Adventure Critique Thread: No Feelings Zone

[Cauchemar]

Any critique about Alabaster, I would be pleased to read. Really, guys, I don't mind, tell me if you think there is something wrong in it. Or something right. Or... anything, I like to read opinions.

[BlueMagic]

I'd like to know why my fanventure keeps getting ignored by all but two people....

[Jacquerel]

I'd like to know why my fanventure keeps getting ignored by all but two people....

1) Text.
Right or Wrong, textventures are universally less popular than ones with pretty pictures.
It's not fair and it probably shouldn't be true, as artistic ability has almost nothing to do with how well you will actually be at telling a story, but that's just how it is. Our userbase is very very heavily biased towards looking at pictures of things alongside their text and that's just how it is.

2) First impressions.
Your title really isn't very snappy or easy to remember, so is slightly unlikely to get people to click it. Again, no pictures in the first post. The first line talks about vomit and urine.
First impressions are very important, a lot of people will look at adventures in the cradle, read the first post and maybe a couple more and if they aren't interested they will leave. If the adventure grows several pages they might come back and try it again when it's in the main forum, but again as it's a text adventure you are going to have trouble retaining readers you need to try to pull them in quickly.

3) NWoD?
Honestly apart from sburbventures which are pretty popular for obvious reasons, I'm not sure that attaching your adventure to any other pre-existing concept is going to help you that much. It makes you more attractive to people who know what it is but if it is something pretty obscure it may well also turn off people who have no idea what you are talking about.
I can't speak for everyone but personally it tends to take a lot more effort on the author's part to impress me if their scenario is borrowed from somewhere else.

4) Advertising.
There is a link in your signature but it took me ages to find it.
Your signature is an unformatted block of text hidden in a spoiler. Honestly I sort of expect most people don't even open signature spoilers most of the time, and if they do they are unlikely to read all of it or notice the unformatted text link at the bottom, not even seperated from the line giving your pesterchum details by any punctuation.
If you're going to spoiler your signature you don't have a size limit, make a big shiny banner for people to click on. Hell, a spoiler doesn't even take up all the space, you could make a banner to put under the spoiler and it would be more noticable than it is now.

None of this is meant to be insulting, I'm just answering your questions (and it does say "no feelings zone" in the title )
The forum really generally don't like text adventures that much for whatever reason, when there are so many people willing to draw (even if badly) it's easy to get used to it.
Very little of this advice is likely going to be helpful to you as I am assuming you don't draw because you are unwilling to, you can't really go back and change the first post (and probably shouldn't anyway) and you aren't going to change the subject matter.
Is being hugely popular really important to you though? You have a few readers who are dedicated, hopefully you didn't just make this adventure so that people would learn your name!

Adventures with few comments are no less worthwhile than adventures with many, it should be about whether you enjoy making your adventure or not. Don't get discouraged if you don't get a page of replies from every update, very very few people do, just keep doing what you personally feel is best and work with what you have.

[BlueMagic]

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I'd like to know why my fanventure keeps getting ignored by all but two people....

1) Text.
Right or Wrong, textventures are universally less popular than ones with pretty pictures.
It's not fair and it probably shouldn't be true, as artistic ability has almost nothing to do with how well you will actually be at telling a story, but that's just how it is. Our userbase is very very heavily biased towards looking at pictures of things alongside their text and that's just how it is.

2) First impressions.
Your title really isn't very snappy or easy to remember, so is slightly unlikely to get people to click it. Again, no pictures in the first post. The first line talks about vomit and urine.
First impressions are very important, a lot of people will look at adventures in the cradle, read the first post and maybe a couple more and if they aren't interested they will leave. If the adventure grows several pages they might come back and try it again when it's in the main forum, but again as it's a text adventure you are going to have trouble retaining readers you need to try to pull them in quickly.

3) NWoD?
Honestly apart from sburbventures which are pretty popular for obvious reasons, I'm not sure that attaching your adventure to any other pre-existing concept is going to help you that much. It makes you more attractive to people who know what it is but if it is something pretty obscure it may well also turn off people who have no idea what you are talking about.
I can't speak for everyone but personally it tends to take a lot more effort on the author's part to impress me if their scenario is borrowed from somewhere else.

4) Advertising.
There is a link in your signature but it took me ages to find it.
Your signature is an unformatted block of text hidden in a spoiler. Honestly I sort of expect most people don't even open signature spoilers most of the time, and if they do they are unlikely to read all of it or notice the unformatted text link at the bottom, not even seperated from the line giving your pesterchum details by any punctuation.
If you're going to spoiler your signature you don't have a size limit, make a big shiny banner for people to click on. Hell, a spoiler doesn't even take up all the space, you could make a banner to put under the spoiler and it would be more noticable than it is now.

None of this is meant to be insulting, I'm just answering your questions (and it does say "no feelings zone" in the title )
The forum really generally don't like text adventures that much for whatever reason, when there are so many people willing to draw (even if badly) it's easy to get used to it.
Very little of this advice is likely going to be helpful to you as I am assuming you don't draw because you are unwilling to, you can't really go back and change the first post (and probably shouldn't anyway) and you aren't going to change the subject matter.
Is being hugely popular really important to you though? You have a few readers who are dedicated, hopefully you didn't just make this adventure so that people would learn your name!

Adventures with few comments are no less worthwhile than adventures with many, it should be about whether you enjoy making your adventure or not. Don't get discouraged if you don't get a page of replies from every update, very very few people do, just keep doing what you personally feel is best and work with what you have.

I don't draw because I feel my drawings are not worth it, and people will walk away from it....I'll think about your critique, though. Anything about Bit City, an rp in the forum?

[PaladinFoster]

How come I never noticed this thread before? It seems incredibly useful. Well anyway, I could do a critique, and I could use one of my own adventures critiqued as well. Link is in my signature, right next to the old failed one that I canceled.

[Cauchemar]

How come I never noticed this thread before? It seems incredibly useful. Well anyway, I could do a critique, and I could use one of my own adventures critiqued as well. Link is in my signature, right next to the old failed one that I canceled.

* You could use to train a little your art skills, human anatomy doesn't work that way, for example, hands go below the belt level and legs are longer than arms, but it isn't a problem, there is a lot of uglier but successful adventures. The problem comes with the "Total loss of proportion and perspective, lol". Maybe the joke could work within another fandom, but here you're in Sweet Bro & Hella Jeff territory, and all the jokes about awful drawings have already been done, by everyone, multiple times (and while we're talking about it: people could also acknowledge all the Homestuck memes are getting really old really quickly too... they look like a sure way to have some easy laughs, but really, it isn't humour, it's laziness). So this kind of little fun serves nothing but sending the wrong message at the beginning of your adventure, aka "My drawings are ugly, whatever, I don't care". Seriously, if you aren't willing to put some effort in the drawing, use some stick figures or game sprites at least.

* Adventures with drawings only half of the time become common these days, and that's an error. Because text adventures and illustrated adventures are not the same thing. It is a whole different media. In one category, you're dwelling into pure literature, in the other, you become closer to a graphic novel. They are two extremely different ways to tell the story and mixing them randomly looks extremely awkward. Very good experimental things can be done with a more structured method (just look at Watchmen and the way it uses extracts of fictional books and magazines), but hazardous work gives hazardous, tedious and ultimately uninteresting results.

* SBURB adventures are not bad by themselves, but the forum is kinda overloaded by them. You'd better have the best gimmick in mind if you want to do one. A good beginning is to create a new alien species, like Cordless, Nestbound, Eggshelled or Domicile Restrained. It's almost always creative and interesting.
A bad idea is to do a troll session (...). A worse idea is to do a human session, since it's no longer even exotic, only boring.
Of course, one can always do worse. Like a self-insertion SBURB session.

* Self-Insertion is the worst idea ever. Unless you are Ray Bradbury himself: A Graveyard for Lunatics is a beautiful book, a mystery novel set in Hollywood, but it's only interesting because Bradbury is crazy, insanely talented, had Fritz Lang and Ray Harryhausen amongst his friends, and therefore uses these two historical, extraordinary figures as characters. Or unless you're Hussie. Or another person with an unique idea about self-insertion.
But virtually you can't do anything interesting with self-insertion. Please try to create real characters instead of believing your life and personality are interesting for anyone besides yourself. Even if they are (protip: they aren't, also stop posting Facebook status about how the apple you ate yesterday was delicious, no one cares), you'll never be able to write a good story with yourself and your friends because one opinion's of themselves and their beloved ones is always twisted. You can meet other problems as well, would you be able to kill yourself in your story? No, so no one will ever be afraid of any dangerous situation happening to your self-insert. Would you be able to make yourself detestable? Of course no, no one wants to be hated. Would you be able to describe your relationship between you and your comrades nothing short of respectful, polite and equilibrate (aka boring)? No.
So stop trying. Subtle, interesting, astounding Self-Insertion is never going to happen.




Basically, everything in your premises is bad and you should start (again) from scratch.
It is a kinda depressing thing to say, especially since you look like a very positive and enthusiast individual, and you asked for it. I feel like doing gratuitous overkilling here, but I figured it could be useful anyway. And not only for you. There is a lot of other adventures here which could have exactly the same critique.

[Kalseng]

Hey. I'd like some critique on my adventure. It's a SBURB adventure (wooooo) so I'm fighting that uphill battle I've heard referred to over and over, but the one thing I'd really like to know is this:

I'm not drawing any of this with anything remotely pen-shaped. No paper and pencil, no tablet. I'm doing everything with some Homestuck pictures and GIMP. Is there anywhere where this is incredibly obvious? And does anyone have tips for how to make this less apparent?

[greyscaleScavenger]

Hello. I'd really appreciate critiques on my adventure Aerion. I know it doesn't have much going for it, but I'm going to work on figuring out how to make it more dynamic, and hey, it's better to adjust it now than a good ways in, right? Thanks. ;;o.o

[ashdenej]

Hi, there. I'd like to request critique on my forum adventure, and also advice on how I could make it more obvious that there are image updates later on in the story. I started a sort of beautification project by retroactively adding images to the early posts, but that's taken a back seat to the main update process.

Thanking you in advance.

[Torquemadras Trump]

Hello everyone! This seems like the perfect thread for me - I've started my first forum adventure a couple of days ago, and I was wondering how I was doing.

So, if anyone feels like giving me some opinions, it would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance, everyone. Here's the link (also in my signature): Legend of the Hunter

Hi, there. I'd like to request critique on my forum adventure, and also advice on how I could make it more obvious that there are image updates later on in the story. I started a sort of beautification project by retroactively adding images to the early posts, but that's taken a back seat to the main update process.

Thanking you in advance.

I only gave it a coursery glance, and in any way I'm probably too new to give you any serious advice... So I'll just say this:

I was so impressed by the pictures in the first update that I immediately bookmarked your thread!

I'll make sure to post some suggestions once you continue!

[risingzenith]

Hi. Can someone please critique my Road Trip Adventure? I'm not really sure if I'm doing it right...

Thank you!

[Apathy]

Oh, I like this thread. No wonder I couldn't find one, I never really hit up this subforum...

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Hey. I'd like some critique on my adventure. It's a SBURB adventure (wooooo) so I'm fighting that uphill battle I've heard referred to over and over, but the one thing I'd really like to know is this:

I'm not drawing any of this with anything remotely pen-shaped. No paper and pencil, no tablet. I'm doing everything with some Homestuck pictures and GIMP. Is there anywhere where this is incredibly obvious? And does anyone have tips for how to make this less apparent?

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Oh! I remember giving this a glance once. It's quite nicely done! Of course you have the natural Homestuck Buildings, HS sprites, etc, but it's all nice and clean. Eyes are a little unnaturally big, but it's aesthetically pleasing. Carry on! If anything, on this pagethe Victory dance is a little weird and some of the expressions on his face don't match the situation.
With 6 pages so far, I'm looking at this as quite high quality art, promising storytelling, and a nice return to the simple 'kids play Sburb' without too much really shoved into place. While Sburb-ventures are not usually my thing without a whole new (believable) species involved, if I read kidVentures I'd make sure to watch this.
The only thing I'm not sure about is the title. As you know, Sburb-ventures always have to fight hard to maintain reader's interest. The HomeShoosh/BluhStuck/BluhShoosh title is a bit overused. If you like it that way, that's okay. Just a minor point your audience may judge on.

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Hello. I'd really appreciate critiques on my adventure Aerion. I know it doesn't have much going for it, but I'm going to work on figuring out how to make it more dynamic, and hey, it's better to adjust it now than a good ways in, right? Thanks. ;;o.o

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... interesting. Art style reminds me of Segaventures, very, very much so, especially Hikikomori - always a good thing. And you say this is more like a Yureka/ID_entity thing than a reality-bender game? I've been wondering when one of these would pop up, it's a nice change from the original that doesn't try too hard to be unique.
You're not going to have any trouble drawing readers in with this art, and the title is vaguely interesting enough to hook a few. So we come to the writing. To me, kind of looks like the fourth wall is being leaned on a tad too hard. It's a preference thing - some readers will think it disrupts the story; others will not care.
I like the little jokes you slip in here and there, though. The '1,504,523.4 contestants' was a nice touch, though the word 'contestant' implies that they did something to try and heighten their chances of entry. The Dave background reminds that this is still connected to Homestuck, but not in a form where it's really part of the world so much as a thing on the Internet. Alex Marie's too-big sweater, decidedly soft body shape and particular mannerisms give the immediate idea that this person has problems with people who can't tell his gender, and it's probably going to be a running gag, but you don't outright rub it in the face - a mistake some more amateur adventures make - but instead leave it to the readers to solidify it, which pleases them. Good on you! I especially liked the 'Manly doodle' in the spoiler. And that you actually animated him typing the YESSSS (one-fingered...) is to be lauded. As well as a 6+ combustability stat.
A note on receiving name-commands - you may want to include something along the lines of "What's your name again?" or "Who's this [insult]?" to clue the readers in. Some authors don't like people suggesting names before they want them, so readers have adapted. Saying "You are now this guy" doesn't really seem like a call to name the person - more like the normal call for commands, and admittedly the background in that shot didn't really lend itself to interaction much.
Now, about colors. The one Marie's sister uses is kind of blinding, and hard to read on many backgrounds. Perhaps you could dim it down? The update directly below her introduction also demonstrates one of the difficulties in maintaining your art style, by the way - pale colors on pale. It's hard to see, for most people. (Supposedly, colorblind people are better at determining the difference? I wouldn't know, the tests can't figure out whether I'm colorblind or not.)
That was a nice first flash! Pretty smooth. Unfortunately, the abrupt ending definitely threw it off, and there were a couple things that could have been done better. Socks, eh, VR programs don't have to care about them, but the facial zoom had the hair static, and Word didn't prompt a save when it closed. Of course, this is all very, very nitpicky stuff. Moving onto the second Flash, I'm honestly astounded at the quality! Nice to see it matching the music so well - there are a couple awkward parts, but a great improvement, and it's much longer than I expected. Your loading screen is a bit complicated - it may be causing the Flash to load slower than normal. (dA is always a bit slow, but it's as good a host as any.) In addition, the pan felt a little bit jerky - if it's going to turn, try and use soft curves I guess? Straight lines could certainly work, but this way it's kind of abrupt.
I thought Faemon was a typo at first, but it sounds interesting. You're very into the Worldbuilding, it seems. I admit it's probably not the way I'd have characterized all those races, but each to their own, and you're pulling your weight admirably here. You leave an admirable amount of character design up to the reader, taking it step by step, not something you see everyday - I think I've seen it in Prequel and then maybe one or two others, but that was mostly clothes. Keeps its actual-game-feeling going.

This adventure is beautifully done. Its flaws are mostly minor, and it grabs the attention despite not even having really started - I believe I'll be subscribing. In this amount of time since the last post, the readers are probably waiting for an update on the situation, never mind an update to the adventure itself.
And it looks like I'm just in time for a quick reboot? Perhaps, perhaps not. You know, if you still want to change the art style, you can always just take it slow so as not to throw off readers. Smooth is the key; sudden change is the enemy.

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Hi, there. I'd like to request critique on my forum adventure, and also advice on how I could make it more obvious that there are image updates later on in the story. I started a sort of beautification project by retroactively adding images to the early posts, but that's taken a back seat to the main update process.

Thanking you in advance.

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Oh hey, I read part of this one earlier as well! I'm a very minor nerd about stuff like the Deadly Sins/Desires, so this one caught my interest right off the bat. Other people might not get the theme, but it doesn't look like you need to know it to really understand the adventure. And I understand this came about because of a broccoli request? Fascinating. A nice example of how you can build on the weirdest prompts - I'll mark this one for reference later.

Now, textventures always have trouble getting readers, simply because many people don't like reading textwalls. It's not a thing about even the amount of the text - it's simply the visual arrangement. You split it up nicely, but there's only so much you can do.
The intro/prologue is kind of strange - it throws you off. I'm not sure, maybe that's intentional? I had to read it twice over to understand. Maybe it's the tense thing. It changes between past and present tense several times.
A note - in the first update, the pictures are on opposite sides of a bit of text not entirely related to them. I enjoy the art quite a lot - seems like what would have happened if one of my earlier art styles had actually survived and been pulled off well, rather than by some clod like me -but in this case it served merely to confuse. And, for nitpicking, the Baker appears to be giving a palm slap rather than a backhand.
Speaking of the art, good on you for the different mask styles. They're distinct without being overly complex, and give each character their own instantly recognizable 'face'. Appeals to the reader.
I'm infinitely amused by the way you work the most surreal things into this. Broccoli gang, King Prawn, broccoli backgrounds, Mullberries, and a troll out of nowhere that doesn't seem to bother the others at all. In fact, he seems the most normal of them all, rather than the stand-out you'd expect. Some readers will figure that inserting a troll into this kind of taints it - it implies a little too much taken from Hussie's world, you see. As long as he doesn't start taking over the story, it probably won't scare many off, and it seems he won't. As a matter of fact, the whole thing has a nice flavour of whimsy. I suppose it's hereditive.
This adventure is formatted, on the whole, a bit strangely. Some updates come in double posts; some come in consecutive posts, but were not meant to be, it seems; pieces of backstory / information are placed right in the open. The two authors thing also makes it naturally a bit odd. Again, readers unused to complexity may be driven off here - it can give a pretty convincing worldbuilder look to the untrained eye.
Even so, this writing style has its own appeal. The updates flow naturally into one another with the ellipses trailing off, and picking right back up with a suggestion in the middle. It'd be easy to compile into book format, actually, which could be a hit. Many people won't read forum adventures in their threads because of the flow interruption and the many pages of commands / discussion. If you compiled however many updates into a chapter, you could easily have a most fascinating book that plenty would be willing to read on, say, AO3 rather than the normal mirror. I'd actually suggest that - while it is natural to remain on forum, it still feels just a little awkward here.

I think the main problem here is the little inconsistencies, in tense and perspective. Of tense, I've already pointed out the prologue; for perspective, it's kind of jarring to be reading the third-person of the Banker and then suddenly have a moment where You are Him, or the same with Sursus.
This one's commendable! It draws you in just as long as you hang around to be pleasantly mired in it. I'd suggest you unspoiler the first image/banner, just to catch some attention. On the matter of attention, the Broccoli Gang probably would grab more passing fancies than Masquerade, but this compromise is more interesting than both.

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Hi. Can someone please critique my Road Trip Adventure? I'm not really sure if I'm doing it right...

Thank you!

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Your adventure's very new, it seems - it'd be difficult to give it a fair judgment at the moment. However, I'll do my best with what you've got.

- I know you're doing the art on MS Paint, but it still looks... kind of sketchy. That's ok, sketchy art isn't too big of a problem... however, people often decide whether or not to pick up an adventure depending on what they see in the first update. Looking down the page, I can tell your capabilities go beyond that - not exactly my favorite art style, but I suppose it's got its own clean, simple charm. Perhaps later on you might want to redraw the first update - or even make a 'cover' instead, so to speak. You want to hook readers, and I'm fairly confident you can, but that first image is a bit messy - some may find it offputting.
- It looks like you're taking a nice, simplistic route for this adventure. Not really worrying about seriousness, just having fun and taking all commands so far. Good! It matches your title, and the art rounds it off. You've put a nice little set together here. Unfortunately, while a nice straightforward adventure is definitely going to draw some viewers, some people may drop this adventure for those same reasons. It all goes down to what the reader's expecting from the adventure. Your title says it's not too heavy-handed, your art is light, and your writing confirms it. You're good to go on this part!
-- Don't worry - I'm not saying your adventure can't have its own serious moments and draw people in for the story, not just distraction. If you dig a bit, there's an adventure called Butler around the Completed Adventures subforum that pulled that off very nicely, despite its initially silly appearance, and I think by the same person another known as Daughter. I'm just saying it'll be easier to attract readers looking for something straightforward. Know your audience!
- Now, the writing style - at the moment, it feels a little rushed. Remember, it's perfectly okay to slow down and let readers poke around. If they ask you to hurry up, something might be wrong, but it's your judgment in the end. Still, I think there would have been at least a couple commands to, say, check out that apparently shining, vaguely mushroom-shaped thing in the second picture, or something.

Like I said, I can't really go into much detail for this one - it's not even past the first page! Just going to say, keep working hard on it. Try and do more of those nice vectorized images, but if you don't want to pressure yourself, just try and make the MS Paint ones clean.

I may or may not be completely coherent in these reviews, but I did best I could. 'Night guys

[ashdenej]

Right, I've done a rewrite of the Prologue and first post in general, repositioned the slapping pictures (and also retconned the backhand). I'd assumed that the former positions of the images would read as a form of punchline - you read about the history etc. of the Gang, and then you get a reminder of how they actually act together. It was also because if you put them before and after the appropriate paragraph it gets a bit swallowed by the pictures. Nevermind! All changed now.

I've also found all the double posts I could and just merged them together, using the dividing method that I used in the first post.

Satisfactory?

By the way, the reason the title was changed was because there were quite a few people who said that they "couldn't take it seriously" and due to one particularly memorable person who thought that I was stealing from Veggie Tales. I'd never seen or heard of that show prior to that, so I suppose there's that to thank them for.

[Apathy]

I don't mean to step on anyone's toes - those were just some minor suggestions based on what I saw, so I probably missed several punchlines like that. But I like what you've done with it so far! I didn't expect such a fast reaction. The only qualm I've really got is that the one group image is still in that spoiler - I think it could really bring in readers who just click to get a glimpse before deciding whether to read or not. Getting the impulse reaction, and some people just don't click spoilers for some reason.

However, that's mainly an advertising thing, and from a reader's standpoint it looks perfectly fine the way it is. If you still feel you could do better, I'm afraid I'm not sure what else to critique, pretty much everything by now as far as I can see is just a matter of which type of reader you want to attract.

[ashdenej]

Oh, sorry. I forgot the most important bit of my post!

THANK YOU for taking the time to review, and not just for me! For all of those guys. That was very good of you, and I was glad to recieve such a thoughtful review! ...I'm sorry if I sounded a bit terse or business-like, too. Uh, yeah, I'll despoil the header picture, I was just thinking about making a tailored banner for the adventure, which I then promptly forgot about. Hehe.

Yeah, and if they're not comfortable with large bodies of text then... it probably isn't the adventure for them, although eventually there are talksprites on the last few pages.

E: I've also unspoiled the picture now.

[Yako]

Hey guys, I'm looking for a little critique on Almost a Hero. I'd like a focus on story/art-- I realize I should update more frequently than I do. Thank you for your time in advance.

[Hecthur]

Hey guys, I'm looking for a little critique on Almost a Hero. I'd like a focus on story/art-- I realize I should update more frequently than I do. Thank you for your time in advance.

Seems fine to me, so long as you acknowledge the need to update. If you're trying to run a story, you need to tell it fast enough for people to not lose interest.

[ashdenej]

This thread seems to have withered - hopefully it can be revived!

Uhm, hum. To start it up again... my adventure has started using images - from page nine and onwards - like this:

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Could somebody give me a critique on the latter half of the adventure? How the pictures have been implemented / could be implemented better, and such.

Thank you!

[K25fF]

If possible, could I have some critique for Something, from Someplace and Adventures in ____.

Should I update more? Work on my art? Something else?

[Gutter]

I'd quite like some critique on In Medias Res.

I'm aware that updates have been slow up till now, but I'm working on that. And I'm also aware of the struggle of making a SBURBventure. Any other critique would be great, though.

[Kikka]

I'd quite like some critique on In Medias Res.

I'm aware that updates have been slow up till now, but I'm working on that. And I'm also aware of the struggle of making a SBURBventure. Any other critique would be great, though.

Here's my point outs:

1. Well, it's a SBURBventure.

I'm sorry, but SBURBventures are most of the time really predictable because the concept has been done to death; a bunch of kids with typing quirks try to avoid a meteorite, go to lands of x and x, fight minions, meet the Trolls etcetera.

It feels that the only way you're going to surprise your readers in terms of storytelling would be to pull something completely out of left field and make it work, or develop the relations between the characters so that there's room for the story to expand through the development of the characters.
By the way, how do the kids already know so well about SBURBventures? Did they read Homestuck?

2. Talking of the story, I feel like you're introducing characters and locales much too quickly. I didn't have time to get attached to the first character when the story was already dealing with the second one, then it jumped again to the third one from the first one. Then we're suddenly at a land of x and x, without anything to tell how, why and when we got there, or even what the place is like.
You are also using lots terminology and concepts from a SBURBventure without really explaining them; I feel you're leaning too much on the chance that the reader already knows what a SBURBventure is and how it works.

The flow of the story can also feel very confusing at times. New characters pop up, things happen very suddenly, and it seems like all relationships between characters and their personalities are quickly established through Pesterlogs. I'll honestly say that it would be really cool if the reader wouldn't have to read very long Pesterlogs just to get a hang of the story and the characters!

3. Please please please make good troll characters. Most fan Troll characters would lose all of their personality if they used normal text instead of typing quirks.

4. On the positive side: The art is good and nicely varied. Try to make your backgrounds a bit more exciting, though.

Just make the story more coherent and work on the backgrounds, you'll be golden.

-----

Also, may I request critique for my adventure Flunk the Emperor?
Just point out things you like, things you DON'T like, and things you feel could be improved.

Also it's a long adventure, so there's some change in the quality of the art between the early pages and the latter ones, especially around when I got a good graphics tablet to work with. I would appreciate it if you checked out the latter panels when critiquing the art, since I feel the drawing in them represents my actual current skill better.

[Gutter]

By the way, how do the kids already know so well about SBURBventures? Did they read Homestuck?
I feel like you're introducing characters and locales much too quickly. I didn't have time to get attached to the first character when the story was already dealing with the second one, then it jumped again to the third one from the first one. Then we're suddenly at a land of x and x, without anything to tell how, why and when we got there, or even what the place is like.

Actually, this is just because I've started in medias res (hence the title), as in 'in the middle of the action'. There's a lot that has happened that we haven't seen yet, that will either be referred to by characters or shown in flashbacks.

The kids know nothing about SBURB, other than what the little booklet that came with the two discs say. Cain, for example, knows how to get into the Medium because he's just seen Kate do it.

You are also using lots terminology and concepts from a SBURBventure without really explaining them; I feel you're leaning too much on the chance that the reader already knows what a SBURBventure is and how it works.

You have a really good point here; I am assuming that most of the people reading it have read Homestuck, since they're on the MSPA forums. Which admittedly makes it hard for anyone who isn't familiar with SBURB to pick it up.

3. Please please please make good troll characters. Most fan Troll characters would lose all of their personality if they used normal text instead of typing quirks.

I've worked pretty hard on them. In fact, the typing quirks came way after their personalities.
NE's quirk, for example, I basically came up with two days before posting the first pesterlog with him in.


Thanks so much for your advice c:
I really appreciate it.

[ProfessorLizzard]

My opinions is on the other side. Typing quirks don't make a good character, they are just obstructive, and annoying. You should make it so that the way they speak should be how they can be distinguished, not how they format their text.

EDIT: Ah sorry, I completely misunderstood what you said.

[mythLeader]

Also, may I request critique for my adventure Flunk the Emperor?
Just point out things you like, things you DON'T like, and things you feel could be improved.

Hm, well, since I read and subscribe to Flunk the Emperor, I guess I'll give this a go...

=====

THINGS I LIKE:
The character designs are all unique... that is to say, you have a very distinct design for each character. (With the partial exception of Flunk and the robot, but of course there's a story reason for that.) Some artists just work with a basic template and change the hair and other details, and leave it at that. I don't want to dismiss that approach completely -- I mean, heck, Andrew Hussie more or less does that for the kid/troll characters in Homestuck -- but there's something to be said for giving every character a distinct look.

The characters aren't just one-dimensional stereotypes; many of them seem to have more complexity than they first let on... while Fairsquare is originally hinted to be sort of dumb, he ends up showing more sense than his initial description would seem to imply, and Luxburg's pseudointellectuality (I'm too lazy to go and find the post now where you explicitly said OOC that he wasn't really as book-smart as he pretended to be, but I remember you saying it [OKAY I LIED HERE IT IS I AM NEVER TOO LAZY TO HUNT DOWN OLD FORUM POSTS FOR NO REASON APPARENTLY]) is a nice touch.

The music is a good addition to set your adventure apart and give it something a little different from most.

You set up an RPG stat/ability/etc. system that's involved enough to be interesting without just being a blatant ripoff of Homestuck or Problem Sleuth or something. The Fpod is also a nice touch, a good way both to supply background information and to explain how the game elements work.

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THINGS I DON'T LIKE:
Hmm... I can't think of any major problems offhand. But since you asked, I'll try to be as nitpicky as possible. Please don't take any of the following personally; these are mostly just matters of personal preference, and I'm kind of reaching to find something to criticize.

Honestly, though I praised your unique character designs, I'm not a big fan of the design of Flunk himself. For me, it's a little too... simplistic, I guess? But that's a matter of personal taste, and certainly not an objective measurement. It's too late to change his design now anyway, but even if it weren't, I'm not suggesting you should do it; just because it doesn't happen to conform with my own preferences doesn't mean there's anything really wrong with it.

Also, Flunk is, of course, a fairly unlikable character. I know this is intentional, and sometimes having an unlikable protagonist can be funny, but... well, again, it's just not really to my personal taste. Again, matter of personal preference, not really important, etc.

Your updates don't always end in a place that lends itself well to new commands... the latest update, for instance, ends with all the main characters zooming off in the car. The car's already left and already has the destination set, so... what are we supposed to command them to do? >ARRIVE? It might have been better to end the update with their arrival at the mall, or to switch at this point to another character, so as to give a situation with a little more indeterminacy that allows for more interesting commands. This is by no means a problem unique to your adventure, though; a lot of adventures do this (and when I start my own adventure I'll probably end up doing it myself sometimes... I'm sure it's not easy to figure out a way to end each update with an open-ended situation).

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THINGS TO BE IMPROVED:

OK, maybe the biggest thing to be improved, in my opinion, involves the music. I said before that the music was something that set your adventure apart in a good way... but I think there's got to be a better way to implement it. Having to open a new window/tab for each piece of music, and then close it afterward, got really tedious really quick, especially on the pages with a lot of music. I listened to it all anyway, because I am an insane completist, but I was seriously annoyed by having to do this. Isn't there some way you could embed the music in the post so you could listen to it with a single click, rather than having to go to a tindeck page? I don't know what that way might be, but it's got to be possible somehow.

It is, of course, entirely possible that I am the only person to have been bothered by this.

=====

Okay, anyway... like I said, don't worry too much about the things listed in the "THINGS I DIDN'T LIKE" column; like I said, I don't think the adventure really has any major problems, and I was kind of reaching to come up with something there. But anyway, I hope this post has been at least a little helpful...

[PavlovianCat]

^^^ I really don't think it's possible to imbed just a one-click music file on a forum like this. To my knowledge, we'd have to have HTML code turned on to do that (which would be a really bad idea), or the admins would have to do some fidgeting around behind the scenes to make it possible. The closest I think he could do would be to upload the music to youtube and link that:

show spoiler

hide spoiler

But like you can see, he'd have to embed the entire youtube interface to do so, but it might work if he wants to do that. (I haven't actually read the adventure, so I wouldn't know.)

I think Tindeck still tends to be the generally accepted way to link music in situations like this though.

Edit: Wait, taking a look at the adventure, doesn't he start embedding youtube videos by the end anyway?