Pulp Archaeologist Adventure!

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Other team: win by default
> Dream/Game/Battle(s): Collapse









The GAME is OVER. You RETURN TO THE REAL WORLD.

But now you must DEFEAT PETER THE GREAT ONCE AND FOR ALL!







Or not. Looks like the BEARD DAMAGE finally DID HIM IN.



MANFRED: At last, Peter the Great's crown is ours! It seems like it's taken forever to get this far...but that's another artifact in the right hands!
FRANZ: Well, what now?
MANFRED: We must take the crown and start moving. Surely the Nazis will get here before we know it!

[Xindaris]

>Nazis: Imitate Lord English by somehow already being there.

>Archaeologist team: Run away! Run away!

[Crowstone]

>I think Chosen One should wear that crown! Now everyone can leave, yes? Make sure you run a victory lap around the underground complex, Manfred, with Piloswine and all your fangirls, first!

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Nazis: Imitate Lord English by somehow already being there.



NAZI: Halt! Wo ist die Krone?

> Archaeologist team: Run away! Run away!

[Crowstone]

>Ancient Russian Boulder Trap: Spring
>Everyone: Escape just in time, discover that it is mysteriously spring season :O

[Xindaris]

>Ancient Russian Boulder Trap: Spring
>Everyone: Escape just in time, discover that it is mysteriously spring season :O

Hm...

If it's spring and there are nazis involved...

That calls to mind a particular musical number, doesn't it?

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

GIBALOU: Quick, in here!





> Ancient Russian Boulder Trap: Spring





> Everyone: Escape just in time, discover that it is mysteriously spring season :O
> I think Chosen One should wear that crown!



FRANZ: You still have the crown?
MANFRED: ...Yes...
FRANZ: Good. You know, maybe the Chosen One should have that. He is the heir to the throne, after all.
MANFRED: Wait, how did he even fit through the door?
FRANZ: I don't know. Shenanigans.
MANFRED: Whatever. Up here!



FRANZ: That's odd. It's spring all of a sudden...how long were we down there?
MANFRED: Well, that battle did take an awfully long time...
GIBALOU: That not the problem...



> Hm...If it's spring and there are nazis involved...That calls to mind a particular musical number, doesn't it?

INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

show spoiler

hide spoiler

You're able to set aside your differences for an IMPROMPTU MUSICAL NUMBER!

[Crowstone]

>Gibalou: possess tank, shoot the other tank!
>Manfred & Franz: Kung Fu action sequence!
>Chosen One: DANCE

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Chosen One: DANCE



In order to PULL OFF your MASTER PLAN, you'll need a GOOD DISTRACTION. Fortunately, seeing AN ANIMATED STATUE DANCING is enough to GRAB MOST PEOPLE'S ATTENTION.

> Gibalou: possess tank, shoot the other tank!











With THAT OUT OF THE WAY, GIBALOU MOVES IN to TAKE CARE OF THE TANKS.

> Manfred & Franz: Kung Fu action sequence!



FRANZ: Are you ready for this?
MANFRED: You bet.















Hmm. That was CERTAINLY EXHILARATING, but you WONDER WHERE MANFRED WENT. You didn't SEE HIM during the BATTLE. Surely he's JUST AS WILLING to PUNCH OUT SOME NAZIS as YOU are...where could he be?



MANFRED: Ahem.
FRANZ: Manfred? What are you doing up there?
MANFRED: Ah, yes. "Manfred" is what you called me. But from now on, you can refer to me by my real name.



MANFRED: ...Wolfgang von Kataiser.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Yep. You just saw that.

I had planned for Manfred to be a Nazi spy from the beginning. If I had foreseen how we'd get so attached to him, I probably would have dropped more hints, but oh well. Don't worry, this isn't the last we'll see of him.

[Crowstone]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO (the spoiler won't open, something wrong with site?)
(but read spoiler anyway so)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMANFREDNOOOOOO

>Chosen One, Gibalou and Franz: Just shout NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO at Manfred
>Manfred: send out Piloswine and your fangirls, fly off into sunset

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Chosen One, Gibalou and Franz: Just shout NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO at Manfred



ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

> Manfred: send out Piloswine and your fangirls, fly off into sunset



WOLFGANG: In the words of the great German poet Johann von Goethe: Smell ya later, chumps.





Man, what a DICK. Just when you HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL, he just has to SWIPE THE MACGUFFIN and TAKE OFF. And you were USING HIM AS YOUR TREASURE PACKMULE, too!

And to MAKE MATTERS WORSE, you have NO IDEA how you're GOING TO GET TO THE NEXT MACGUFFIN NOW!

[Crowstone]

>Well, you should probably go to China now. It might not be in the right order, but there's definitely a macguffin there!


>Time to roll.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Well, you should probably go to China now. It might not be in the right order, but there's definitely a macguffin there!



Consulting your MACGUFFINDEX, you see that THERE IS NO MACGUFFIN YOU'RE LOOKING FOR in CHINA. There are, however, ones in INDIA and JAPAN.

Although you do GET A POINT for ALERTING ME TO THE FACT THAT I SHOULD'VE INCLUDED A MACGUFFIN IN CHINA.

[Xindaris]

>India's closer..right?

[Leylite]

Captain Lhurgoyf: Look up the game guide on GameFAQs to find out which way to go to get the next recruitable party member

Franz: Yeah, head to India - there's no point heading all the way east to Japan and then back west to India. You need to get out of Russia quickly and regroup anyway.

[Crowstone]

india: have lots of spindas
that's the natural habitat of pandas right

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> India's closer..right?
> Franz: Yeah, head to India - there's no point heading all the way east to Japan and then back west to India. You need to get out of Russia quickly and regroup anyway.

You decide on GOING TO INDIA. It's CLOSER THAN JAPAN, so there's NO USE IN HAVING TO BACKTRACK TO IT if you can KNOCK IT OUT RIGHT AWAY. Not to mention that GOING TO INDIA FROM JAPAN BY ROLLING would involve CROSSING THE HIMALAYAS, which IS NOT AN EASY TASK FOR ANYONE.

But ENOUGH TALK. It is time to begin THE GREAT CROSS-CONTINENTAL ROLL.











After MUCH ROLLING, you ARRIVE at the ENTRANCE TO DELHI. Your SEARCH for the EYE OF AGNI begins now.



Meanwhile, in SCENIC KATAISER MANOR IN THE HARZ MOUNTAINS...



WOLFGANG: The Crown of Peter the Great is ours, Vater. This shall bring us a step closer to victory!
KATAISER: Eexceelent vork, my sahn! I kneew you coold doo eet! Boot...vhy are you ein hund?
WOLFGANG: ...it's a long story...

> Captain Lhurgoyf: Look up the game guide on GameFAQs to find out which way to go to get the next recruitable party member

As the PRESIDENT, CEO, HEAD PROGRAMMER, ARTIST, WRITER, and SOLE EMPLOYEE of GOYFSOFT ENTERPRISES, you have no need to LOOK UP WALKTHROUGHS for YOUR OWN GAMES! You already know that the next PLANNED PARTY MEMBER is located in EGYPT! Of course, the SUGGESTERS could CHANGE THE COURSE OF THAT IDEA.

[eerr]

Pittstop at Antartica, to find the secret of atlantis!

For wolfenstein!

Will he survive? only time will tell!


(but really, with that fur coat.)

[Crowstone]

KATAISER: The real question is why aren't you ein hundERT?
*reveal a hundred Wolfgang clones *

>Franz: Hit the local bars to gain experience.
And also ask around.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Franz: Hit the local bars to gain experience.



Oh, don't be so silly! This is INDIA, the JEWEL IN THE CROWN OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE! They don't have your PIGDOG AMERICAN BARS here!

They have PUBS!



Nevertheless, you won't PASS UP the OPPORTUNITY to LEVEL GRIND.





Well, that PROVED PRODUCTIVE.

> And also ask around.



Okay, it's TIME TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS. Surely you can find SOMEONE IN HERE who knows about the LOCATION of the EYE OF AGNI.

> Pittstop at Antartica, to find the secret of atlantis! For wolfenstein! Will he survive? only time will tell!

What? You fool! We can't DO THAT YET!



To DISCOVER THE ROUTE TO ATLANTIS, you need the SEVEN MACGUFFINS! The ROUTE TO ATLANTIS will only APPEAR to A SEVENTH SON OF A SEVENTH SON WEARING THE CROWN OF PETER THE GREAT and the MAGATAMA NECKLACE who CONNECTS THE CRYSTAL SKULL OF PUCLANTECUHTLI to the STAFF OF THE DRUIDS using the TSURUGI SWORD after SLOTTING the EYE OF AGNI into the SKULL and, on a WALPURGISNACHT when THE STARS ARE ALIGNED, casts SPELLS from the EGYPTIAN BOOK OF THE DEAD while FOCUSING THE LIGHT OF THE FULL MOON onto the KAGAMI MIRROR through the STAFF, which then REFRACTS IT ONTO THE TWELVE TABLES OF ROME, thus CARVING A MAP TO THE GATES OF ATLANTIS. Once you have your hands on the ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY of this MYTHICAL CIVILISATION, the ENTIRE WORLD will FALL TO THE THIRD REICH! These ANCIENT ARTIFACTS have some VERY SPECIFIC CONDITIONS INVOLVED WITH THEM.

Besides, ATLANTIS is SOMEWHERE IN THE ATLANTIC OCEAN. That's why IT'S CALLED ATLANTIS, dipshit.

> KATAISER: The real question is why aren't you ein hundERT?
> *reveal a hundred Wolfgang clones *

INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

KATAISER: Foorthermoore...vhy aren't you ein hundERT?
WOLFGANG: Ahem.



END INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

[Leylite]

Franz: Take off your headdress and put your fedora back on, this is a classy establishment.

Franz: Go to the far table and go talk to the (white-haired?) man sitting alone.

Gibalou: Look and see if the pub is being overseen by the GHOST OF THE CURRENT BARTENDER'S GRANDFATHER or not.

[Crowstone]

Level up Cycling!
and uh, seconding Leylite's everything

[Xindaris]

Besides, ATLANTIS is SOMEWHERE IN THE ATLANTIC OCEAN. That's why IT'S CALLED ATLANTIS,

Technically you've got that backwards. The Atlantic Ocean is called what it is because of the story of Atlantis.

>Ask the bartender, they always pick up all the rumors because everyone trusts the guy giving out drinks.
>Failing that, ask the other guy in a hat because we're on a hat roll here.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Franz: Take off your headdress and put your fedora back on, this is a classy establishment.



As much as you'd like to DRESS FOR THE SITUATION, you left your FEDORA in your COMBINATION SUBSPACE! In order to RETRIEVE IT, you will need to COLLECT THE REMAINING INGREDIENTS for a THREE-PIECE SUIT!

> Level up Cycling!



You will, however, spend your POINT on CYCLING.

> Ask the bartender, they always pick up all the rumors because everyone trusts the guy giving out drinks.
> Failing that, ask the other guy in a hat because we're on a hat roll here.
> Franz: Go to the far table and go talk to the (white-haired?) man sitting alone.

Well, it looks like we'll be FOLLOWING THE TIME-HONOURED TRADITION of TALKING TO EVERYONE here. So it's about time you GO ABOUT DOING THAT. You'll start with the BARTENDER.



FRANZ: I'm looking for work. Got any leads?
BARTENDER: Work? Well, we could always use a new janitor...
FRANZ: ...that's not quite the kind of work I was talking about. And I'm not really in the mood to do bar chores, thank you very much. Do you know anything about the Eye of Agni?
BARTENDER: That old jewel? I believe that's in the Gavi Gangadhareshwara Temple.
FRANZ: Bless you.
BARTENDER: How dare you talk about blessing me! You're clearly not a brahmin, who do you think you are?
FRANZ: Sorry. I'll keep asking around.



FRANZ: Hi. Do you know anything about the...uh, the Gravy Gonad Hair Wash Temple?
MAN: That's disgusting. What gall you have! Take your perverted fetishes somewhere else, you bloody bum!
FRANZ: ...while I'm here, can I at least ask why your hair is white?
MAN: White? Why, it's obviously auburn! What are you talking about!
FRANZ: ...I'll go now.



FRANZ: Hello. I'll have you know, I appreciate the sight of a fellow hat enthusiast.
MAN: Why, thank you, my good chap!
FRANZ: I was asking around if anyone knows how to get to...to...to the temple where the Eye of Agni is.
MAN: Eye of Agni? I've never heard of such a thing. I am but a well-meaning banker in the service of the King! I care not when it comes to such frivolous mysticism. Perhaps you should inquire that with my plucky Indian lackey!
LACKEY: Hey, that's rude!
FRANZ: Sorry. So, you know about the temple?
LACKEY: If you're talking about the Gavi Gangadhareshwara...
FRANZ: Slow down, I'm getting lost. I have no idea the temple you just mentioned is the same one I heard about earlier or not or not.
LACKEY: Well, if it is that one, it's in Bangalore. You might be able to get a train ticket if you ask around.
FRANZ: Thank you.

> Gibalou: Look and see if the pub is being overseen by the GHOST OF THE CURRENT BARTENDER'S GRANDFATHER or not.



GIBALOU: Hello. Is grandfather ghost in pub?
BARTENDER: Ghost? What nonsense! My grandfather was reincarnated as a monkey in the jungles of Ceylon!

[I-gor]

>Franz: Ask around for where you might be able to purchase a three-piece suit_
>Only Remaining Three-Piece Suit In Town: Be owned by a tenacious hobo who will only give it up if you accept his challenge of a duel_