fantroll crit thread: thread now full, please post in the new one

[canidaeVulpecula]

Pregame kids have no colour for anything but their symbol, so Id suggest colouring everything but that white and keeping that image for later. Also, may I ask how old she is?

[creatorGirl]

Hello~ I posted a fantroll on the last thread and I have redone her. So I'm posting her here and would love feed back thanks!



===>Be the polite troll

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You are now the polite troll. Your name is BRITTA SCUTUM and you are a 6 and a half sweeps old rustblood.

Due to an encounter with another troll when you were younger in which the said troll telling you their story on how their moirail was culled because they simply didn’t feel the same way about a highblood, causing you to over think the whole hemospectrum; and now you believe that you are SECOND to everyone else, no matter what their blood color. You also believe that this means you MUST cater to other trolls’ HAPPINESS and HEALTH before your own. And with your HOTHEAD MOIRAIL contently provoking highbloods, most trolls you meet wonder how you’re not dead yet.

Speaking of QUANDRENTS, you only have one filled, that being the pale one. It doesn’t help that your HIVE is in the middle of NOWHERE, so very few people visit you. Lately even visits from your moirail have been FEW AND FAR BETWEEN, but you just assume that he’s busy with his FLARP-ing. You could always go and visit your flush-crush, seeing as he doesn’t live too far away, but unfortunately his moirail, who is almost always there, harbors EXTREMLY BLACK FEELINGS for you and would break your legs if you came within 100 feet of the hive.

And because of those factors, you find that you’re ALONE A LOT. And so you have found a love for JIGSAW PUZZLES and CLASSICAL LITERATURE to help pass the time which is why you have piles of them all over your hive. Also because of this your sweet MUTT LUSUS will often bring you BOOKS and PUZZLE PIECES back from her exploring in the FORSET near your hive, though, you have NO IDEA how she finds them as you’re pretty sure NO ONE LIVES THERE. You also study a TON on how to be a GOOD HOSTESS and have an entire book case devoted to the subject.

You are not that skilled at HACKING and are not very STRONG, you also do not posses any PISONIC POWERS; you are, however, rather FAST and you use this and your BASIC SHIELD to help knock out attackers by charging into them at top speed.

Your trolltag is secondaryProtector and VVV you tend to talk Very quietly because your words aren’t Very important VVV

Other Info-

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Lusus: Two tailed mutt dog
Fetch Modus: Card Catalog- This modus ‘files’ each captchalogued item alphabetically, but to retrieve anything, one must think of a book that starts with the same letter.

Prospit Deamer

Title: Maid of Oath

Land: Land of Chains and Pollution

Thanks you!

[sovereignRobotics]

Pregame kids have no colour for anything but their symbol, so Id suggest colouring everything but that white and keeping that image for later. Also, may I ask how old she is?

Darn, I figured I might have done something wrong.
The colors will be fixed up in a jiffy.

I haven't quite decided on age, but I'm probably placing her around the 13 -16 area. Still in the process of deciding her exact age.

Thanks for all the help so far ^-^

[canidaeVulpecula]

For the sprite - and this is just me being nitpicky - the mouth seems just a tiny bit too far to the right. Id suggest moving it 3 or 4 pixels to the left and youre good to go.
For the character profile, I dont see any glaringly obvious flaws... She almost seems under powered! But hey as long as she can defend herself then everything looks good to me.

[creatorGirl]

For the sprite - and this is just me being nitpicky - the mouth seems just a tiny bit too far to the right. Id suggest moving it 3 or 4 pixels to the left and youre good to go.

Thank you. I'm new at spriteing.

For the character profile, I dont see any glaringly obvious flaws... She almost seems under powered! But hey as long as she can defend herself then everything looks good to me.

Well, she uses her shield to knock out opposite with the whole Mass x Acceleration = Force thing. Is that stupid?

[Thunder Reign]

Hello~ I posted a fantroll on the last thread and I have redone her. So I'm posting her here and would love feed back thanks!

I'm just gonna unquote this and put my annotations in bold text.



Her mouth is a bit too far to the right- scoot it back into the middle! The outline of her horns are very blocky. If you have a "zoom in" function on your drawing program, use it to scroll up and smoothen out those lines. Her symbol is also too far to the left, you need to center that. Apart from that I see nothing wrong, although the grey outlines on her dress are very dark indeed. Maybe lighten them up a bit so it doesn't look like a solid blob of black?

===>Be the polite troll

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You are now the polite troll. Your name is BRITTA SCUTUM and you are a 6 and a half sweeps old rustblood.

Due to an encounter with another troll when you were younger in which said troll told fixed up the grammar here a bit you their story about how their moirail was culled because they simply didn’t feel the same way about a highblood, causing you to over think the whole hemospectrum; you now believe that you are SECOND to everyone else, no matter what their blood color. You also believe that this means you MUST cater to other trolls’ HAPPINESS and HEALTH before your own. And with your HOTHEAD MOIRAIL contently provoking highbloods, most trolls you meet wonder how you’re not dead yet. Well, if she's training to be a hostess as a lowblood, that's actually a pretty good survival strategy! If she trains to be a maid that probably means people wouldn't attack her, and she might even get a job as a domestic servant in the Fleet instead of being condemned to the front lines.

Speaking of QUANDRENTS, quadrants you only have one filled, that being the pale one. It doesn’t help that your HIVE is in the middle of NOWHERE, so very few people visit you. Lately even visits from your moirail have been FEW AND FAR BETWEEN, but you just assume that he’s busy with his FLARP-ing. You could always go and visit your flush-crush, seeing as he doesn’t live too far away, but unfortunately his moirail, who is almost always there, harbors EXTREMLY BLACK FEELINGS for you and would break your legs if you came within 100 feet of the hive. Black feelings = romantic black feelings? If so, I doubt she'd get her legs broken by him, since that would guarantee she'd get culled and I don't think he'd want his kismesis dead straight off the bat.

And because of those factors, you find that you’re ALONE A LOT. And so you have found a love for JIGSAW PUZZLES and CLASSICAL LITERATURE to help pass the time which is why you have piles of them all over your hive. Also because of this your sweet MUTT LUSUS will often bring you BOOKS and PUZZLE PIECES back from her exploring in the FORSET forest near your hive, though, you have NO IDEA how she finds them as you’re pretty sure NO ONE LIVES THERE. You also study a TON on how to be a GOOD HOSTESS and have an entire book case devoted to the subject.

You are not that skilled at HACKING and are not very STRONG, you also do not possess any PISONIC POWERS; you are, however, rather FAST and you use this and your BASIC SHIELD to help knock out attackers by charging into them at top speed.

Your trolltag is secondaryProtector and VVV you tend to talk Very quietly because your words aren’t Very important VVV

Other Info-

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Lusus: Two tailed mutt dog
Fetch Modus: Card Catalog- This modus ‘files’ each captchalogued item alphabetically, but to retrieve anything, one must think of a book that starts with the same letter.

Prospit Deamer

Title: Maid of Oath

Land: Land of Chains and Pollution

Thanks you! You did a pretty good job! Congratulations.

[creatorGirl]

Black feelings = romantic black feelings? If so, I doubt she'd get her legs broken by him, since that would guarantee she'd get culled and I don't think he'd want his kismesis dead straight off the bat.

Hmmm. Their relationship is...complicated. He hates her (black feelings) to the point of where it'd need to be auspistice-d or else bad things would happen. Mean while she has doesn't really have any black feeling for him. More like mild annoyance. I tried to convey that, but I don't think I did a great job of it. :/ Or I'm interpreting troll romance the wrong way, which I hope I'm not. I also thought permanent paralysis would get them cull, not temporary. Am I wrong on this?

Also, thanks for the grammar corrections.

[BewareOfNerd]

Remember that blackrom can easily flipflop to redrom, especially in a young and hormonal teenager. If it couldn't realistically turn into love, it's platonic hate. I like to think of blackrom as a very passionate and intense rivalry, like Batman and the Joker. They hate each other, but they'd never kill each other, because the surviving partner would miss their rivalry.

[sovereignRobotics]

Alright, I've made an effort for a nice profile for Miss Isla.

==> Be the vampire queen
As much as I simpl y ADORE vampi res and queen s, and being calle d as such is a compl iment of the simpl y highe st calib er, I would prefe r you use somet hing close r to the truth than the ‘vampi re queen’ state ment. Not to menti on that my ‘vampi ric teeth are just over sized mandi bles, rathe r than the sharp teeth vampi res are well known for.
==> Fine. Be the creep with blue glasses
Not all that much bette r, since you have just insul ted me.
==> Alright then, be the girl I wish I was.
That is bette r in so, so many ways. Of cours e, I will becom e the girl you so dearl y wish you were.



Your name is BELLA SWAN. Or so you tell everyone you meet. In actual reality you are ISLA CARBONA, a 16 year old girl who has an extreme love of VAMPIRES.

Ever since you were young, you found vampires to be the SPARKLIEST things to ever exist. They just fascinated you so much. You even saved money just to buy a vampire shirt. And, judging by your POOR FAMILY, that took some doing.

Not that you really needed to go through with the issue of SAVING MONEY. Rather, you could have just STOLEN the prized shirt when it came out for sale. You are a PROFESSIONAL THIEF, or so you claim. Nearly everything you wear, bar that brilliant VAMPIRE SHIRT, was stolen from a shop without the owners realizing the items had vanished. You are just so BRILLIANT at stealing things.
Your guardian, COUSIN, never even notices that you are hoarding PRICELESS ITEMS. In fact, COUSIN was the one who first taught you the sacred art of ROBBERY. Your cousin is so awesome; you love her for teaching you the fine skill.

To keep yourself HEALTHY – something you must do in order to keep STEALING precious items - you steal food from the best shops in town. And you choose from such a variety of DELICIOUS FOODS that you consider yourself a MASTER of MEMORY. You can remember every food you’ve stolen, how it tasted, how much it would cost, even what was in it. Such memories are USELESS to a PROFESSIONAL THIEF, but you enjoy reveling in your spoils time and time again in memory.

Your job as a thief commands you to adopt a variety of PERSONALITIES in order to escape suspicion. Your all time favorite PERSONALITY is that of the innocent lost child, who is deemed so INNOCENT that she could never be suspected of stealing ANYTHING. Since you use this PERSONALITY so much, it has become second nature to turn on HEART-WRENCHING TEARS to distract shop owners and the general public.

Your INTERESTS are many. The main ones you notice often are your interests in SUCCESS, VAMPIRES, ROBBERY and BEING ALONE. COUSIN believes the latter is a result of you being an ANTI-SOCIAL CREEP. You refuse to be thought of as such. You instead say that BEING ALONE means you sever any and all EMOTIONAL TIES that could interfere with your job as a professional robber. Not to mention you simply can’t stand being in the company of anyone other than COUSIN, and even then you get annoyed at her.

Your STRIFE SPECIBUS is ballKind, and your FETCH MODUS is STEAL.
On a stolen Pesterchum client, you are stolenTreasure and you tend to seper ate words longe r than five letter s, and commo nly use long words to inten tiona lly explo it your typin g quirk

If you were ever to play/steal the game SBURB, you would be the SEER of BLOOD in the LAND of GOLD and PIRATES.

More Info-

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Name: Isla
Age: 16
Gender:Female
Title: Seer of Blood
World: Land of Gold and Pirates (LoGaP)
Derse Dreamer
Strife Specibus: ballKind
Fetch Modus: Steal. RPG-Based Modus. You have to navigate through several rooms (the number varies depending on how many filled captcha cards you have) and find the item you want. Once you have the item, you must escape with it, without getting captured. If you get out, the item pops from your sylladex. If not, you have to do it again.

[Monkeysky]

The face is way too light, I can barely see it in the sprite.

[Sandvich King]

Yeah, the mouth needs to be colored black to look right. Even though the eyes are under the glasses, they should be a lot darker too.

[scintillatingMoniker]

Pregame kids have no colour for anything but their symbol, so Id suggest colouring everything but that white and keeping that image for later. Also, may I ask how old she is?

um actually rose's hairband thing was pink, and jade had her things on her fingers

generally it should be MOSTLY white but I think that the amount of color on that sprite is fine

that said she has oddly sharp teeth for a human

[BenevolentDemon]

um actually rose's hairband thing was pink, and jade had her things on her fingers

generally it should be MOSTLY white but I think that the amount of color on that sprite is fine

that said she has oddly sharp teeth for a human

doesn't look pink to me? and you couldn't see jade's fingers on her sprite.

that being said, yeah, you should probably edit the sprite so she doesn't have fangs...? the whole sprite looks sort of cobbled together from preexisting sprite assets to me, and it's generally preferable to edit the base at least a bit. but hey, if you're happy with how it looks, then that's fine.

[ashdenej]

um actually rose's hairband thing was pink, and jade had her things on her fingers

It's possible you're thinking of her winter outfit, the band her dreamself has, or maybe her hubtop band.

Her original sprite remains cheerfully black and white! As does Jade's. No colourful rings visible.

[canidaeVulpecula]

@sovereignRobotics, the things mentioned above and also kids dont have typing quirks. Maybe she could occasionally seem to press the space bar a little too early and 'kind atype lik ethis sometimes', but only spacing them when theyre more then 5 letters seems a little elaborate for a kid quirk

[sovereignRobotics]

Alrighty, thanks for all the help.
Edited her sprite again, though having her mouth black bugs me a little. But meh, Medium entry = explosion of blue.
I guess I'll keep the 'space five lette r' thing for a troll I'm working on. No point letting the idea go to waste
Anyways, here's the edited sprite.

Comments appreciated.

[creatorGirl]

Could I get a sprite critic? Thank you~

[BewareOfNerd]

The mouth is a bit too far to the right.

[Monkeysky]

The symbol is a bit hard to figure out.
I assume that it's a quill, but why is there an arrow at the end?

Also, the outlines on the hair are sort of weird.

[creatorGirl]

The symbol is a bit hard to figure out.
I assume that it's a quill, but why is there an arrow at the end?

Yeah, it's a quill. It has an arrow on the end because quills come to a point and wasn't sure how to render that. :/

Also, the outlines on the hair are sort of weird.

Yeah, I'll go back and fix them.

Thank you~

[creatorGirl]

Fixed it. Does it look better?

[BewareOfNerd]

Looks fine.
Protip: Doubleposting is frowned upon, so next time, edit your post instead of making a new one. Not a huge deal, though.

[creatorGirl]

Looks fine.
Protip: Doubleposting is frowned upon, so next time, edit your post instead of making a new one. Not a huge deal, though.

Okay, I'll remember that. Thank you~

[Voidwolf]

Okay so I'd like to get my first fantroll sprite and personality critiqued please.

Sprite:

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-Something about those eyes feels off to me. Could be just me though, not sure.
-Is there is anything I could do to the body to make the clothes a little more unique?
-I tried to tidy up the top of the hair, not sure if I was successful or not.

The form:

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> Be... Oh my... The hair, it’s out of control!

Perhaps it would be best to...

> Be the Auspistice

[Uninterested] Yeah, yeah, let’s move this along.

Your name is ELANUS LAETUS, and everyone you know uses you as their Auspistice.
It’s hard having so many ashen relationships, it’s hard and no one else cares.

What should be mentioned straight off is that you have innate urges to help other Trolls with their relationship troubles; you really, really hate them at times. But you just cannot help it when they come to you with them. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately (you don’t have anything to give in this regard) people only ever contact you for Auspistising. They seem to believe it’s your only purpose on Alternia.
Perhaps this is because of your Jade blood. But really, you’ve given up caring about the reasons.

The Ashen quadrant is the only quadrant in which you have no shortage of relationships, in fact every troll in your wide circle of acquaintances is in that quadrant and you Auspistise for them all. That is with the exception of your Moirail who you gained by chance, from a former Ashen relationship. Your Moirail is perhaps the best and worst Moirail you could ask for; in return for you helping her keep a distant and aloof exterior by being the outlet for all of her frowned upon activities, she makes sure you maintain your manifold Ashen quadrants, and at times your sanity, forcibly if necessary.

If your many acquaintances took a moment to stop and think about you they might realise your quite excellent people skills are quite surprising considering where you live. However they don’t. You’re a Jade blood; your only purpose is to help them manage their relationships.
You live quite deep inside a primeval forest full of trees larger than hives. Your hive is situated in the crown of a particularly large tree the huge branches easily support your moderately sized hive, the main section of which just pokes above the crown of the tree where huge bay windows allow the deadly Alternian sunlight, well deadly to none Jade bloods, to stream into your hive.
You live here partially because you like it, partially because it’s remote and partially because your ferocious Talon-Beast Lusus demanded a nice wooded area to live and hunt in.
You care about Kitemom really, even if she does take up a third of your hive with her open air nest and even if she does make a lot of noise when hunting down whatever she hunts. You don’t like to ask as it must be something big considering she is quite a bit bigger than you. The upside of her size is that when harnassed up she is more than capable of carrying you around the forest, though she prefers the harness to be on her underside to prevent your limbs getting in the way of her powerful wings, and possibly coming off.

As you have previously mentioned, while moaning about your multitudinous Ashen Relationships, you are a Jade blooded troll and as such you understand perfectly where you are in the Hemospectrum. You neither hate it nor love it and you certainly don’t resist it. You have long known, your Lusus didn’t waste time explaining to you, that as a Jade blood you are fated to return to the Brooding Caverns when you come of age to serve the Mother Grub.
Because you will likely never return to the surface world once this happens your Lusus has done everything to make sure you don’t have any Kismesis or Matesprit who isn’t a Jade Blood. She’s been very successful in enforcing that parental edict.
The only problem is you don’t actually know any other Jade bloods so you will have to wait until you head underground and hope that you meet at least two others down there.

You don’t really have any desire to stay on that dreary topic so you’ll move onto your interests and hobbies. Others would say that the finer arts of Romance is a serious hobby for you, this was the case unfortunately your innumerable Ashen quadrants have drained you of interest in that field.
You have an interest in reading both factual and fictional books. Usually historical documents or long tales of several genres and you have plenty to read from in your modest library. It was this in particular that lead you to discover several documents which belonged to your ancestor, all of them particularly fascinating works.
Another interest of yours, perhaps stemming from your choice of literature, is computer gaming. You prefer games which involve strategic planning, somewhat unusual among lower blooded and younger trolls who prefer more bloody games. You believe your interest in computer games led to your periodic roleplaying occasions. But it has so far, thankfully, led to a desire to Flarp.
Your last interest is flying with your Lusus over the forest, especially during the day.
You have to admit you are often quite introverted.

You don’t like other trolls to find out but you can frequently be caught wearing “fashionable” and colourful clothing. But only because your Moirail insists on sending you parcel after parcel and then pestering you into wearing them. You only do it for the peace.

As far as your talents go you don’t really want to talk about them. What you are most talented in just happens to be what you hate doing the most.
You guessed it. Auspistising.
You can reliably say that your Moirail is your only motivation. She constantly bugs you to keep you motivated. You doubt she ever sleeps because she’s even pestering you during the day, the only time you are ever awake these days.

As much you go on about your Moirail though she has helped you out with her considerable wealth and power to help you out with your pain of a modus. You regret getting the Auspistice Modus which was given to you by your Lusus. You can only presume she thought it would help you manage your Ashen relationships. This modus only allows you captchalogue or withdraw items that allow you to maintain one of your Ashen relationships, it also prevents you from captchaloguing or withdrawing items that either interfere with an Ashen relationship or might cause a Matespritship or a Kismesitude with another Troll. This also prevents the use of almost all Strifekind.
Your Moirail sent you a costly, but effective, Automated Sentry Gun which apparently does not affect your relationships. Sometimes she really does pull through for you.

Your Trolltag is wearyAuspistice and you [Weary] State your current mood when you speak.

If you ever played that abomination of reality, SGrub, you would be the Seer of Souls in the Land of Trees and Ash.

TL;DR:

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Name: Elanus Laetus
Gender: Female
Trolltag: wearyAuspistice
Blood-colour: Jade (~009966)
Lusus: Large Talon-Beast (Kite)
Quirk: States emotions and feelings as they change
Age: ~7-8 sweeps
Fetch Modus: Auspistice Modus
Strife specibus: Sentrykind

[Monkeysky]

Wouldn't Seer of Soul just be Seer of Heart?