fantroll crit thread: thread now full, please post in the new one

[Captain Whosit]

Some responses to parts of the critique:

Okay. I'm afraid the hissing and at least some of the 'typical' snake traits are staying. I get it. You and others are probably fed up with snake trolls and how they're apparently 'overdone' but seeing as how I just joined today I really didn't know there were many. .-. Sorry.

Title: Seer of Mind Same as Terezi. Not sure if it's a coincidence, but it sticks out to me.
^Didn't know what else to put; borrowed from Terezi for the time being. I never really got the title stuff. Suggestions?

I guess I'd suggest thinking about what would make sense for your character if this title doesn't actually fit? I was just saying that when I see the same title combinations as canon characters it jumps out at me, though I'm aware there's only so many combinations.

Land: Land of Silence and Darkness (LOSAD) I'm not even sure what to say here.
^If this is THAT bad then what would you suggest?
I didn't really know what to put for the land. Again that would fall into the category of things I don't understand much.

Maybe you didn't do this on purpose? But you have Silence and Darkness and LOSAD, all of which basically have that kind of emo-sounding quality that I see in certain sue characters. Basically "I'm so tragic, please feel sorry for me!" If you didn't do that on purpose... well, I don't know. And I don't really have any suggestions for this because it's something you're best able to come up with.

Strife Specibus: Crushkind. Squeeze the life from your victims. Uh, "crush" is not an object. You can't use a crush to kill someone. Sorry, that's nice hot strife specibi work. Dave has "bladekind" not "cutkind."
^Will fix; didn't realize it had to be an object.

Dismiss many what? Personalities? That doesn't make any sense.
^Dismiss other trolls, as in not bother with them.

Why does it go without saying? I didn't know snakes and the number four are related.
^It goes without say that she likes snakes. I wasn't referring to the number 4 part at that point.

I do have a reasoning for the number 4....I need to edit that in when I find a way to explain it..
I'll fix personality and abilities/faults/everything soon hopefully.

What I was trying to point out was that the sentence didn't make any sense because of where it was in the profile. It'd be like saying "Johnny has two arms, so it goes without saying that his favorite color is red." You say that she's obsessed with the number four, then you say "it goes without saying that she like snakes." When you say "it goes without saying," that's usually related to whatever you said before because there is always a reason that it goes without saying.

@Mitsuotries:

If you're making your fantroll super nice on purpose, you really need to be careful with it, and you need to make sure that the consequences of her nature are shown. Tavros was a nice guy, and he got crippled for his troubles. Trolls are likely to take advantage of a nice guy, assuming they don't murder them for amusement. Your character is probably not likely to have led a life without adversity. And if she has a mean streak, that should show as well.

Also, huge pet peeve of mine, but don't do "8.8 sweeps." Do real people say they're whatever.8 years old? I haven't met one. I know you're trying to line her sweeps up with a human age of years, but just round to the closest half sweep. It would make a lot more sense from the troll's perspective.

@This guy:

Critique in red.

So, may I have critique on this guy?

>Be the fight-obsessed troll.

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Your name is ARESIA MARION, you LOVE TO FIGHT, and you are EXCELLENT at doing just that.

You've spent most of your 9 sweep life FIGHTING, FLARPING, and making your self BETTER AT DOING BOTH. You have a BIT OF A REPUTATION, so some know to stay clear of you. Should be a comma here. Even during FLARP, in which you are a BOY SKYLARK known as CHAMPION CENTURIO, possibly the best mid-level Boy Skylark ever. Couple things here. The Boy Skylark class didn't really sound like it was combat-oriented. Tavros liked it for such reasons, but I don't see why Aresia would be attracted to it. Secondly, and I feel really weird saying this, but why wouldn't he have maxed out his levels by now? Vriska maxed out her class at 6 sweeps of age. But really, you know that fighting is SO MUCH MORE than that. Much more than what? Having a reputation? This sentence doesn't clearly connect to anything else. This should also be a comma, not a period. Which is why you study as many WAR and FIGHTING movies, books, and documentaries as you can to learn the FINER ASPECTS, like strategy, health and etc.. This sentence is a fragment: See previous comment. And this is all done WITHOUT reliance on your PSYCHIC POWER. Needless to say, your training made you strong and fast. You also like to RIDE your CHEETAH lusus, that you named HONOR. It's very supportive of you, and teaches you many things. You love your lusus. But above all, you REALLY LOOK FORWARD to the day you are finally DRAFTED INTO THE MILITARY. You hope you're NOT an ARCHERADICATOR. Anything but THAT. Still, most of the stuff you do normally is preparation for THAT DAY. These last few sentences are alright, though a few are pretty choppy. Content-wise, I'd really consider describing the power here. I was just left wondering "what power? Why aren't you telling me?" It was more frustrating than mysterious.

And when you're not doing that, you're looking for other trolls who are willing to fight you. Shouldn't start this with "and." Also, since it's a new paragraph, should probably replace "that" with the actual activity you're referring to. It helps you with your fighting obsession, and at the same time it gets you a few red suitors and a lot of black ones. Wouldn't this just contribute to the fighting obsession, rather than help it? Also, how does he get red suitors out of it? If it wasn't for the necessity of having one of each, you would've fought them off by now. You admit you don't really know how to act around others. Many have told you that your constant fighting obsession and seeming lack of empathy for others makes you a HUGE, PRIDEFUL JERK. But you resent that. Should probably remove "but." Then again, you also beat up the last guy who told you that. I'd leave off "then again" because that implies his reaction is opposed to his feelings of resentment. Even your lusus has voiced concern for you regarding that, so it may be trur. True. But you really don't wanna try to change, even though you're KINDA LONELY. The suitors don't count. You need friends. You need a moirail. Someone who can counteract your HUBRIS. (Long story short: You hate bluebloods. You fought one. He was both stronger AND cheated. You almost got killed. You hate them more now.) This sentence comes completely out of nowhere. How is it at all related to anything you said before? If it's the reason for his fighting obsession, you don't say so. You usually say "long story short" when you're summarizing what you just said. Here, you're using it to introduce completely new information.

You also have a LOT OF STRIFE SPECIBI, many of which are 1/2kind, due to constant fighting. You mainly use KNIFEKIND, MACEKIND, and SPEARKIND. Eh, I know that it's been shown that characters can have multiple strife specibi, but it seems like this guy has a ton more than any other character, and I'd shy away from that. These are the only ones that haven't been broken so far. Oh, and you've even forgotten about your PSYCHIC POWER about all that fight talk. Your power is to MANIPULATE THE BODY MOVEMENTS OF LIVING THINGS. But only on a SMALL LEVEL, like minor, unnoticeable direction changes or twitches. You mostly use it to subtly manipulate your opponent into missing an attack, or to enhance your own movement. I'm not sure what I think about this ability since it has a lot of potential for abuse. Used in a story setting, it'd probably work, but in free-form RP I'd worry about it as a potential "instant win" button if he ever got in a fight. His tendency to not use it may serve as a safeguard, though. This is just something you should probably keep in mind. You consider that cheating, so you don't like to use it unless your opponent is cheating as well. You don't like cheating. Most importantly, you don't always win, whether or not someone's cheating, but you've learned to not beat up the winner after losing just because of your wounds. It's good that he doesn't always win, but seriously, if he lost the fight what makes you think he'd be in any condition to beat up the winner?

Oh, and your pesterchum is combatTestament and you can be tactless about other INSIGNIFICANT trolls sometimes.

TL;DR

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Name: Aresia Marion
Gender: Male
Age: 9 sweeps
Blood: Orange-yellow (D5A700)
Lusus: Cheetah
Symbol: Whatever you call that X-shaped piece of wood with strings used to move puppets. I'd consider finding a symbol that's a bit more abstract than that.
Trolltag: combatTestament
Quirk: Lack of mid-punctuation, no caps except for insults which may or may not be intentional. This sounds very intentional to me. It also runs the risk of being a non-quirk if he doesn't use insults all the time. Even if he does, I worry he might get repetitive quickly.
Strife Specibi: Knifekind; Macekind; Spearkind
Interests: Fighting (duh); FLARPing; war and combat movies, books, documentaries, and etc.; Joining the military
Personality: Tactless; gung-ho; (comes off as) a prideful jerk
Abilities: Above-average strength and speed for a rustblood; subtle manipulation of bodily movements

Oh, and is it alright if I repost an already-critiqued troll for further criticism? Yes.

So, overall, this guy isn't a bad fantroll. I think he's pretty good. However, he's incredibly flat. I could sum up this entire profile by saying: Aresia Marion likes to fight a lot, and he's also kind of a jerk sometimes. That's pretty much the extent of his character. What does this guy do besides fight? He must have other hobbies and other interests. Take some time to think about this because this can shed a lot of light on your character's personality. Are all his hobbies related to fighting, or does he have one or two that no one would expect him to have? Does he have any secret passions? Is he really bad at something that he wants to be good at, or thinks that he's good at?

Speaking of that, what are some of his flaws? Being a huge jerk is a decent start. You say he doesn't win most of his battles, but he basically sounds like such an accomplished warrior that this doesn't count. Think about some other flaws that can give him character.

[Thunder Reign]

Whoopsie daisies, looks like it's time for a new thread!

[ashdenej]

New thread here, mm. But I see that TR has already edited a link in.