CUL-DE-STUCK (Text) - Kanker Intermission

[LordHyper]

Some exposition:

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Hello folks, here's another goddamn text adventure to clog up the air, since I'm bad at making sprites. The reason behind this madness? I was going around the fan-art thread and saw a Ed, Edd, n, Eddy themed picture, as well as someone mentioning Cul-De-Stuck. As far as I know, no one actually started an Ed, Edd, n Eddy adventure, so here it is. Inspirations for making this: the guy that mentioned it in the first place and Nintendo-Nut1, a person in deviant-art that makes Homestuck and Ed Edd n Eddy fan-art.

Cul-De-Stuck - "Smarter than a bus driver."
ACT 1 - Ballad of the No-Neck Chump

You are now a short fellow, and it just so happens that today is your FOURTEENTH BIRTHDAY. Though you were given birth fourteen years ago, it is only today that he shall - oh screw this bullshit. You have a name, and your name is EDDY. Last name? Hah! Last names are stupid. Don't be stupid.

So, yeah. Today is your BIRTHDAY. Oh, and you're also EDDY. Yeah, we established that. You have a fondness for MONEY and LARGE JAWBREAKERS, but, as of events of a few months ago, you're trying hard to let go of the money thing. You are good at making SCA- ahem, SCHE-, no wait, PLANS. Yeah, that doesn't sound sinister. You were a former CON-ARTIST, but you've been trying to turn yourself around for the sake of everyone around you. You're a bit of a JERK, but this is mainly because of your NARCISSISTIC nature, LOW SELF-ESTEEM, and having THE WORST BROTHER EVER.

You are currently in your room. You have only just gotten up to discover a PRESENT on your bed. It's probably a LAPTOP so you could play that game SOCK-HEAD found. You and most of the kids in the CUL-DE-SAC are going to play it together later.

Well, until then, what will you do?

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[llamamiah]

>Captchalogue something to show off your Fetch Modus.

>Unwrap the present to see what sweet loot you've got!

>Think about what things around your room would be good for allocating to your Strife Specibus.

[LordHyper]

>Captchalogue something to show off your Fetch Modus.

You pick up a SOCK off the floor. Man you are a lazy person. You take out... a STUPID BOOK sockhead gave you. Your FETCH MODUS is PRICE. Basically, you can only pull out the most expensive thing in your inventory. Say you're trying to pull out some gum, but you also have a gold watch and a cheap hat on you. You would first pull out the gold watch, then you have to pull out the cheap hat, which is probably more expensive than gum. Only then can you take out and enjoy your gum. Yes, it's a pretty stupid MODUS, but it made sense at the time. And that time is not now.

You throw the book. Why the hell were you sleeping with it anyway?

>Unwrap the present to see what sweet loot you've got!

As expected, it's a LAPTOP. Your MOM is rather predictable, just like you are. There's no surprises in this family due to the predictability.

>Think about what things around your room would be good for allocating to your Strife Specibus.

Your STRIFE SPECIBUS is YOYO-KIND. You can only equip YO-YOs as weapons, which sort of sucks, but your MOM won't let you have 'anything dangerous'. What a nag. You currently have your only yo-yo, the FRIEND'S YO-YO. Sockhead made it with hard metal and spikes so that your lame STRIFE SPECIBUS is significantly less useless than it already is.

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[apatheticSalesman]

> Turn on laptop

[animatedBlasphemy]

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This is the best idea anyone has ever had ever.

>Look for your copy of the game.

[Mister Man]

>Turn on laptop.

I take your >Turn on laptop and raise you a >Check MS Paint Adventures.

[animatedBlasphemy]

>Turn on laptop.

I take your >Turn on laptop and raise you a >Check MS Paint Adventures.

You mean that crappy webcomic that Ed always talks about? No thanks, too much time travel bullcrap for your taste.

[LordHyper]

> Turn on laptop

You turn on your laptop. After several minutes of setting things up, you get to the desktop. The laptop comes with the GREED Internet browser and also comes with the PEACHCHAT chat program.

>Look for your copy of the game.

Sockhead will be sending it soon, be patient.

I take your >Turn on laptop and raise you a >Check MS Paint Adventures.

You mean that crappy webcomic that Ed always talks about? No thanks, too much time travel bullcrap for your taste.

Oh right, that STUPID WEBCOMIC. You don't see the appeal to be honest. All this time-travel and trolls and Skaia crap is too much for you to handle. Despite this though, at least half of the Cul-De-Sac regularly reads it.

To celebrate getting your new laptop, you decide to crack another shot at reading HOMESTUCK and oh what's this. [S] CASCADE? Looking around to make sure no one's watching you, you watch it.

You then weep to the most beautiful flash animation you have seen in a long time.

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[llamamiah]

>Eddy: Stop yer weepin' an' message one o' yer friends! And don't forget to set up yer PeachChat account first!

[Jinjoman]

>Be the Sockhead for a little while.

[LordHyper]

>Eddy: Stop yer weepin' an' message one o' yer friends! And don't forget to set up yer PeachChat account first!

You already have a PeachChat account. You are the nefarious professorScam, and you replace all of your 's's with '$'s.

It seems that sockhead has been waiting for you:

~youngEinstein started chatting with professorScam - 10:24 AM ~

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YE: Salutations Eddy, and Happy Birthday.
YE: At this point, you would normally question me the whereabouts of your present.
YE: So, let me hear it.
PS: can it $ockhead.
YE: What's this? No accusation? No questions?
YE: Could this be a ruse?
PS: hah hah why do you have to be $o $arca$tic?
YE: Sorry, I can't resist the urge. While I can't get away with teasing in real life, I can get away with it on chat programs.
YE: If you would like to take it up with me, you would have to walk all the way to my house to beat me up.
YE: But of course, I am no longer there.
PS: $ockhead?
YE: Yes?
PS: $hut up.
PS: you already told me thi$ a long time ago
PS: why are you telling me again?
YE: Oh.
YE: Well, you would think that I'm crazy, but I feel as if an omniscient force is watching us.
PS: you're right, that'$ crazy.
PS: $o
PS: about that game we're playing
YE: Patience Eddy. We still need to get a copy of the game to Ed.
PS: can't you ju$t walk acro$$ the $treet and give it to him?
YE: No. For bizarre (of course everything Ed does is bizarre) reasons, Ed left his house to find a new one.
PS: what
PS: what'$ going through hi$ brain now?
YE: He believes that the game won't work if he plays it in the same house as Sarah, who of course is playing as well.
YE: He also believes that he'll be in a different house because he's already in a different house in the future.
PS: ...
PS: ...
YE: Yeah, I don't know either.
YE: This is Ed we're talking about here after all.
PS: right, $o, when are we playing?
YE: I'm waiting for confirmation from Jonny. I told him to track down Ed and give him a copy of the game.
YE: Until then, don't play the game yet, or you will die an early death.
PS: yeah, yeah, yeah.
PS: $top acting like my mom.
YE: I lack the weight to be your mother.
PS: wait, did you ju$t make a your mom joke?
~youngEinstein stopped chatting with professorScam

>Be the Sockhead for a little while.

You are now the SOCKHEAD. Your mother named you that because you were born with a sock on your he- oh stop kidding around, your name is EDDWARD, more commonly known as EDD or DOUBLE D.

You are a GENIUS and you tend to be a bit TALKATIVE. Combining both, you annoy people to no end. While you wouldn't want to annoy people to their faces, you have recently found it amusing to do it on purpose over the Internet. You have a problem with CLEANLINESS and you would clean up messes, regardless of who's mess it is. You also have a bit of a HAIR PROBLEM, which is why you wear a SOCK-HAT at all times.

What will you do?

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[Okasen]

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Oh lord, I saw a /co/ thread once where something like this was brought up. You are a wonderful person.

>Edd: Destroy all of your inventions and resolve to become a sockhat model.

[animatedBlasphemy]

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Oh lord, I saw a /co/ thread once where something like this was brought up. You are a wonderful person.

>Edd: Destroy all of your inventions and resolve to become a sockhat model.

I think I saw that too, and I really wanted to be the one to do it since... Holy crap this is an amazing concept. But maybe some other time.

>Be Johnny

[LordHyper]

>Edd: Destroy all of your inventions and resolve to become a sockhat model.

...

...

Mister omniscient force, ah yes, you'll go with that. Ahem.... PICK SOMETHING MORE REASONABLE!

>Be Johnny

You cannot be Johnny because the idiot somehow got his head stuck in a tree. AGAIN. Let's just wait for his head to inexplicably shrink before we could be him, okay?

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[Fuade]

>Be Plank

[cautiousCapricorn]

Plank: Be the equivalent to Lil Cal in this universe.

HA HA
HO HO
HE HE

[LordHyper]

>Be Pla-BKNIURDOCBFIWBYYHOSCRATCHRYFBSIYGFISOIHJBTIjU77777 77777666

...Huh? I could have sworn you asked something different. Let's try this again...

Plank: Be the nhuthewhnodhfdevilbatetjf- Sea Dweller Lowblood

It seems that something's tampering with the commands. Yup, nothing to be suspicious of.

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[llamamiah]

>Oh fer cryin' out loud! Just be the sockhead and explain how ya know 'bout dis game! An' what's it called, anyways!?

[hero122]

>Edd: attempt to obtain game, and somehow manage to have it roll out the window.

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OMG this was my favorite show growing up. THOSE SCHEMES. THAT HAT. THIS TOAST. Beautiful

[Bamoehn]

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THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME THING IN EXISTENCE WHY DID I NOT SEE IT SOONER

>Be Nazz

[LordHyper]

>Oh fer cryin' out loud! Just be the sockhead and explain how ya know 'bout dis game! An' what's it called, anyways!?

How come this particular voice has an accent? You decide to ignore this to recall how you got the game. A few months ago, you were mysteriously e-mailed. You assumed that this was a spam e-mail... until you discovered folders of data attached to it. This piqued your interest, so you began to fix up the data, putting it together to create a game. You're not sure who sent it, but perhaps it's an ARG like the one VALVE did involving POTATOES AND PORTAL 2.

You managed to finish everything up a few weeks ago, but decided to put off playing it until now to celebrate EDDY'S BIRTHDAY. As for the name, the text file suggested that you name the game yourself. Something to relate to the environment you're playing it in. At first, you considered SBURB and SGRUB, named after the game (you're pretty sure that this game doesn't relate with the one in the comic) from HOMESTUCK, but that would be unoriginal. So you simply decided to go with CUL-DE-STUCK.

It has occurred to you that you're terrible at naming things.

>Edd: attempt to obtain game, and somehow manage to have it roll out the window.

You already have it installed on your computer, and you're not stupid or strong enough to throw it out the window.

>Be Nazz

NAZZ IS TOO BUSY BEING NAZZ TO PLAY STUPID GAMES DON'T BE SILLY.

In actuality, she's too busy. Busy with what? Oh, I'm not telling you.

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[Jinjoman]

>Edd: Ask Loudmouth-err, Eddy, if he wants ta play Cul-De-Stuck.

[LordHyper]

>Edd: Ask Loudmouth-err, Eddy, if he wants ta play Cul-De-Stuck.

He already knows about the game, you're just waiting until Jonny gets Ed his copy of the game.

...Then again, Jonny sure is taking his time.

~youngEinstein started chatting with acorn=Tree - 10:30 AM~

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YE: AT?
YE: Jonny?
YE: Are you alright?
YE: Hello?
YE: ...
YE: I'm guessing that you're stuck in a tree somewhere, correct?
AT: that's right!
YE: Jonny!?
AT: no, sorry, this is jimmy!
YE: What are you doing on Jonny's computer?
AT: i was heading to his house to see if he took my bunny!
AT: have you seen my bunny around!
YE: Sorry, I haven't.
YE: But have you seen Jonny anywhere?
AT: yeah, he's stuck in a tree!
YE: Oh. Can you please try to help him? He needs to find Ed and give his copy of the game.
AT: Ed's not at his house!
YE: Yes. Don't ask why, I don't understand either.
AT: okay, i'll see if i can help!
AT: also, if you see my bunny, please tell me!

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You are now the wimpy boy, JIMMY. ...Yes, he's a boy.

You have a taste for all of the FINER THINGS IN LIFE. And by FINER THINGS IN LIFE, I mean GIRLY THINGS and CHILDISH MATTERS. You tend to be very weak; so weak that you don't bother to carry around a STRIFE SPECIBUS around since you can't wield most weapons. You have a fondness for TOYS and SARAH, your BEST FRIEND and POTENTIAL GIRLFRIEND.

...Ack! Did you call Sarah a POTENTIAL GIRLFRIEND? ...Nope. You're positive it never happened.

Most of the time, people think you're a PUSHOVER, but sometimes, you'll come up with the CUNNING to get back at them.

You are currently inside JONNY'S HOUSE, looking for your beloved MR. YUM YUM. Right now, you have undertaken QUEST: HELP JONNY. You'll try your best! So, what will you do?

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[Fuade]

>Allocate Jonny to Strife Specibus

[Bamoehn]

>Jimmy: Do this.

Then,
>Suddenly become Sarah