EQUIQUEST: 2010: CON YA DIGGIT? (were still here, we apologize)

[John E]

What the hell isspongebob doing in this?!?!?!?!?!

[Weather Report]

What the hell isspongebob doing in this?!?!?!?!?!

Do you even KNOW what Terezi was DOING to him? The fact that you don't wonder why she was even under the sea tells me you aren't ready.

Would you believe me if I said this time we planned the overt sexual humor weeks in advance? I forgot to put these panels up earlier, so I couldn't wait to throw 'em on up and get reactions. Well, here you go.

Heh heh.



No. Get that in-joke out of there right this instant!

RULE ONE OF KANAYAKOMEDY: DO NOT SQUANDER YOUR IN-JOKES. ESPECIALLY NOT THOSE WITH VERY LITTLE STAYING POWER.

We have collectively dropped one rung on the KANAYAKOMEDYCHELADDER, whatever that means. Exploiting another in-joke has dropped us another half-rung.

OrangeAipom berates you for it.

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So in other words, you, Kanaya Maryam, are a character whose shipping possibilities are endless! but leaning toward lesbian, or purple.

Alright, this whole shebang got real uncomfortable real fast.

Everybody involved pulls away slowly. John is none the wiser.

Something terrible happen.



Oh no!!!!

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VRISKA: Hey John. I got somethin' IMPORTANT to tell you.

This is very bad!



Um yeah that's a boobgrab.

[Destruction Dragon 360]

Vriska: Continue to Grope.
Kanaya: Continue to Enjoy it.

[Naristar]

Oh dear, why is it going wrong in all the ways!!
Please CAL show up!

[Kaynato]

Right way the wrong way.

[OrangeAipom]

PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS

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this is a suggestion

[Weather Report]

> Vriska: Go in for the kill.

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KANAYA: Aaah!
VRISKA: There's something I have to tell you.
KANAYA: I'm Kanaya! Vriska That's My Boob
VRISKA: What?
KANAYA: That's my boob!

> Vriska: Continue to grope.



> Kanaya: Continue to enjoy it.



You fail! You fail in all the ways even though it is kind of exciing!

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KANAYA: Vriska!!
VRISKA: Oh well. I didn't want to worry John with this anyways.
JOHN: i'm right over here! you guys are really funny! but seriously, you should let her go.
JOHN: she's not happy.
VRISKA: Great! Also I need Aradia and Tavros for this.

> VRISKA: Assemble!

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ARADIA: euuugh
TAVROS: oH GEEZ DON'T DO THAT,
VRISKA: I blame everyone else for that, so there!
VRISKA: Now listen closely. I have a sekret plan to take down Andrew Huss. And I'm only gonna tell you guys about it.
KANAYA: For God's Sake Woman They're Both Crying
VRISKA: Okay, gosh! Whatever happened to the free love thing?
KANAYA: The Sixties Are Still Dead. That Never Stopped Being A Thing.
ROSE: Vriska, you're hurting them. Stop it.
TAVROS AND ARADIA: wAaAaAaAaAaAh,

> Vriska: Try to stop.



> Vriska: Are you really trying?

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VRISKA: It's stuck.
TAVROS AND ARADIA: wAaAaAaAaAaAh,

> Vriska: Screw it, the plan, THE PLAN!

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VRISKA: So anyways. My plan.
VRISKA: For getting Andrew.
VRISKA: And to get.
VRISKA: Our friends back.
VRISKA: Iiiiiiiiis...
KANAYA: Land Sakes Alive Vriska This Is Straight Outta One Of Gamzee's Crappy Pervy Animes!
TAVROS: sO KANAYA, i GUESS THIS IS AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY,
TAVROS: i SEE YOU DON'T LIKE DICKS,
TAVROS: i DON'T LIKE THEM ALL,
TAVROS: bUT I'M SURE OUT THERE YOU MAY FIND JUST THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU, BECAUSE SOMETIMES THEY ARE OKAY
KANAYA: Tavros For The Love Of God Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself And Take Our Rating Down With Us
ARADIA: you are really awkward!

But it was too late. Equiquest: 2010 has received an NC-17 rating from the NRAA, thus making sure nobody else will ever decide to read this story. Goodnight everybody! Our story is dead!

> PLEASE be Mr. Cal! Class this place up!



You are now Mr. Cal, the BELOVED TEACHER of what has to be the BEST CLASS EVER.

Just look at them. Such hard workers.

Enough about them. More about you! Much of your livelihood is steeped in the fabulous realm of TEACHING, and that is the way it has always been (though you had a brief stint as a VENTRILOQUIST with an ODDLY-REALISTIC HUMANOID PUPPET). BRO THE UNLIKELY used to be your business partner, and so was Jack of the Midnight Moving Crew; however, you broke ties with Mr. Vantas for the most part soon after meeting the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, Snaffy O'Manny. She convinced you that he was a child-endangering reckless loser - and hey, isn't she right? Poor Vantas boy. Forced to hang from the back of a truck every night. You've tried bringing him into SCHOOL COUNSELING but - crazy boy - he insists he does it of his own free will!

Oh, and Bro the Unlikely? You still keep in touch.

> Mr. Cal: Do something awesome.



You are! You are reading Feferi's INTERESTING PHONESTUFFS from OVER HER SHOULDER.

We wait five minutes for you to do something else. But you just...just won't.

no lets be LORD ENGLISH



no lets be...DOC SCRATCH

You are now DOC SCRATCH, current principal of Doc Holiday Middle School. But really, you would prefer to go by the name of DR. SCRATCH, if we would. All those years of schooling have to end up somewhere, right?

You adore many varieties of SPORTS, including but not limited to GOLF, POOL, and RECREATIONAL FISHING, if that even really counts as a sport. If sports are your pleasure, TEACHING is your pride and joy. It is only too bad that your current position as principal requires you not to teach, but to supervise teaching. Bad move, scratch doctor.

> [o] Exposit, please.



Oh please. Put that thing away. You are not at all deserving of it.

That aside, it has come to your attention that several students in your school's second class have recently gone missing, and you predict that several more will go as well.

Perhaps it cannot be stopped. But that doesn't mean you're not gonna damn well try.

In the meantime, some smaller-scale damage seems to have been done to your precious WALL. These graffiti-mongerers must be stopped.

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You suspect you're beginning to realize the importance of that one day, so long ago...or was it two days? Either way, you're gonna need to pay a visit to Mr. Governor later.

Wait, who the devil is that?

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You have no idea! When the devil did you hire this devil, and why would he teleport himself across a distance of approximately fourteen paces? Curious. Very, very curious.

You feel that your memory is gradually slipping away from you. Maybe you should use an AGENDA or perhaps some COLORFUL STICKY NOTES to keep your thoughts in order.

[OrangeAipom]

i lobe your doc scartch he is the mose handsome xscartchn

[Mibbs]

doctor scratch: examine doctorate

[Naristar]

Is it bad that I skipped over half that update?

lets be equis, someone mentioned noticeing that he doesn't act the same anymore.....

[Trish]

First of all, OOPS! We were kind of in a hurry as we were trying to cobble our update together, so we accidentally put in an extra paragraph at the end that was supposed to appear...later. Just removed it, but rest assured that same new character mentioned will appear very soon (i.e. tonight's update), and you will probably see that very same LOST PARAGRAPH in the foreseeable future.

Also Naristar, that's not bad. Not bad at all.

Can I go on the record for saying that all of those perverse acts were ideas from Weather Report? I think I can.

On a side note we will probably be Equius directly after we examine these nifty doctorates that the kind Doctor happens to have.

[Weather Report]

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I would like to make it incredibly clear that Trish was all for Kanaya's boob getting grabbed. I just told her, "then Vriska grabs her boob" and she said "Thats funny". So that makes it okay.

Special thanks to Lieutenant Fish's ever-popular story Trol Seasson or however it's spelled these days, and to OrangeAipom and Kaynato for giving me permission to use a cool GIF. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you guys. You are all my mother.

> Lord English: Investigate nearby class #2.



What are you talking about? First of all, you cannot be Lord English right now! Second, he is plainly in CLASS #1 currently! Also, he seems to be TEXTING somebody with great interest.

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lordEnglish [LE] began chatting with handMaid [HM].
LE: ARE YOU STUPID, BITCH?
HM: But I'm already here!!! What do you WANT me to do???
HM: FUCK!

> Dr. Scratch: Enter principal's office.



Ah! Gladly. You couldn't stay outside of this place for too long, after all; at present you've a visitor, and she simply cannot be left unattended for such great lengths of time.

This room has always been very pleasant; it brings back many memories of friendships and learning days long gone. That LEAFY POTTED PLANT over there was a lovely gift from the Lalonde child's MOTHER, LELACHE, and the WELCOME TO LEARNING MAT a present from PROFESSOR HONEYBEE. And the innumerable diplomas hanging from the wall? Priceless heirlooms from your own old professors. Boy, those were the days, weren't they?

> Dr. Scratch: Visit visitor.



That young lady over there? She goes by the nickname 'HANDMAID', and she is less of a gift than a FULL-TIME JOB. She was instructed by her master to wait for a new boss to pick her up in a few days. Nobody told her to just loiter outside of class until three-thirty, however. She's in class 3 for goodness sake. But you're gonna let that slide for now. She's looking a bit feisty, and if you mess with her the Governor will be quite thoroughly pissed.

She'd use her TIME MAJYKKS to speed ahead a little, skip the long and tedious wait, but she has been specifically instructed not to make a scene. Poor girl. It's gonna be a long seven hours.

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She hungers. She barks at you, asking when you're ever gonna feed her a damn fuckin' salami sandwich like she fucking asked you to ya fuckin' cuntdickjerkoff motherfuck. You tell her to calm down, the delivery is coming you assure her, and do not use profanity in this office young lady. The kids can hear her. Handmaid glares at you. She says she would prefer not to be called 'young la-dy' thank you very motherfuckin' much motherfucker. You start to say her real name in retaliation, but she hisses scornfully before you can actually enunciate it.

Hurry up, Andrew.

> Dr. Scratch: Relay to us your plans.



Plans? Oh, no. They're nothing too special, you insist. You simply want to give Andrew a very stern talking to. You've read Homestuck, as a matter of fact - all of it - and you have to say, the project has always been suspicious to you, for many obvious (and many new and surprising) reasons.

If he doesn't come in here soon and get this girl you may well visit the governor's mansion yourself. Or would he be at the MOTEL SUPER 8?

Curious.

> Dr. Scratch: Examine doctorate.



Ah, yes, you have several! Maybe having a look at one of these babies will calm Handmaid down a...

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OH NOOOOOO

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It seems the Handmaid of class 3 has mysteriously left as well, and just as you were in mid-cry too. Hm. This is getting curiouser by the second.

Or maybe you are just very bad at enforcing school rules.

> Dr. Scratch: Weep into the sunset.



WOAH LOOK OUT WILD CHARACTER SELECT SCREEN

Wow, looks like this time we just have the trolls. Okay, let's choose wisely here, guys. We haven't been Equius in forever, and Nepeta just got into a steamy fight, but personally I think we might get some good action on Dead Sollux's front. Then again, TROLL VRISKA here is today's wild card.

> Vriska and Doc Scratch: Explain everything.



Explain what? There's nothing to explain! You're just fixing up this robot, as previously stated in order to send to a friend who will love it and want to be BFFsies 4ever with you! Nothing complicated there!

Oh geez it's this meddling guy and all his meddlesome meddlingness. What's his deal, meddling with people? Does he need his MEDS or something? That was a play on words there.

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Miss Serket, what do you think you are doing?
AG: Uuuuuuuugh!
AG: What're you doing here????????
I have decided to ring you up one final time on account of this machine you are making, tied to another troubling development, which is part of a tremendous string of disconcerting happenings.
If you catch my drift, that is.
But first let's talk about the baffling stupidity of that contraption just behind you.
AG: Look, I am R8AL 8usy right now, and I've got no time to waste highlighting your 8S........
AG: 8ecause it's really dum8 how you type in WHITE........

AG: The fuck........?
Oh, I rather like that little animation.
I think I'll use it more often.
AG: Fine. What do you want? The other eye so you can make it a set?
AG: You can have the other arm. Ro8o-arms are MUCH more useful ::::P
No, but thank you for your generosity. I will consider it in the future.
I've went through the bother of wasting a minute portion of my unlimited omnipotence to demand that you cease work on your android immediately.
AG: No. Why should/would I?
Because, it was never supposed to be built.
AG: 8est reason for anything I've heard all night.

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You don't seem to grasp this concept well enough.
I mean that throughout all the various split timelines and universes that exist, I already know what has happened to you, what is happening to you, and what will happen to you.
You were scheduled to be begging for a space on the team led by your anonymously-blooded friend at about this point in time, or have your death orchestrated at the hands of an angry clown.
And yet, I have never seen anything this... retarded.
AG: So much for omnipotence. More like, semipotency? XXXXD
Stop laughing at me for reasons that don't even really exist.
AG: If you were paying attention, I was just speaking to Equius about this.
Oh my. I hadn't noticed that. Let me go read that.
Alright, I'm back.
AG: You posted immediately, dur.
AG: All I know is that he's been acting oddly lately.
In what way? I know all about the boy but I'd like to hear you explain it to me.
AG: Sure, whatever. He's... got more emotion now? It's like he's spontaneously sprouted a sense of humor. He was trying to sass me all over the place!
I see.
AG: Then why ask, idiot?
I'll have you know I am the smartest creature in all existance.
AG: I bet you got the best grades in your class.
I see what you did there, what with me never having been to a class before 8^y
But, as stated, there are many things I suddenly cannot fathom anymore. Thus I asked for your perspective instead of guessing from your past, present and future actions.
AG: Wait, you could always do that? And now you're forgetting things you knew before? Weird, actually.
Like some sort of void clouding my mind.
AG: Or dementia.
Very crass, yet close enough.
It's disturbing to see these... dark pockets of Paradox Space, as you will call it, open and close at escalating rates, similar to a beached space monstrocity I know.
For your own minute good I will expouse a smidge of information with you.
You were meant to be killed by your blue-blooded friend's creation inhabited by the young troll woman you killed.
And then once again by your teal-blooded rival at the behest of your Subjuggalator ally.
AG: Yawn.
But now I have every reason to predict you will die at the hands of that abomination behind you.
AG: Che, yeah right!
AG: This is a work of art right here! Do you not see it with your vision "omni"fold?
Oh please. You haven't even removed that pot full of soil from her bosom.
AG: Please tell me you aren't talking about dirty bosoms.
Either way, this particular pocket still hasn't filled itself in with information yet, so I'm only making assumptions at this point.
Just a wild, likely invalid prediction.
But it shall definetly bring mass destruction upon your party, one way or another.
The unpredictability of just how it will happen makes it that much more fun to sling these wild theories about, doesn't it?
AG: Whatever. I think we're done here, now that you've resorted to wild m8ss guessing.
Quite. Also, if I were to make a suggestion, give that bitch a mace.
I love maces.
AG: NOW you start making sense!

[Destruction Dragon 360]

Vriska: Give that 8itch a m8ss m8ce.

[siguard]

Troll!Vriska> give the bitch a mace. also take some of the protruding junk out of it. the best android evar cant be lopsided now can it?

[Weather Report]

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I hope that nobody's disconcerted by the fact that we're about to do some plot developing in the coming days. Luckily, it is a very idiotic plot, so it'll slide by easy. Seriously, our story is terrible, but hey, that's why it's so good.

Also does anybody remember that we have buttons on the first post? They're getting cold and dusty... I just wanna see someone use Jade... I'm lonely and insecure so do it or I'll die or something...

> Vriska: Get that bitch a mace. Also consider taking that crap out of her body?





You were already on it! You'll get to that once you lug this thing up all these stairs. It's really heavy.

Aw, nuts. This chick's gonna be pulling that thing up like five million steps. It's probably a good time to be someone else, like the hero of OUR story.

Yeah I'm sure you thought she was the main character of Homestuck. It's okay. You're just wrong.

[S] > Equius: Examine land.

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Hey, let's go talk to those guys.

[Kaynato]

Talk to these guys.

[John E]

talk to dem peoples (still drugged up)

[Naristar]

build up your hive!!

[Weather Report]

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Before everyone says something, yes, the chameleons are living the lives of Gurren Lagann people, Equius is a No More Hero and the Three Stooges movie comes out stateside on 4/13.

Which of the kids do you think was based on each stooge, including Shemp? Me, I think Dave would be Shemp, because he's got that whole hero's dilemma going on, John would be Curly since he's the funniest and everyone loves him, Moe would be Jade because he's not afraid to knock some heads to get what he needs done, and Rose is Larry because he is strongest with the least self-control.

Any other theories?

> Equius: Talk to these chameleons.

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> Equius: Show them your shoots.

[Destruction Dragon 360]

Uh... exactly what's going on in that last panel? It doesn't quite look like he's showin' them his shoots.

[Weather Report]

Uh... exactly what's going on in that last panel? It doesn't quite look like he's showin' them his shoots.

If you look reeeeeeeeeally closely at the start of the animation, there are arrows he's shooting into the ceiling. If there are complaints, lodge them with Trish. This is why I can't ask anybody to do anything (no not really that's not true)

[Mibbs]

look at the hole

[OrangeAipom]

Botsprite: Prototype hat with self.

[Weather Report]

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Botsprite: Prototype hat with self.

Okay, I wanna hold onto that one.

> Equius: Look up through hole.



Wow! Now THAT is NEAT.

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CHAMELEONELDER: okay I believe you have a small chance of surviving the caves
CHAMELEONELDER: I will put my trust in you
CHAMELEONS: hurrah
EQUIUS: Thank you sir Elder
CHAMELEONELDER: Shopkeep give this boy some adventure supplies

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EQUIUS: Pies
EQUIUS: Why are all my supplies pies
CHAMELEONELDER: you never know when you need a meal and people say that putting them in your mouth refills some vitality gel or whatever that gobbledygook means
CHAMELEONELDER: and also Chameleo took the one coil of rope we'd been saving up
EQUIUS: That makes sense I guess
CHAMELEONMOM: boy thank you so much for what you're doing
CHAMELEONMOM: you may be the hero of legend we had yearned so long for
EQUIUS: Is there a legend

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What is she...?



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH

[OrangeAipom]

dawwww consort-murdering botsprite


*Prototype self with hat.

whoops