’m sure we have a LOT to talk about.

Your friend,
SmashingSuccess

Well, this certainly raises a few questions.

woohoo! now walk back

As you begin your return journey, you see someone else on the road. You’re pretty sure he or she wasn’t there a minute ago.

[Mibbs]

invite her in

[avidGamer]

Strange Creature: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[Naristar]

ok thats scary, Kill it!!
or hide....either way

[That Didn't Stop]

invite her in

The creature seems nice enough, so you offer to have lunch with it back at your place.

Strange Creature: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Your offer is rejected.




Now it’s moving toward you.

ok thats scary, Kill it!!

Kill it? With what!? Your Valentines plushie bear?

or hide....either way

Hide? Where!?

[Mibbs]

jump down and double around it, then kick it

[Curris]

Open the other mailboxes, they are bound to be full of DISTRACTIONS! DISTRACTIONS & MARBLES & SMOKE!

Then make a quick getaway by rolling down the hill to another ledge.

[WhimsicalAquarium]

>Wonder why there's so many mailboxes when there's only two houses in your neighborhood.

>Call upon your alien friends to help you in this situation.

>Jump down the fissure without thinking. Somehow survive.

[Naristar]

in the cave of course!!!

[That Didn't Stop]

jump down and double around it

then kick it

>Call upon your alien friends to help you in this situation.

Do not fear, child, they say. You do not die today, they say.

Sometimes, you really hate those guys.

Then make a quick getaway by rolling down the hill to another ledge.

>Jump down the fissure without thinking.

It’s a good thing you’re not thinking right now, because if you were thinking you would be thinking something uncharacteristically profane.

Somehow survive.

Well, there’s only one way to go from here.


>Down.









The prognosis is not good for the creature. It has lost a lot of... fluid, and it has ceased to move or breathe. There is nothing you can do for it. It is time to say goodbye.

Into the dark
Has come the light
Into tomorrow
Enters night
Into heaven
Go no more.
Into life our
Spirits soar
Conquering ever
Wisdom’s store
We do not tremble
Faced with death
We know that living
Is not breath.

Prevail!

- L. Ron Hubbard, American fiction writer and religious leader

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(That's an actual L-Ron quote btw, not a Homestuck-style misattribution. Just to be clear.)

[Naristar]

That was beautiful,
now pick up your type mecheine and head home!!

[Mibbs]

its a radio i think
>tell the falconer about that thing

[That Didn't Stop]

==>



Wait, is that...?


==>



It is! The radio you threw out the window earlier. Looks like the universe wants you to call the Falconer now.

Actually, YOU want you to call the Falconer now. That’s odd.

>tell the falconer about that thing

Show Radiolog:

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JEN: Hey Falconer! Come in, Falconer! Or whatever it is that I’m supposed to call you on Thursdays. Just pick up, alright?

FALCONER: Woodstock, this is Van Damme. Receiving 5 by 5. Where the heck have you been? Over.

JEN: I went to check my mail, and I was attacked by a monster.

FALCONER: ...

FALCONER: Request you say again?

JEN: I WAS ATTACKED BY A MONSTER. IT HAD GREEN BLOOD AND WEIRD SPIDER LEGS. IT. ATTACKED. ME. Over.

FALCONER: Roger.

FALCONER: Are you okay? Over.

JEN: I’m fine. It’s dead.

FALCONER: Say again!? Over.

JEN: You heard right. I killed it.

JEN: Or else it killed itself. Kind of a grey area.

FALCONER: Roger.

JEN: Anyway, I’m miles away from a decent climbing place.

JEN: And, while I would like to think that that attack was just a fluke and that I’ll never see another monster again as long as I live...

Show Radiolog:

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JEN: I don’t want to bet my life on it.

Show Radiolog:

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JEN: Fortunately, it’s easier to drop things into the gorge than it is to get things out of it.

JEN: Can you fetch a few things for me?

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Anticipate all eventualities, people. Don't think for a moment that I won't let her die if you don't make sure she has the supplies she need!

Okay, fine, Jen will make it out of the gorge alive. But still.

[Armok]

> Robot guard thingy (just have him hook up his radio to it for identification)
> ludicrous amounts of rope
> very many, very odd "good luck charms" and superstitious protection stuff. You keep a large crate of them, just throw down the whole thing.
> rocket launcher w. chainsaw bayonet
> jetpack... what do you mean you can't find the jetpack?!

[WhimsicalAquarium]

>Read note from SmashingSuccess again. Who are they?
>Hug alien teddy bear.