Pulp Archaeologist Adventure!

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Chosen One: Bear Hug Peter the Great!





PETER THE GREAT becomes INTANGIBLE and SLIDES OUT OF YOUR GRASP.

Really, you SHOULD'VE SEEN THAT ONE COMING.

> Gibalou: Cause a HURRICANE BLIZZARD



It's time for another SPIN ATTACK. You WHIRL AROUND AS FAST AS YOU CAN, sending A SHOWER OF SPARKS DOWN ON YOUR ENEMY.

> Piloswine: Now use CRUNCH



PILOSWINE used CRUNCH!

It's SUPER EFFECTIVE!

> Manfred: Lv 1 Scarf tech: run him over with the sCARf (this one has probably been done already...)





You USE YOUR SCARF TO FORM A FULLY-FUNCTIONAL SCARFMOBILE AROUND YOU. PETER THE GREAT is GOING DOWN!



...

You hate this guy.

> Franz: Lv 57 Beard Tech: beA.R.d which puts the battle into an Alternate Reality simulation, in which Peter's Empire is strong and more powerful than ever.... in SPACE





Using the ENERGIES from your BEARD, you TRANSPORT YOURSELF into a SIMULATED ALTERNATE HISTORY in which the RUSSIAN REVOLUTION never OCCURRED, leading IMPERIAL RUSSIA to PROGRESS ON INTO THE FAR FUTURE. In this world, multiple PLANETS are UNDER CONTROL OF THE TSARDOM.



And right off, you can see THINGS HAVE CHANGED. It seems that these new SPACE RUSSIANS have sent GUARDS in to DEAL WITH YOU, wanting to PROTECT the IMMORTAL SPIRIT OF THEIR ESTEEMED LEADER.



Okay, that was a STUPID IDEA.

[Crowstone]

>Chosen One: Use THE POWER OF DESTINY to abuse the law of conservation of ninjitsu, to reduce the power level of the SPACE NAVAL INFANTRY
>Gibalou: SWORD OF REVEALING LIGHT! Go counter those space naval infantry technology by being a lightsaber from star wars! that's what that's a reference to, right?
>Manfred: Manfred Tech Level 40: manfRED! Take control of Peter's RED eyes and make him hallucinate NORMAL NOT-SPACE RUSSIAN EMPIRE
>Franz: Beard Tech Combo w/ Artificial Reality: BEEard! Summon a swarm of SPACE BEES

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Chosen One: Use THE POWER OF DESTINY to abuse the law of conservation of ninjitsu, to reduce the power level of the SPACE NAVAL INFANTRY



Wait a minute here! There are MULTIPLE SPACE NAVAL INFANTRYMEN here, which means that, according to GENRE CONVENTIONS, you HAVE THE ADVANTAGE! And furthermore, as THE CHOSEN ONE DESTINED TO SAVE RUSSIA, you, as the HERO, can ABUSE THESE CONVENTIONS FURTHER to WEAKEN THE ENEMY!

> Gibalou: SWORD OF REVEALING LIGHT! Go counter those space naval infantry technology by being a lightsaber from star wars! that's what that's a reference to, right?



FOLLOWING UP ON THAT, you TRANSFORM INTO A LIGHTSABER and CUT THROUGH THE ENEMIES with the POWER OF SUPERIOR TECHNOLOGY. Your TARGET is KILLED INSTANTLY due to his PRIOR WEAKENING.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

This panel looks rather unnecessarily grotesque, but trust me when I say that the Space Naval Infantryman is supposed to be fading into data at the ends of his body. It merely looks gory the way it came out.

> Manfred: Manfred Tech Level 40: manfRED! Take control of Peter's RED eyes and make him hallucinate NORMAL NOT-SPACE RUSSIAN EMPIRE





CALLING UPON the POWER OF YOUR NAME, you INVOKE POWER OVER RED OBJECTS and POSSESS PETER THE GREAT'S GHOSTLY EYES, making him HALLUCINATE that the RUSSIAN EMPIRE IS STILL IN POWER. He is DISTRACTED by the GRANDEUR of the EMPIRE HE FOUNDED and LOSES A TURN.

And yes, the IRONY of a RUSSIAN IMPERIALIST SEEING IN RED is not lost on us.

> Franz: Beard Tech Combo w/ Artificial Reality: BEEard! Summon a swarm of SPACE BEES





You TAKE ADVANTAGE of this MOMENT to SUMMON A SWARM OF SPACE BEES out of your BEARD. They FLY OVER AND STING YOUR FOES.

[Crowstone]

>ALL OF YOU: COMBO TECH: Lv 404

pilosWINe
MANfred
giBALLou
fRANz
cHOSEn one

the MAN RAN used the HOSE to WIN the BALL game!
>Challenge Peter and his Space Marines to a ARTIFICIAL REALITY SPACE RUSSIAN BASKETBALL GAME, where everyone also gets to use hoses and water balloons and super soakers!

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> ALL OF YOU: COMBO TECH: Lv 404
> pilosWINe



> MANfred



> giBALLou



> fRANz



> cHOSEn one



> the MAN RAN used the HOSE to WIN the BALL game!
> Challenge Peter and his Space Marines to a ARTIFICIAL REALITY SPACE RUSSIAN BASKETBALL GAME, where everyone also gets to use hoses and water balloons and super soakers!



Through your COMBINED POWER, you THREATEN TO ALTER THIS VIRTUAL REALITY SIMULATION through SHEER WILL. Should PETER THE GREAT accept your CHALLENGE, he will have to FACE YOU in a GAME OF BASKETBALL with HOSES, WATER BALLOONS, AND WATER GUNS available to the PLAYERS. Winner takes the CROWN.



PETER THE GREAT accepts the CHALLENGE.





The GAME is on.

[Crowstone]

>Piloswine: PilosWINE tech Lv 40: Summon a special wine-shooting water gun
>Peter the great: use a special vodka-shooting water gun
>Alcoholic streams: COLLIDE! BEAM-OF WAR

[Leylite]

Chosen One: Use a WATER BALLOON ROCKET PUNCH to create a large area-of-effect water explosion.

Gibalou: Unpossess the sword, since swords are forbidden in this game. Instead perform reconnaissance work, since you can't be hit by water.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Gibalou: Unpossess the sword, since swords are forbidden in this game. Instead perform reconnaissance work, since you can't be hit by water.



Obviously, you will have no need to BE INHABITING THE SWORD in this BATTLE. No one BRINGS A SWORD TO A WATER FIGHT, and besides, you are INCORPOREAL and UNAFFECTED BY MERE WATER. This, combined with your LEVITATION, will ALLOW YOU TO SURVEY THE AREA AND SCOUT OUT POTENTIAL AREAS OF INTEREST.

> Piloswine: PilosWINE tech Lv 40: Summon a special wine-shooting water gun





Right off the bat, you're BRINGING OUT THE BIG GUNS. You SUMMON a GIANT ROBOTIC WINE GUN to serve you.

> Peter the great: use a special vodka-shooting water gun



PETER THE GREAT responds by INVOKING HIS RUSSIAN HERITAGE to create a VODKA GUN.

> Alcoholic streams: COLLIDE! BEAM-OF WAR



> Chosen One: Use a WATER BALLOON ROCKET PUNCH to create a large area-of-effect water explosion.







Meanwhile, you STAY BEHIND and FIRE OFF YOUR OWN ATTACKS to DEAL WITH THE SPACE NAVAL INFANTRY.

[Crowstone]

>Space Naval Infantry: You are Naval infantry, you are one with the ocean! SUMMON OCEANIC BLASTS FROM YOUR EYES because all sailors can do that, right?
>Gibalou: Do the ancient traditional dance of your people- RAIN DANCE
>Piloswine: You also know Rain Dance, so help him out with that. while simultaneously having that colliding beam battle.
>Manfred and Franz: Teamwork Tech: While everyone is distracted by all the water, score some baskets with TEAMWORK!

[Xindaris]

Is..is this basketball or dodgeball? What sport is this? More importantly, did they actually agree on how a team scores before starting the game?

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

>Space Naval Infantry: You are Naval infantry, you are one with the ocean! SUMMON OCEANIC BLASTS FROM YOUR EYES because all sailors can do that, right?



TECHNICALLY, you are SPACE NAVAL INFANTRY, not just NAVAL INFANTRY. But you can still CALL UPON YOUR NAVY POWERS and FIRE A BLAST OF WATER FROM YOUR EYES.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

For the record, the Russian military uses the term "naval infantry" instead of "marines", so instead of "space marines" we have "space naval infantry".

>Gibalou: Do the ancient traditional dance of your people- RAIN DANCE



As the HIGH PRIEST, you can CALL UPON THE RAIN GOD TLALCHAN and PRAY FOR HIM TO BRING RAIN through a RITUAL DANCE.

>Piloswine: You also know Rain Dance, so help him out with that. while simultaneously having that colliding beam battle.



Hearing a RAIN DANCE in progress, you JOIN IN to DOUBLE THE POWER OF THE DANCE and SUMMON MORE RAIN to DISTRACT YOUR ENEMIES.



>Manfred and Franz: Teamwork Tech: While everyone is distracted by all the water, score some baskets with TEAMWORK!







FOUR POINTS!

> Is..is this basketball or dodgeball? What sport is this? More importantly, did they actually agree on how a team scores before starting the game?

The RULES of the GAME are BASICALLY THAT OF BASKETBALL, but with the ADDITION of ASSORTED WATER FIGHT WEAPONS ABOUT THE STADIUM that the PLAYERS can USE to SLOW DOWN THEIR OPPONENTS and MAKE BASKETS without INTERRUPTION. They may also use their INNATE ABILITIES, whatever these may be. The first TEAM to get TWENTY POINTS WINS!

[Crowstone]

>Rain: Flood arena completely!
>Sea Monster: rise!

>Do the thing that kids do sometimes, stand directly under the basket and throw it up so that it falls right back down in. totally counts!

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Do the thing that kids do sometimes, stand directly under the basket and throw it up so that it falls right back down in. totally counts!



Ah, but you DIDN'T STATE who you were ISSUING the COMMAND to! The AUTHOR DECIDES TO BE A DICK and gives it to PETER THE GREAT. TWO POINTS for TEAM RUSSIA!

> Rain: Flood arena completely!

Later...



This is bad. You've been GOING ON WITH THE GAME for god knows how long now, and the RAIN has FILLED UP THE ENTIRE STADIUM! Now how will you PLAY? Oh well, at least it CAN'T GET ANY WORSE...

> Sea Monster: rise!



You STAND CORRECTED.

[Xindaris]

>Everyone: Team up temporarily to fight the sea monster in combat, thus making this a x4 nested combat combo!

(1=original battle with Peter; 2=virtual battle with space navy guys; 3=the basketball game; 4=sea monster fight)

[Crowstone]

>Attempt by everyone to team up against the sea monster: Fail, due to everyone being ingested.

So, you mean like a fight in a seamonster in a virtual basketball game in virtual space russia in peter the greats tomb basement?

>Sea Monster: Play the basketball game against your evil twin seamonster bro. Get hindered slightly as your inhabitants try to give you indigestion

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Everyone: Team up temporarily to fight the sea monster in combat, thus making this a x4 nested combat combo!



This is it. The BATTLE TO END ALL BATTLES. A GIANT SEA MONSTER has EMERGED FROM THE DEPTHS, and it is CLEAR that it is FAR TOO POWERFUL TO TAKE ON ALONE. You must COMBINE FORCES and LAUNCH AN ATTACK AGAINST THIS AQUATIC THREAT!

You now realise that you are currently fighting a BATTLE INSIDE A VIRTUAL BASKERBALL GAME INSIDE A VIRTUAL BATTLE INSIDE A BATTLE. BATTLECEPTION has been ACHIEVED. Should you PREVAIL HERE, the EXPERIENCE BONUSES will be UNGODLY.

> Attempt by everyone to team up against the sea monster: Fail, due to everyone being ingested.







> Sea Monster: Play the basketball game against your evil twin seamonster bro. Get hindered slightly as your inhabitants try to give you indigestion



With THAT OUT OF THE WAY, your TWIN BROTHER surfaces and CHALLENGES YOU to a ROUND of SEA MONSTER B-BALL.

[Crowstone]

>Chosen ONE and Space Marine ONE: Combine into ULTRA MARINE ONE
>Space Marine 2: now that there is no space marine one, now be called space marine one and combine with ultra marine one into MEGA SUPER DUPER SPACE MARINE ONE

>Piloswine: use helping hand

>Franz and Manfred: BEARDSCARF TECH LV 840: GROW BEARDS SO LONG THAT THEY WORK EFFICIENTLY AS SCARVES
...
EXCEPT WHEN USED ON AN ENEMY LIKE THE GIANT SEA MONSTER ON THE INSIDE OF THEIR BODY THEY WILL HAVE A HUGE SCARFBEARD GROWING BACKWARDS INSIDE OF THE MONSTER CAUSING IT TO COUGH AND STUFF

>Peter and Gibalou powers: Use ghost powers to make everyone intangible to protect everyone from the dangerous effects of being in the choking monster!

>MEGA SUPER SUPER SPACE MARINE ONE: Take on the other monster!

[eerr]

Quick, Pose as a team, shit just got real!

Yes, even the seamonster.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Chosen ONE and Space Marine ONE: Combine into ULTRA MARINE ONE



BOTH: ONE-DER TWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE!



> Space Marine 2: now that there is no space marine one, now be called space marine one and combine with ultra marine one into MEGA SUPER DUPER SPACE MARINE ONE



Hmm...since SPACE NAVAL INFANTRYMAN 1 is GONE, you must be THE NEW SPACE NAVAL INFANTRYMAN 1, since you're THE ONLY ONE LEFT! And that means you get to JOIN THE COMBINATION!





It's GETTING CRAMPED in here. You need to GET OUT if you're going to KICK SOME SEA MONSTER ASS!

> Franz and Manfred: BEARDSCARF TECH LV 840: GROW BEARDS SO LONG THAT THEY WORK EFFICIENTLY AS SCARVES
...
> EXCEPT WHEN USED ON AN ENEMY LIKE THE GIANT SEA MONSTER ON THE INSIDE OF THEIR BODY THEY WILL HAVE A HUGE SCARFBEARD GROWING BACKWARDS INSIDE OF THE MONSTER CAUSING IT TO COUGH AND STUFF







> Peter and Gibalou powers: Use ghost powers to make everyone intangible to protect everyone from the dangerous effects of being in the choking monster!



The GHOSTS GRANT THEIR INTANGIBILITY POWERS to the PARTY, allowing them to WITHSTAND the MONSTER'S CHOKING CONVULSIONS.

> Piloswine: use helping hand



Finally, PILOSWINE CONTRIBUTES HIS ATTACK POWER to the NEXT STRIKE.

The ULTIMATE COMBO is about to GO DOWN.

> MEGA SUPER SUPER SPACE MARINE ONE: Take on the other monster!





> Quick, Pose as a team, shit just got real! Yes, even the seamonster.

[Crowstone]

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
>Sea Monster that just got hurt: Retaliate! You know your brother's weakspot! Hit it for a moderate amount of damage.
>Sea Monster: that weakspoint is the special vomiting pressure point! *vomit out heroes *

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Sea Monster that just got hurt: Retaliate! You know your brother's weakspot! Hit it for a moderate amount of damage.



> Sea Monster: that weakspoint is the special vomiting pressure point! *vomit out heroes *

[Crowstone]

>Sea Monster: noo your sustenance! Devour the basketball to satiate your thirst
>Become instantly disqualified!
>Everyone else: stop fighting and create a sitcom show, becoming best of buddies forever forever!

[eerr]

Comon' n slam, if ya wanna jam.

DUNK THAT B BALL SO HARD FRANZ.

Like litterally, this is what you have to do.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Comon' n slam, if ya wanna jam.
> DUNK THAT B BALL SO HARD FRANZ.
> Like litterally, this is what you have to do.

















> Sea Monster: noo your sustenance! Devour the basketball to satiate your thirst





> Become instantly disqualified!





The SEA MONSTER has been DISQUALIFIED FROM THE GAME for ILLEGAL INGESTION OF GAME EQUIPMENT!

[Crowstone]

>Other team: win by default
>Dream/Game/Battle(s): Collapse