Adventure Critique Thread: No Feelings Zone

[Millionsandwiches]

Thank you! I'll go through the posts and make it easier per your suggestion.

[laserdogbad]

also how do you guys like my new forum adventure super cool awesome adventure 2: the dungeon of doom (scaff 2 dungeon of doom)

[ASBusinessMagnet]

also how do you guys like my new forum adventure super cool awesome adventure 2: the dungeon of doom (scaff 2 dungeon of doom)

From other content you made (Cool RP, Fan SBaHJ RP) I'll start comparing it with SBaHJ right now, before looking at it.

It basically is SBaHJ, but you ripped off characters from Homestuck and... Mythbusters? Also TF2? (Sidenote: I have absolutely no problem with that since Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise is, to put simply, a grand ripoff of everything Portal- and Homestuck-related.) They seem to be "changed", but too less, yet are acceptable. 4/5

Now the plot. With a TF2-like plot I'd expect red and blue teams to kill off each other, yet this is an adventure and I don't know what the suggesters smoked. But they probably wanted to piss you off seeing at how of a bad quality ripoff is the first page. That would give -1/5 for the first page and 3/5 for the overall plot. Average: 1/5

Update speed. Four pages in nine days? 5/5

Total average: 3/5

You found a balance between shitty and cool. Congratulations.

(If anyone else is interested, since laserdogbad didn't post the link, it's here: http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread...ungeon-of-doom )

[Millionsandwiches]

I know I asked for criticism earlier, but now that my adventure has a little bit more meat on its bones, I'd like someone to revisit it. If possible, I'd like a cut-to-the-chase overview that tackles
A: What I am doing wrong (description, dialogue, etc.)
B: How I could fix it
C: Your opinion of the plot (as much as you can give)
Please don't pull any punches.

[Znex]

Crossposting from MSPAFA General Chat:

Hey guys, could any of you review my Homestuck-venture for me? The link is embedded in the adventure's banner in my sig.

[GenTrigger]

Could I get a critique on my adventure? It's the little SWS thingy and hat in my sig.

[Obselescence]

Apparently this thread is here and it's been here for a while, so I guess I will ask politely for a review on my adventure: HiveBrawl: The Trollening.

[String Cheeze]

I'd kindly request a critique on my newest adventure, Thrunge Plate. Just kinda over all critique of everything, I suppose.

I do believe that this one is much much better than my older three, in any and all ways, so I know improvement is happening, I just want to know if it's the right kinda improvement.

[OfficerJordan]

It looks like this thread is somewhat inactive, so it worries me a little bit. :c

Still, I'd like to have the adventure Aangie and I work on, Starfall, critiqued. The mirror is accessible via a link in my signature.

Things I'd like critiqued include: story pacing (though I haven't even gotten to the real, real story yet), characters, effort shown, and things like that.

An important note before you critique; Aangie and I have both drawn the art for updates, because she likes splitting the work with me, though she is often unable so I still do a majority of it.
Pages that she put together the images for: 2, 13 to 17, 30 to 34, 55 (the flash), 86-100, 133-140. I guess we'd like an honest opinion of what you think about this approach; we won't be hurt. Thanks! c:

[laserdogbad]

@ officer jordan
1.add more refrences to sweet bro and hella jeff
2. take the most rediculous requests seriously
3. copy and paste 90% of your images
4. use less correct spelling

edit: your adventure is cool enough

[ASBusinessMagnet]

@ officer jordan
1.add more refrences to sweet bro and hella jeff
2. take the most rediculous requests seriously
3. copy and paste 90% of your images
4. use less correct spelling

edit: your adventure is cool enough

1. Use more correct spelling;
2. Use forum syntax;
3. Your way of doing stuff may be cool in a Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff-like work, but this work is serious and needs serious critique.

[Znex]

Crossposting from MSPAFA General Chat:

Hey guys, could any of you review my Homestuck-venture for me? The link is embedded in the adventure's banner in my sig.

Could someone please critique this?

[Millionsandwiches]

CRITEQUESPLOSION GO!

Homelysong

show spoiler

hide spoiler

So far it's looking pretty good, and is certainly an imaginative idea. As far as art goes, I can tell that you are unskilled, but that's coming from a guy who's making a text adventure. It's rough, but not bad. I like the music idea, but I think the implementation is a little flawed. Downloading the songs works, but it's much less of a hassle to use something like tindeck. Otherwise, you can stop apologizing so profusely after every minor hiccup. RL stuff gets in the way, and there's nothing you can do. Best of luck to you, and continue the good work.

HiveBrawl

show spoiler

hide spoiler

I love the idea, and you've done a really good job writing the trolls. The art could use some work, but this is, again, coming from a guy who can't draw on a computer worth shit. It would be less distracting if you avoided major mistakes, like Doc Scratch's arms in the snowman/scratch pic. Shoulders do not work that way. Other than that, you're doing pretty well. Check out the art forum for style critiquing and improvement tips.

SWS

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Wow. I'm really liking this. The art is awesome, and your writing style shines brilliantly. As far as negatives go, you pretty much covered it in your drinking game list. Also, don't worry if life stuff slows you down, as we are an understanding bunch here. I don't have the time to run through all of it at once, so PM me if you'd like more.

Thrunge Plate

show spoiler

hide spoiler

So far, looking good. The writing is good, and the character design is interesting, but the scenery leaves something to be desired. I know the adventure is in its early stages, but the dull colors kind of run together. This one has the makings of a great epic.

Starfall

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Once again, I fall to praise. Both art styles fit the story perfectly, and have their individual merits. The characters are funny, and although you aren't following Earthbound, they have that EB quirkyness emblematic of the series. I'm definately going to follow this one.

[OfficerJordan]

Thanks for your critique, Millionsandwiches! Feels good. : D

[Millionsandwiches]

You're welcome! Just continue to make an awesome adventure. Do you think you could give me your opinon on my adventure? It's a little hard to tell how I'm doing when my traffic is so low.

[Znex]

Thanks for your critique, Millionsandviches. </heavy>

[GenTrigger]

Thanks brah, I should really start critiquing a few myself to not be a lazy bum.

[Millionsandwiches]

Maybe mine? I'm sorry if this is out of line, but I know my adventure needs serious improvement. I'd like to know where to start.

[Obselescence]

Oh woooooww, a review. Sorry. Just noticed. :X

Also, yeah, know Art's my weakest point. Scratch's shoulders were a particularly bad attempt to emulate his sprite's... angular look, I guess? At any rate, it failed pretty bad.

Thanks for your thoughts!

[OfficerJordan]

@ Millionsandwiches: I like it so far, especially the way you write. Maybe a bit bolder character individualization could be employed - text adventures sometimes require you to compensate a bit, and don't be afraid to throw some interesting curveballs from time to time.

[String Cheeze]

Sorry, haven't been around much the last few days, so I just noticed the critique and all. Thank you so very much! And I actually have a sorta reason for everything to be dull and dusty and bland at this point. Eventually that will change!

[Pharmacy]

DO YOUR WORST.

http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread.php?37239

Shoop. I will like a review on my adventure.

I use MS paint to draw most panels which I animate in Gimp, for your information. I reason why I said that is because hopefully I can glean some tip and techniques for that medium. :>

[oidip]

Pharmacy, ???

show spoiler

hide spoiler

You adventure is really good.
The normal art style is clear and nice looking, the hero mode pictures are definitely amazing as well.
Your writing is nice and makes Tom sound all silly while he is actually awesome.
I can't say much for the stroy because it is fairly close to the start but it looks like it is going in a good direction.

Gripe?
Sometimes the animations are a bit fast.
The one where he teleports to the pet shop is rather confusing.
But overall a bro-tastic adventure.

IDE:
If you want to somebody to review your adventure. You must review somebody else's.
If you just want to review an adventure then that's obviously fine as well.

Alfonzo the pet rock:
http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread...o-the-Pet-rock!

If you could review this and tell me what is wrong with it that would be nice.
Nobody seems to suggest :/

[scintillatingMoniker]

When I have time I'll make sure to read through at least one of these adventures in order to provide some critique. In the meantime, I'd like some on my two (DEAD) adventures.

I plan to get back to both eventually, when I have time. Although I'm not sure that Do Not Play This Game is really worth a revive as it is.

OBEY on the other hand, I have big plans for.

http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread.php?31671-OBEY

http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread...play-this-game

[Galloglasses]

http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread...8130-Kingmaker

HAVE AT THEE