Disinformation Desk

[That Didn't Stop]

The mirror is up! Click here!






It is 11:00 AM, and a groggy civil servant stands before his workstation. As soon as he starts to feel the effects of his morning coffee, he will turn toward his computer and take his place at America's first line of defense. In the meantime, he'll just stand here and try to think of a name for himself.

What will it be?

[Kíeros]

Charles Ivan Ambrose.

Why else would he be wearing something that said CIA?

[Whimbrel]

Kevin C. Fritterburg

[greenMachine]

Frederick Billy Internus

Yeah, everyone on the force makes fun of you for having the initials FBI...

[That Didn't Stop]

You are now: Kevin C. Fritterburg. The name's a bit long, but it sounds nice and real. Like a real name that a real person might have. Perhaps your friends used to call you "Fritter" in college. Or maybe "Fritt."

And the "C." stands for "Charles."

Details like that are what really make for a good cover story. Details. The more pointless crap you make up, the further you plunge into the reality you're constructing. You are quite sure that this is what information warfare is all about.

[Naristar]

I like FBI

[That Didn't Stop]

==>



You decide to sit down and start working before your half-awake brain starts coming up with whimsical time-wasting shenanigans. Your procrastinative tendencies have become a bit of a problem lately, and your boss has taken to initiating surprise videochat inspections.

==>



You open ConspIre and start messaging your assistant.

Show ConspIrelog:

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InfallibleFalsehood contacted OrwellsRecruit at 11:03 am

IF: hey ned
i need you to swing by your house and pick up some wizard robes
dont even try to pretend you dont have them
OR: Do you want the star-spangled one with the pointy hat, or the blueone with the fur-lined hood?
IF: jesus no
IF: i mean like a cultist ritual robe
for the ritual
i told TW i would send him the video today
OR: Got it. But before I offer to bring my finest monk’s robes, I feel I must ask:
Does this “ritual” involve fake blood?
IF: that
IF: and real fire
IF: ill try to get GE to reimburse you
OR: Curses.
IF: cmon ned
IF: do it for me
IF: do it for...
AMERICA

InfallibleFalsehood broke contact with OrwellsRecruit

[Kíeros]

> ConspIre with someone else to get those robes for the... Wait; what ritual were you doing again?

[WhimsicalAquarium]

>Remember it involves some curse against your boss.

[Chwoka]

> ConspIre with someone else to get those robes for the... Wait; what ritual were you doing again?

There is none; it's part of an elaborate narrative you are trying to convince OR of, one that makes life at the CIA sound more exciting than it actually is. That's the main way they get new recruits.

[That Didn't Stop]

>ConspIre with someone else to get those robes for the... Wait; what ritual were you doing again?



You briefly consider asking someone else to pick up the robes for you, so that you don’t have to put up with any more of Ned’s nonsense. But alas, he is the only employee you have, and the bossman won’t give you clearance to hire anyone else.

This is sensitive business, after all. You don’t merely spread false information. You CONJURE this intrepid fantasyscape with blurry photographs snatched from the secrecy-bound pages of fifty thousand imaginary dossiers. You weave recondite tapestries of bewilderment with impossible anecdotes reported by a society of schizophrenic alien ghosts. Each of your lies leads to another, grander lie, leading those who would expose your country’s secrets on an infinite hunt through the brambles of deceit.

So, yeah. Your stupid fakey fake ritual is actually pretty important in the grand scheme of things.

==>



Uh oh. Looks like you spaced out for a minute there, and someone is trying to message you. You hate it when that happens.



It's your boss, GE. And he does not look happy. Not that he looks particularly unhappy, either...

Show ConspIrelog:

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GrandioseEnigma contacted InfallibleFalsehood at 11:13 am

GE: Jacobson
GE: Jacobson!
GE: Stop doing nothing and answer me.
IF: uh sorry
IF: i didn't know you had the camera switched on
IF:and i was just thinking
about my work and like
how many irons i have in the fire
GE: You were staring into space for at least four and a half minutes.
IF: its a lot to keep track of
IF: not that its too much to handle
or anything like that
IF: i got this under control
honest.
GE: Men of my profession are not
easily surprised.
But your...
work habits
continue to astound me.
IF: im very sorry sir.
GE: I didn't ask if you are sorry. Personally, I couldn't care less what you do with your time.
GE: But know this: should you fall behind on your work, you will not be difficult to replace.

GrandioseEnigma broke contact with InfallibleFalsehood

[WhimsicalAquarium]

>That's it! Use those robes to actually perform a cult ritual and curse your boss.

[Kíeros]

> Expound on the relationship between Crockercrop and Roswell.

[LaserShark]

So, what, he contacted you to gripe about the spacing-out you were doing that he wouldn't have seen if he hadn't contacted you? What a dink.

[Naristar]

Start a new conspiracy involvin russians, furbies, and Crocker corp and how they are all trying to steal your baked goods
Delicious baked goods....

[That Didn't Stop]

>That's it! Use those robes to actually perform a cult ritual and curse your boss.



You don’t know any curse rituals!

==>



But you resolve to learn some at the earliest opportunity.

>Expound on relationship between Crockercorp and Roswell.



Whenever you’re really upset, you cope by fabricating new conspiracies. That’s how you made it through your parents’ divorce. That’s how you survived high school. And that’s how you accidentally landed your first - and presumably last - job.

It seems that you have a loose thread in one of your current plots. In an earlier conversation with HermeticAluminium, you implied a connection between Betty Crocker and the Roswell UFO crash. You aren’t quite sure how you are going to make that one work.

==>



But as much as you’d love to explore this connection, it will have to wait. Someone is trying to message you.

Besides, most of your best conspiracy theories come to you randomly, preceded by a “>” symbol.

>Start a new conspiracy involvin russians, furbies, and Crocker corp and how they are all trying to steal your baked goods
Delicious baked goods....



Yeah, kinda like that.

You open ConspIre and sign in to one of your numerous alt accounts. The great thing about ConspIre is the way it allows you to manage all of your false identities from a single, straightforward menu. That’s why it’s so popular among the shady and the paranoid.

Show ConspIrelog:

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TargetWhitechapel contacted IlluminatusFugitive at 11:16 am

TW: Good morning, friend.
TW: I do not wish to be a pest, but I would greatly appreciate it if you would send me the ritual footage you promised quite soon.
TW: I fear that my window of opportunity is closing fast, and I will soon be unable to make good use of this information
IF: yeah sorry about that
IF: i have the disk right here
TW: Oh, thank heavens!
IF: but it could be awhile
IF: see, its concealed within a cake
TW: Forgive me, but I fail to see how this presents a significant obstacle to our mission...
IF: and theres someone watching me
IF: i cant go digging through the cake right now
IF: i just have to eat it at a normal pace
TW: Understandable. Who’s watching you?
IF: idk
IF: he might be kgb
IF: or worse
TW: Templar?
IF: haha i wish
IF: lets just say ive got a sneaking suspicion that he may know a lot more about cake than i do
TW: I see. The situation is grave indeed if the Batterwitch is involved.
TW: But why would she concern herself with this?
IF: idk yet
IF: and i cant type and eat cake at the same time
IF: just try to stay off the grid a little longer
IF: and for GODS sake dont talk to anyone about the furbies

IlluminatusFugitive broke contact with TargetWhitechapel

[Curris]

Read notes on Post-it board. . . Be sure to check for invisible ink!

[Kíeros]

> Look under desk for anything that may be incriminating.

[That Didn't Stop]

>Read notes on Post-it board... Be sure to check for invisible ink!



While you're waiting for Ned to arrive with his LARPing gear, you take a quick look at your bulletin board to see if you're forgetting about any critically important missions. You usually are.

There is no need to check for the presence of invisible ink, because you always write your reminders with invisible ink and you never write them with anything else.


==>



You turn off the ceiling lights on and off three times in rapid succession, which activates a hidden ultraviolet lamp. All of your forgotten objectives immediately come into view.

Let's see... you already talked to Ned about the ritual.

"backmask HA" means, "HermeticAluminium has sent you several reversed audio files, and he will be quite upset if you don't listen to them soon." You'll try to put that one off for a little while, but HA is one client you do not want to lose.

"denver" means "Be sure to include more oblique references to the Denver Airport Conspiracy in your next conversation with HA."

"what" means "TI gave you some cryptic advice yesterday. See if she'll explain it for you." That's not exactly work-related though, so it can wait as well.

"comm park ppl" means "Don't forget to post links to your blog in the comments section of YouTube videos pertaining to monster sightings in Fourwin Park."

You have no idea what you meant by "meow." It's stupid and you will predictably etc etc.


> Look under desk for anything that may be incriminating.



You flick the lights back on and glance under your desk, just in case. It's not like you expect to see anything down there, though. You generally keep all of your incriminating evidence on your hard drive, or else at Ned's house.

Uh oh. It looks like there's something down here after all. It's a DVD of Alfred Hitchcock's Rope that you borrowed from Ned, then lost, and then denied having borrowed in the first place.

You don't know why you felt compelled to tell a series of increasingly elaborate yet painfully transparent lies to your best friend over a $10 DVD. Something like remorse begins to sputter around at the periphery of your consciousness.

[Curris]

Welp. Seems like your operation is legit.
. . .
Too Legit. . .
I guess there's nothing else stopping you from Hacking the Pentagon! Dial up your old Pentium II and 56k Modem! Let's Do this Thing!

[Naristar]

Open door find cake shaped like a pumpkin

[That Didn't Stop]

>Welp. Seems like your operation is legit. . . Too Legit. . . I guess there's nothing else stopping you from Hacking the Pentagon! Dial up your old Pentium II and 56k Modem! Let's Do this Thing!



You do not have a Pentium II, or a 56k modem.

Or any hacking experience.

Or a deathwish.

>Open door find cake shaped like a pumpkin



You suspect that you may either be going insane with guilt, or succumbing to unfathomable complexity. Both fall under the category of "Occupational Hazards."

Succumbing to complexity can get you a paid vacation, if you play your cards right.

Succumbing to guilt will get you fired.

[Curris]

Talk to TI about the cryptic thing. Sure, it's not work related, but that's why they'll never expect you to do that first!

Besides, TI is allegedly a 'she' AND on the internet. . . Clearly, something is suspicious here. . .

[That Didn't Stop]

>Talk to TI about the cryptic thing. Sure, it's not work related, but that's why they'll never expect you to do that first!



Ugh, it looks like HA is harassing you ahead of schedule. You have a headache already, and are not in the mood to indulge his clumsy guilt-trips. With any luck, his tantrum will have run its course by the time you get around to answering him.

Show ConspIrelog:

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HermeticAluminium contacted InfraFrenetic at 11:19 am

HA: WELL WELL WELL
HA: THE TRUTH IS OUT
HA: IT CAN"T BE HIDDEN
HA: I DON"T KNOW HOW YOU DID IT
HA: BUT YOU MANAGED TO CONVINCE ME THAT YOU WERE MY FRIEND
HA: THAT YOU BELIEVED ME
HA: THAT YOU BELIEVED THE TRUTH THAT I SPOKE TO YOU
HA: BUT NOW YOU REVEAL YOUR TRUE FACE
HA: IT"S THE FACE OF A LIAR
HA: AND A F A L S E F R I E N D

Instead, you decide to see if TI is available. You hope she is.

Show ConspIrelog:

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IllusoryFarewell contacted ThetanicImmortal at 11:20 am

IF: hey
IF: got a minute?
TI: I do
TI: and I will gladly give it to you
:)
IF: ok thanks
IF: its about something you said yesterday
i was talking to you about wendy for some reason
and you said some something about like
my soul and stuff
and it needing to fly or something like that
and i kinda tuned you out b/c you were sounding crazy again
but now i kinda wish i could remember what it was you said
TI: oh, I’m sure I don’t remember
TI: but you can check the conspIrelog if you want to get an exact quote
IF: right
IF: soooo
IF: i guess thats it then
IF: ...
TI: what made you want to remember so badly?
TI: you’re typing very hastily
IF: ugh
IF: no
IF: no way
TI: ?
IF: this isnt going to turn into another freakin therapy session
IF: so forget it
IF: im here to talk about aliens
IF: so lets talk about aliens
TI: of course I'd love to talk more about the Eteo'ori
TI: and nobody is trying to psychoanalyze you
TI: I don't believe in that sort of thing, remember?
IF: i remember. sorry.
IF: its just that i feel more sane after I talk to you
IF: even though most of what you say is completely crazy
TI: thank you?
IF: youre welcome
TI: so, what is troubling you this time?
TI: *she asks in the most non-psychoanalytical tone possible
IF: do you ever get tired of all this?
TI: all this whining?
TI: but of course ;)
IF: haha
IF: i mean all this alien stuff and like
IF: devoting your life to this mystery world that most people will never understand
TI: people's incredulity can be frustrating at times
TI: but I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world
TI: or any other
IF: yeah its different for you i guess
IF: youve never had to hide what you were trying to do
IF: the first time we spoke, you told me that you talked to incorporeal aliens on a regular basis, and that they wanted mankind to collaborate on building a massive, self-sustaining spaceship before the world ends in 2012
IF: but me
IF: i can't just tell people what I know
IF: i mean, homeland security would freak out if they even knew i was talking to you
IF: they'd assume that you were a spy, trying to prepare the earth for invasion
IF: so i lie
TI: but you lie to your superiors so that you can continue to supply truth to people like me
TI: that's the most noble kind of lie there is!
IF: yeah its pretty noble alright
IF: but the thing is
IF: i lie even when i dont have to
IF: sometimes i even lie to my friends
TI: I know.
IF: and i end up feeling like crap about it
IF: wait, what?
TI: you lie to me all the time.
IF: wow
IF: busted
IF: then why do you keep listening to me?
TI: because we're friends.
TI: besides, i have corroborated a lot of the information you've provided with other sources
TI: even with your wierd habit of pointless deceit, you're still my most valuable informant
IF: well thats good news
IF: thanks for listening
IF: im gonna msg you later
IF: gotta report to my boss pretty soon
IF: bye
TI: bye

IllusoryFarewell broke contact with ThetanicImmortal

==>



She's corroborated your stories?

This is not good.

[Naristar]

prove your worth to the angry red text guy