CUL-DE-STUCK (Text) - Kanker Intermission

[Ouroboros]

> Dig out your Nanna's ancient clockwork computer.

[LordHyper]

>Find computer

Computer? What is this computer you speak of?

...Aah, you mean those ELECTRONIC INTERACTIVE DOO-HICKEYS everyone else has? No, Rolf does not own one. Rolf is still trying to work this confounded TYPEWRITER, so let's take one step at a time, yes? All of those CONNECTY-MAJIGS confound you to no end! The KEYBOARD does not unlock locks, and the MOUSE does not scurry like a real mouse should!

And yes, even in narrations concerning Rolf, everything shall be third person. It is easier for him to remember, yes?

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[llamamiah]

>Future Edd: Send Rolf the file for the Typewriter port of Cul-De-Stuck.

[aattss]

>Rolf:Protect animals

[Shailsnic]

>Seek out Wilfred (That one pig) for advice on how to work the strange typewriter.

or alternatively

>Get annoyed with it and throw it out of the room and into a wall, making it useless.

[Kocel232]

Rolf: Wear typewriter as hat. Sing us the song of your people.

[Lazro]

>Typist: Write.

>Writer: Type.

>Com: Pute.

>Pute: Com.

Which pair makes the most sense?

[LordHyper]

>Future Edd: Send Rolf the file for the Typewriter port of Cul-De-Stuck.

Rolf suddenly hears a BEEPING NOISE from the computer, indicating that he has RECEIVED AN E-MAIL... wait... ROLF DID NOT SET UP AN E-MAIL ACCOUNT? WHAT IS THIS TOMFOOLERY!? RAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHH!!! THIS MAKES NO SENSE TO ROLF!

And so that's the story of how Rolf broke his computer screen.

>Rolf:Protect animals

Already accounted for. All there is left is to protect NAZZ-GIRL and JIMMY-CHEW TOY.

>Seek out Wilfred (That one pig) for advice on how to work the strange typewriter.

or alternatively

>Get annoyed with it and throw it out of the room and into a wall, making it useless.

SS: WILFRED!
SS: TELL ROLF HOW TO WORK THIS ELECTRONIC BOX OF MIRACLES!
SS: Please Wilfred? Rolf will feed you DELICIOUS BEETS if you comply with this task!

WILFRED THE PIG looks up at Rolf and looks at the computer. He presses the POWER BUTTON and turns it off.

Believing that the box is cursed, Rolf throws it straight into a WALL, making it blow up into MACHINY-BITS. Good riddance Rolf says.

Rolf: Wear typewriter as hat. Sing us the song of your people.

Oooooooooh

The son of a shepherd sleeps;
The entire forsaken world weeps;
As the giant rocks fall from the sky;
The shepherd cries for the world left behind;
For today most of the world shall die!

This was a song Rolf's relatives told him to sing for this day specifically. It's pretty odd, and it's what's odder is that they told Rolf to hide in his house with his ANIMALS and NAZZ-GIRL and JIMMY-CHEW TOY specifically. But oh well! Rolf cannot speak against traditions!

>Typist: Write.

>Writer: Type.

>Com: Pute.

>Pute: Com.

Which pair makes the most sense?

Rolf is confused by all of them and demands you stop with your tomfoolery!

And yes, Rolf can hear you too! You think SOCK-HEADED EDBOY is the only one that notices you unknown spirits?

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Despite having no real accounts online, Rolf is referred to as sonofaShepherd

[Shailsnic]

Well if your traditions tell you to... then you might want to seek out Nazz (and Jimmy if you can find him), you don't want to dishonor your traditions do you?

[Ouroboros]

> Clearly the computation device is unneeded and frivolous! You will simply memorize the zeroes and ones like a true man instead of relying on cursed machineboxes.

[Lazro]

Do you have TELEPATHY? If so, (TELEPATH?) TO EDD.

[MoroNoKimi]

>Suddenly be DOUBLE D again.

[medmedina007]

>Double Pester someone.
>Kevin: Try to contact Rolf. Blame Dorks.

[aattss]

>Rolf:Go to sleep, as the prophecy suggested.

[Kocel232]

Read to us.
Read to us the PROPHECY, no doubt preserved by your ancestors on ancient sheep-skin or something.

[LordHyper]

Do you have TELEPATHY? If so, (TELEPATH?) TO EDD.

Hmm... let's check Rolf's NEW FANGLED SKILL SET, shall we?

ROLF
TITLE: GAME SURVIVOR
LEVEL: SHEPARD SERENADER
SKILL POINTS: 42

THAT'S MY HORSE: 2 SKILL POINTS
FISH SLAP: 4 SKILL POINTS
REVENGE OF THE MEATS: 7 POINTS

Let's scroll down a bit... Oh hey! Rolf really does have TELEPATHY!

TELEPATHY: 43 SKILL POINTS NEEDED

Oh goddamnit.

>Suddenly be DOUBLE D again.

Nah. Rolf demands more screentime! Rolf does not know what a screen is, but he definitely knows who YOU are.

Read to us.
Read to us the PROPHECY, no doubt preserved by your ancestors on ancient sheep-skin or something.

Yes... THE PROPHECY... Rolf's ancestors has written it down on the SBURBAN SHEEP SKIN, a sacred sheep skin passed down his family for generations. It tells which generation has to deal with the FLYING ROCK HORDE, and unfortunately, it's his GENERATION. Now, if you accursed spirits want to specifics we can...

...

Where is Rolf's sheep skin?

VICTOR: (chomp chomp chomp)
SS: Oh Victor, you sly son-of-a-gun!

Insert this thing you call a LAUGH TRACK here. Well, guess Rolf won't be showing you the map till HOURS LATER, yes?

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[Shailsnic]

Try to retrieve at least part of the prophetic sheep skin from Vector.

[Lazro]

o-o

0-----0

0_________0

Rolf: Get something to eat. YOU ARE GETTING VEEEEERY HUNNNNNGRY

[medmedina007]

Rolf: Attempt to read Victor.
Rolf: Spend time on shenanigans

[Kocel232]

ROLF: Consume delicious pickled beets and fish, a hale and hearty lunch for any heroic shepherd, yes?

[WaveOfBabies]

Rolf > Find Nazz.

[LordHyper]

Try to retrieve at least part of the prophetic sheep skin from Vector.

Alas, Victor has eaten all of it. His burp doesn't even contain a piece of the prophecy!

Shame on you Victor.

Shame on you.

Rolf: Attempt to read Victor.
Rolf: Spend time on shenanigans

...What? You think Victor is some booky-dealie that tells tales of SORCERY, SPARKLY BLOOD-SUCKERS, and PEOPLE STUCK IN THEIR HOMES? You insult Rolf's intelligence good sir!

However, Rolf will do your SHENANIGANS REQUEST. And so Rolf picked up Victor and flips him upside down. Ha ha ha!

Yes, this is what Rolf has for entertainment in this situation. Shut up.

ROLF: Consume delicious pickled beets and fish, a hale and hearty lunch for any heroic shepherd, yes?

Rolf shall not eat! He is conserving it all until the Earth is once again PLANTABLE!

He is however having trouble resisting the call of... MEAT...

Rolf > Find Nazz.

No. Rolf has left Nazz girl specific instructions on how to get here. Rolf refuses to leave his shelter, so he's letting Nazz and Jimmy find their own ways here, yes?

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[medmedina007]

>Rolf: Try to contact your good friend Kevin.

[LordHyper]

>Rolf: Try to contact your good friend Kevin.

Rolf opens up the only available WINDOW, which shows the outside world and the streets of the Cul-De-Sac. Kevin, who was riding on his bike sees Rolf and immediately crashes. He gets out of the wreckage, grumbling to himself.

CG: Rolf! How the hell did yo get down there?
SS: Down where?
SS: All Rolf sees is his secret room.
CG: You're in the goddamn sewer.
SS: Same thing. While Rolf has your attention, can yo try and bring Nazz-girl and scardy-boy-Jimmy here.
CG: Sure. Just as long as you don't make me go down there.

You are now KEVIN. You have just accepted a QUEST from ROLF. Well, we can't leave a guy hanging. That's just not cool.

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[Shailsnic]

Before you start you QUEST try and fix your bike.