I thought some parts would work better as Terezi talking to herself because she is supposed to be "playing."
Also, apparently, my narrator knows nothing on Alternian Law.
sfx: the buzz on a single lamp, the tap of a cane onto a hand, and then its placement on to the floor.
Narrator:Most of the interrogation is in the intimidating silence.
Terezi: *wisper* shut up
sfx: slaps against teh scaly plush
Terezi:*to herself* You don't want to slap too hard. Enough to sting, but not to bruise. It must be methodical, business-like. And persistent. You only stop when you smell tears.
Terezi:Mr. Senator, you smell very nice. Your luscious yellow scales are like the sweetest gumdrops to the prosecution's nose.
Terezi:But your deceit STINKS.
Did you honestly think you could dip your corpulent snout into the imperial beetle coffers like that and get away with it?? Did you think your revolting abuse of the public trust would go unnoticed??? THINK AGAIN, GOOD SENATOR. WHILE THE PROSECUTION MAY BE BLIND, REST ASSURED THE LEAGUE OF LEGISLACERATORS SEES ALL.
Narrator:Why don't you call a witness?
Oh, he's dead.
Terezi:Oh, well played, Lemonsnout. Well played. The prosecution's key witness, murdered. How convenient! The courtblock has little choice but to acknowledge your cunning. You have earned just a teensy sliver of your respect back. For now.
What have we here???
Narrator:Some beetles, what's wrong with that?
Terezi:The prosecution begs your pardon, dear senator, but you appear to have dropped something. A personal satchel, perhaps? CHOCK FULL OF ILLICIT, EMBEZZLED BEETLES, WITH WHICH YOU HAVE THE UNMITIGATED CHEEK TO WALTZ BEFORE HIS TYRANNY, CONCEALED BENEATH YOUR ILL-GOTTEN FINERY??????
Narrator:A lot apparently.
Terezi:The prosecution requests a short recess from His Honorable Tyranny so that all law abiding and Mother Grub fearing citizens may go outside and puke.
Terezi:*inner monlouge*As the prosecutor, it is your job to reach a final verdict and sentence the reprehensible felon, while His Tyranny watches in silence and submits grim approval.
But you take pity on this miserable bureaucrat. You are feeling merciful. You will give him a fighting chance.
Terezi:I am going to flip a DOUBLE-HEADED TROLL CAEGAR to decide your fate. I do this quite often when making important decisions.
Narrator:Oh, kind of like Batman's nemesis, Two-Face. Or that guy from No Country for Old Men. It turns out there are lots of badasses out there flipping coins. But those are Earth things and you've never heard of them. It's safe to say you borrowed this gimmick from one of the many, many troll things out there that's got hard boiled dudes flipping coins for major stakes. I am guessing you are basing the habit on whichever one smells the most badass.
sfx: coin flip
Terezi:The coin tumbles through the air. Lemonsnout is sweating bullets!!!
[I]sfx: coin drop
Narrator:Ah, a favorable flip. I assume the senator exhales in relief.
Terezi:But, what are you so happy about, Mr. Lemonsnout?
Terezi:*inner monlouge*He looks a bit confused. He quivers his lowly proboscis at the coin.
Narrator:See? The coin has exonerated him.
Terezi:Coin? What coin?
Surely you jest, Mr. Senator. The prosecution sees no coin.
Okay, so I lied about not writing. I did Vriska's intro.
NARRATOR: Okay, I guess we'll just move on to this huge bitch then.
VRISKA: Bluh bluh, can it.
NARRATOR: Your name is Vriska Serket. You are a master of Extreme Role Playing. You can't get enough of it, or really any game of high stakes and chance. You have persisted with the habit even in spite of your accident.
VRISKA: Like I have much choice.
NARRATOR: Your lusus is very hungry, all the time. She can only be appeased by the flesh of young trolls. You cloud campaigns for teams of Flarpers, utilizing your abilities for orchestrating the demise of the impressionable. Your victories supply you with treasure, experience points, and spider food.
You are something of an apocalyspe buff, which is something you can be on Alternia. You are fascinated by end of the world scenarios, and enjoy constructing doomsday devices for the hell of it. You are drawn to means of dark prognostication and the advantages they offer, particularly in gaming scenarios. Your abilities in this department were hobbled with the loss of your vision eightfold, and you have since sought alternatives through various black oracles. You consult with these ominous globes, but routinely destroy them in frustration over the puzzling guarenteed inaccuracy of their predictions. Breaking them has developed into a habit bordering on fetishistic, and with each you destroy, you add to an insurmountable stockpile of terrible luck. You have to stop. But addiction is a powerful thing.
Your trolltag is arachnidsGrip and your statements tend to be just a little bit overdramaaaaaaaatic.
I guess we'll just check out this drawing on the wall.
VRISKA: Correction, it's a COOL drawing on the wall.
NARRATOR: You drew your own role playing character for fun, as many Flarpers are prone to do.
VRISKA: She is the best character, and I wish I was her. Oh wait, I am her! My wish has been granted. Probably as a special boon for being so great at everything.
NARRATOR: Her name is Marquise Spinneret Mindfang, scourge of land dwellers and sea dwellers alike, and worst nightmare to silly BOY-SKYLARKS everywhere. She has accumulated more treasure and gained more levels than any member of the PETTICOAT SEAGRIFT class ever.
VRISKA: Yeah, I've gained all the levels. All of them.
NARRATOR: As you make your way to the computer-
VRISKA: Hey, Mr. Voiceguy? Would you mind... getting the hell out of my head? Go narrate a nature documentary or something. I have a lot to do. So many irons in the fire-
SFX: the dice crunches as vriska steps on it
VRISKA: -OW! (keep howling in pain while the Narrator keeps talking)
SFX Voice: D4'd!
NARRATOR: Lousy dice. You just can't ever seem to go anywhere in your hive without stepping on an errant D4.
VRISKA: (under her voice) Pointy little bastards...
SFX: dice kicked away
NARRATOR: It's just your bad luck, you guess. You've had such terrible luck ever since your accident. And it just keeps getting worse. As far as you're concerned, the world can't end soon enough.
VRISKA: -As I was saaaaaaaaying! So many irons in the fire. Such a tangled web. It is a web full of flaming irons and mixed metaphors.
Tonight's a big night and I have a lot of meddling to catch up on. Bugging and fussing and meddling.
NARRATOR: You equip your enchanted dice set, the fabled Flourite Octet.
It consists of eight D8, plundered from a ghost ship during a particularly challenging campaign. In ancient times such weapons were employed by roving bands of Gamblingnats, deadly marauders with a passion for chance. They all died off though. Took too many crazy risks.
Rolling the dice will execute a wide range of highly unpredictable attacks. Very high rolls can be devastating to even the most powerful opponents.
Of course with the luck you've had lately, you couldn't make a good roll to save your life. Got to do something about this awful luck.
VRISKA: Gotta catch a br8k!
When you get worked up about stuff you put 8's in places that don't really make a lot of sense phonetically.
VRISKA: T8k a hike! Time to get this show on the road. There are SO MANY people to meddle with tonight.
SFX: Trollian Message
VRISKA: After I ditch this unwelcome solicitor first, that is. Doesn't she realize how rude it is to meddle??
I'll fuss with her meddling later.
SFX: Trollian Message
VRISKA: What now? Oh, him.
NARRATOR: You thought he'd washed his hands of you. Strange timing that he's bugging you tonight after so long without a peep from him.
Sorry to say it, VeggieBLT, but your "Karkat" sounds like "Kakrat".
Well, I had a blast back over on the voice acting thread so count me in on this.
Probably as either Karkat, or Sollux.
I'd record something now (which I've wanted to do all day) but the crickets outside will not give it a rest. I prefer keeping the windows shut and using the AC but I can't argue with the fact that it's cooler outside today than the AC would have been... even if it ruins any attempts to record anything.
OMG you guys this is so amazing. TheAngryBeard, could you post the text for that narration? It was so fucking epic. Solaris, your interrogation is 100% cracking me up.
What we should probably do is make a Google Doc, so we can all edit it. But I am completely incompetent with Google Docs so errrr
NARRATOR: What's the name of this dude sitting in his FOUR WHEEL DEVICE?
NARRATOR: Your name is TAVROS NITRAM.
You are known to be heavily arrested by FAIRY TALES AND FANTASY STORIES. You have an acute ability to COMMUNE WITH THE MANY CREATURES OF ALTERNIA, a skill you have utilized to CAPTURE AND TRAIN a great many. They are all your friends, as well as your warriors, which you pit in battle through a variety of related CARD AND ROLE PLAYING GAMES. You used to engage in various forms of MORE EXTREME ROLEPLAYING with some of your other friends before you had an accident.
You like to engage in the noble practice of ALTERNIAN SLAM POETRY, possibly the oldest, most revered, and certainly freshest artform in your planet's rich history. You have a profound fascination with the concept of FLIGHT, and all lore surrounding the topic. You believe in FAIRIES, even though they AREN'T REAL.
TAVROS: Ummm ... excuse me, but I think it's sort of, um, not okay, to come into my house, and tell me that fairies aren't real, because they are,
NARRATOR:Your trolltag is adiosToreador and you uHH, sPEAK IN A SORT OF, uHH, fALTERING MANNER,
TAVROS: That's, that's not very nice,
NARRATOR: Go play cards, kid.
TAVROS: I was actually, uh, just in the middle, of this game, of Fiduspawn?
NARRATOR: With the only friend you've got to play with in person, your loyal lusus TINKERBULL.
TAVROS: I, uh, don't think--
NARRATOR: You take a look at the favorable hand you dealt yourself and crack a mischievous smile. With a HOST PLUSH at the ready, you quickly lob an OOGONIBOMB and catch your adversary off guard!!!
SFX: squelches! horrific sounds of death! alien noises!
SFX: Triumphant Pokémon music
TAVROS: Horsaroni! I choose you!!!
NARRATOR: With a brooding whinny, Horsaroni shuffles his mighty hooves and makes short work of the fidusucker, boosting his vitals!
Horsaroni is now primed and raring for battle. Look out Tinkerbull!!!
TAVROS: Horsaroni! Use Slumberbuddies!!!!
SFX: Pokémon music builds dramatically.
NARRATOR: You use your awesome bestial communion abilities and bend the ferocious stallion to your whim. Tinkerbull can't stand the suspense!
SFX: ... and peters out.
SFX: Gentle snoring.
NARRATOR: Nap time.
TAVROS: This way, ummm, everybody wins, and, um, Horsaroni gains a bunch of levels, and I can even breed him, right Tinkerbull, oh, he's asleep,
SFX: Slightly less gentle snoring.
TAVROS: Good game everybody, that was a lot of fun, time to do some other stuff, I, uh, I guess,
Okay, so our narrator is a douche, clueless about law, interrupts rather rudely, and somehow can break into everyone's house.
And I have collected a set of Pages to record sfx on, and I ca provide the POKEMON MUSIC!
Also, thanks, nextian, I think I am going to attempt to write out the entirety of Terezi's sequence.
Also, I guess I'll do this Google Docs thing.
And it is live.
RULES OF THE GAME 1) Courier New, Everything Courier New
2) Before making edits, CONSULT WITH THE THREAD
3) I have a private version that is basically everything copied to this thread, if the public one is vandalized, PM me. 4) In case (god forbid) something should happen to me, someone else should be keeping back-ups. 5) Small additions, (spelling errors, adding some SFX) do not need to be a federal issue, just edit those. 6) Try to keep this in order of the story, not of writing. 7) Someone do me a favor and PM me to ask me if I backed up the the post for the week.
8) This should be crossposted to the first post
9) Do not post directly to the google doc, post here first, and then there. 10) I AM THE SFX FOR WORDS GUY 10) HAVE LOTS OF FUN
NARRATOR: Since that moody kid is busy flipping his bifurcated lid, we might as well take a moment to get to know this silly cat girl.
Gosh who is she??
NEPETA: I pirk my ears up and look around in confurrsion.
NEPETA: I look around my cave, but cannot see where the source of the noise.
Your name is NEPETA LEIJON.
NEPETA: Ahhh! Who is there? I mean, I jump up in surprise and scream "Ahhh! Who is there?"
NARRATOR: You live in a CAVE that is also a HIVE, but still mostly just a CAVE. You like to engage in FRIENDLY ROLE PLAYING, but not the DANGEROUS KIND.
NEPETA: I say, "Never the DANGEROUS KIND. It's TOO DANGEROUS! Too many of my good furriends have gotten hurt that way."
Your daily routine is dangerous enough as it is. You prowl the wilderness for GREAT BEASTS, and stalk them and take them down with nothing but your SHARP CLAWS AND TEETH! You take them back to your cave and EAT THEM, and from time to time, WEAR THEIR PELTS FOR FUN. You like to paint WALL COMICS using blood and soot and ash, depicting EXCITING TALES FROM THE HUNT! And other goofy stories about you and your numerous pals. Your best pal of all is A LITTLE BOSSY, and people wonder why you even bother with him.
NEPETA: I explain, "But someone has to keep him pacified. If not me, then who? Everyone has an important job to do!"
I continue, "My trolltag is arsenicCatnip and my speech precedes itself with the face of my lusus who is pawssibly the cutest and purrhaps the bestest kitty I have ever s33n!"
NARRATOR: Who is the Narrator here?
NEPETA: I ask the silly voice, "You want to play a game with me? I like playing roleplaying games!"
NARRATOR: Err, yes. Fine.
Anyways, what will you do?
NEPETA: I will retrieve my claws from my arms.
SFX: Claws unsheathed
NARRATOR: You are always wearing your CLAW GLOVES. You never know when you might encounter some unsuspecting prey. Or when some prey might encounter an unsuspecting you!
On Alternia, everything is considered unsuspecting prey by everything else.
Nepeta: I scratch my lusus behind its ears.
SFX: Scratching and purring noises
NARRATOR: She sure enjoys a good scratch!
NEPETA: I say, POUNCE DE LEON is the best kitty cat. Me and her go on adventures together in search of the FOUNTAIN OF CUTE. I ride my sure-pawed mount into the rugged frontier. And sometimes she rides me when she gets tired, which is frequently.
NARRATOR: It sure will be sad when she dies. But who knows when or how that will happen. We might not even really have the time to find out!
Later there was a cave-in.
SFX: Crappy hurried cave in noises
NEPETA: I don't like this game anymore.
NARRATOR: You saunter over to your DRAWING TABLET COMPUTER. You use this to draw... on a computer!!! It would be cool if this could somehow be adapted to serve as a fetch modus as well. That would be so much more fun than the frustrating one you're using now.
NEPETA: I wonder what this grumpy fellow wants? Probably something to do with that game. That seems to be all ANYBODY'S talking about lately!
OKAY SO, due to the probability that we'll have to edit this to be more chronological in some fashion because radio plays don't have any visual cues to help you follow a skipping timeline, here's Equius' intro-fakeout and intro.
NARRATOR: It is time now to turn to another one of your many compatriots. You, sir, are the other assh... oh.
Listen. You don't need to hear what I'm seeing here. We could probably stand to delay this guy's introduction a little longer. Why don't we see what someone else is up to.
Seriously. Anyone. How about you are now this chick. See? She's got a trident. She's using it to cull cuttlefish. It's really wacky.
That's it. I'm leaving.
Sfx: chair pushes back from the microphone
NARRATOR:distant What do you mean I'm under contract?
NARRATOR:coming back to the mic Fine. I'll introduce Mr. Horse Dicks.
EQUIUS:ominously That is not my name.
NARRATOR: WELL IT IS GODDAMN CLOSE ENOUGH.
NARRATOR:who is now dead inside Your name is EQUIUS ZAHHAK.
EQUIUS: I love being STRONG.
NARRATOR: You are so strong, you've defeated the world heavyweight champ and collected his massive quantities of horse porn--
EQUIUS: You are a common disgrace to the art of narration.
NARRATOR: What do you want me to tell them?
EQUIUS: Ahem. I am strong because I will one day be a RUFFIANNIHILATOR, or even -- if the heavens rain blood upon me -- an ARCHERADICATORS, the most noble echelon the imperial forces have to offer.
NARRATOR: Unfortunately, you SUCK AT ARCHERY. You have not successfully fired a SINGLE ARROW.
EQUIUS: Every time I try, I BREAK THE BOW. I am simply too strong!
NARRATOR: You have broken so many bows, it has developed into a habit BORDERING ON FETISHISTIC. You have to stop. But addiction is a powerful thing.
EQUIUS: I am strongly regretting this.
NARRATOR: You have a great appreciation for THE FINE ARTS. You use your aristocratic connections to acquire horse dicks--
EQUIUS: PRICELESS MASTERPIECES.
NARRATOR: Painted in the oldest and most respected Alternian tradition of NUDE MUSCLEBEAST PORTRAITS. These striking depictions of the EXQUISITE FAUNA native to Alternia remind you of the PUREST PHYSICAL IDEAL that must be sought by anyone who professes a LOVE OF STRENGTH.
EQUIUS: When those of lesser bloodlines turn up their uncultured noses at such stunning material, it MAKES ME FURIOUS.
NARRATOR: Practically everything MAKES YOU FURIOUS. You have so much rage, it can only be expressed through STAGGERING QUANTITIES OF PHYSICAL VIOLENCE. You build strong and sturdy robots, set them to kill mode, and BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM in caged brawls. Sometimes you LOSE TEETH.
EQUIUS: They usually grow back.
NARRATOR: Your trolltag is centaursTesticle and with your bow and arrow ever at the ready, you D --> Take e%ception to 100d language unbefitting of b100 b100ds.
Ok, are we just doing Hivebent, or are we going to do the rest of Homestuck as well? I mean, Teleharmonic does a great dave; Fon Fawn is pretty much now the voice for Rose for the rest of eternity; and Awkward Turtle did a pretty good Jade (Hell, I think we had someone else try for it too, don't remember who it was). All we need is Dave, and I think I know a guy who could easily do the voice.
I've already started working on a script for the begining of Homestuck, as well as the intros for the rest of the gang; I'll post them when/if I finish